The King of Farts
I knew this kid in high school who was obsessed with poop. He’d measure every one of his shits – not just the quantity but the consistency. He’d fish out his turds and analyze them based on a series of …
The Cake Collector
My weekend job… Jesus. For 21 years I worked as the house manager/event coordinator at an old mansion in the suburbs of DC. Weddings, memorials, bar mitzvahs, birthdays, everything. Every event was so similar in theme and approach, I just …
That Gum You Like is going to Come Back in Style
Twin Peaks changed my life. It changed many lives. I’d argue that it’s changed all of our lives, even if you aren’t a fan, even if you haven’t seen it, even if you’re born today. Twin Peaks changed the way …
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Syria Me
In the wake of the dreadful terrorist attack on Paris (which, I promise, I won’t mock till early 2016), the US reaction has been typical. We blame the most disenfranchised colored people du jour – the Syrian refugees. Blacks and …
Vomit Vixen
I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.
The Gangbang Girl
In 1997, after graduating college, I got my first apartment in Bethesda, MD. It was in what my grandfather called “the old hotboxes” on Battery Lane, and it was pretty cool for a first apartment. Big, bright, and not a …
Why Halloween III was a great movie and people who disagree with me are probably dumb bitches
You know who you are. In my experience — and I am halfway through my fucking pathetic life — dumb bitches always know who they are.
Writing Break
I’ve finished a 380 page memoir about my family. I didn’t plan on that… The original plan was to write a 100 page “memoir” that, primarily, answered the one big question — what the fuck was up with your parents, …
Conspiracies I Don’t Understand
I love me a good conspiracy. Who shot JFK? We don’t know. There’s weird shit there that doesn’t make sense. Was the moon landing faked? I used to call shenanigans on that, but, my god, we can’t even get out …
Byrds of Paradise
For a little while this week I was worried that I was the only person who remembered the abysmal one-season flop from 1993, Byrds of Paradise. It only got 12 episodes, and every single moment made you wish you were …