The Ball Bra

I was thinking last night that I should try my hand at inventing, because I love Pagan Kennedy’s new book so much. If there’s one invention that the world really needs, it’s the Ball Bra.

Co-op Fees

I can’t talk about this using my real persona because everyone will stop doing business with me. So — a business rant today!

Hitler, That Guy You Know

I have only one wish for the human race in 2016. And that wish is…


I didn’t have a post ready today because I’ve been doing all this for-money writing all week and I can’t concentrate on anything. Also, the only thing that I feel compelled to do is post tons of Youtube clips of Bowie singing and Rickman doing a terrible American accent that doesn’t even fool John McClane. […]

The King of Farts

I knew this kid in high school who was obsessed with poop. He’d measure every one of his shits – not just the quantity but the consistency. He’d fish out his turds and analyze them based on a series of parameters and record the progress (if that’s the right word) on a chart. He once […]

The Cake Collector

My weekend job… Jesus. For 21 years I worked as the house manager/event coordinator at an old mansion in the suburbs of DC. Weddings, memorials, bar mitzvahs, birthdays, everything. Every event was so similar in theme and approach, I just called it the “wedding job.” Even if it was a fucking christening, it felt like […]

That Gum You Like is going to Come Back in Style

Twin Peaks changed my life. It changed many lives. I’d argue that it’s changed all of our lives, even if you aren’t a fan, even if you haven’t seen it, even if you’re born today. Twin Peaks changed the way we tell a story on television. All of the shows today – from the mindless […]

Syria Me

In the wake of the dreadful terrorist attack on Paris (which, I promise, I won’t mock till early 2016), the US reaction has been typical. We blame the most disenfranchised colored people du jour – the Syrian refugees. Blacks and Hispanics can all breathe a sigh of relief as we turn our collective hateful prejudice […]

Vomit Vixen

I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.

The Gangbang Girl

In 1997, after graduating college, I got my first apartment in Bethesda, MD. It was in what my grandfather called “the old hotboxes” on Battery Lane, and it was pretty cool for a first apartment. Big, bright, and not a dorm room or my grandparent’s back bedroom. He called them hotboxes because they were squat, […]