Vomit Vixen

I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.

The Gangbang Girl

In 1997, after graduating college, I got my first apartment in Bethesda, MD. It was in what my grandfather called “the old hotboxes” on Battery Lane, and it was pretty cool for a first apartment. Big, bright, and not a dorm room or my grandparent’s back bedroom. He called them hotboxes because they were squat, […]

Writing Break

I’ve finished a 380 page memoir about my family. I didn’t plan on that… The original plan was to write a 100 page “memoir” that, primarily, answered the one big question — what the fuck was up with your parents, Nacho? Initially, I did write this 100 page version. A sort of outline of what […]

Conspiracies I Don’t Understand

I love me a good conspiracy. Who shot JFK? We don’t know. There’s weird shit there that doesn’t make sense. Was the moon landing faked? I used to call shenanigans on that, but, my god, we can’t even get out of Earth’s orbit almost 50 years later, so, hmmm, you know? Are there secret societies […]

Byrds of Paradise

For a little while this week I was worried that I was the only person who remembered the abysmal one-season flop from 1993, Byrds of Paradise. It only got 12 episodes, and every single moment made you wish you were able to tear your own throat out with your teeth. But it had one redeeming […]

Wage Slave

Almost two years ago, I switched jobs at my idiotic company. I moved from the customer service arena to something (seemingly) far more rewarding that did not involve fucking customer service. It’s taken me this long to fully come to terms with this switch, and reach an emotional mindset that allowed me to fully parse […]

Pod People

It’s been awhile, so I figured I’d marathon the various versions of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Finney’s delicious little silver age sci-fi novel has spawned four official sequels so far. The original, of course, is a classic tale of Cold War paranoia (“Keep watching the skies!”), then we get a strange, meandering remake in […]

Failure to Thrive

All of my friends loved this old girlfriend I had. Despite the relationship ending poorly, they said that she should be congratulated for “healing me” or whatever the fuck. I can’t help but interpret this as some sort of backhanded insult. Like she should get a prize for putting up with me. I nod and […]

With Friends Like These…

There’s a great moment in the film Pump Up The Volume where Slater’s character is about to throw in the towel after he realizes the power of his pirate radio show, and is stunned by what it’s led to. “You see I didn’t plan it like this,” he says. “My dumb dad got me this […]