Category: Rants


Good morning from your capitol city, America. I’m a big fan of how the DC bars get in the mood for St. Patrick’s Day. When else can I walk into any bar at 7:30am and get a beer? Well, there are a few, but it feels more disreputable when you’re not pretending to be Irish. […]

The Seven Social Sins

I read today that the Pope will announce seven new deadly sins when he visits DC next month. I learned all about the original sins in school but, really, the only thing I remember is from the movie. Which is why I propose the Vatican should fund my sequel to Seven. Don’t pull punches, either. […]

Atomic Women

Sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a woman around. But then I think of the times a woman has been around, and that makes me think of how much toilet paper, Q-tips, and other essentials they consume. So are women worth what they cost in toilet paper and Q-tips? (Two vital toiletries that […]

God is in Charge

I was in line at the Post Office the other day, sending off my goddamned taxes, when a lady stepped in front of me. She said that the clerk told her to get to the front of the line and, when I looked over at him, he nodded. Okay. Whatever. She turned to me, all […]

Sister Joanne

Here’s a nugget of advice to all you writers out there: Never let your wicked wage slave job know that you can write. Because, suddenly, you’ll be writing everything for your boss and then get yelled at for falling behind in your regular duties. People who can’t write (I won’t sat “don’t,” because everybody has […]


My friend reports that he valiantly fought back an electrical fire in his living room. Good thing he works at home, because it was some weird short behind the couch or something. If, like me, he was a slave at a fuck-you job for 10 hours a day, more with the commute, he’d probably be […]

Drug Update

When I threatened to cut back on caffeine a while ago, I didn’t really plan to carry through with it. But I find life extremely boring, so I figured I’d give it a go. Just for the sake of mixing shit up. I’m down to 200 milligrams a day, and I’m irritable and exhausted.

The Issues

Like any good American, I’m following the presidential primaries the same way a person pays attention to a bottle rolling down the aisle of the subway car. You know: Please don’t hit my feet and force me to take some sort of ownership. Because when you go to kick it away, everyone looks at you […]


I’ve only ever received one valentine card. It was from a girl named Claire in 1996. I think. The 90’s have (thankfully) kind of blurred together. I had harbored my typical brand of unspoken obsession for Claire and, I suppose, she must have felt a mutual sort of attraction. Enough to earn me my one […]