Posts Tagged ‘Rants’

Vomit Vixen

I want to talk about the girl in high school who would give anyone who asked a blowjob but would then vomit the moment she started.

The Gangbang Girl

In 1997, after graduating college, I got my first apartment in Bethesda, MD. It was in what my grandfather called “the old hotboxes” on Battery Lane, and it was pretty cool for a first apartment. Big, bright, and not a dorm room or my grandparent’s back bedroom. He called them hotboxes because they were squat, […]

Failure to Thrive

All of my friends loved this old girlfriend I had. Despite the relationship ending poorly, they said that she should be congratulated for “healing me” or whatever the fuck. I can’t help but interpret this as some sort of backhanded insult. Like she should get a prize for putting up with me. I nod and […]

With Friends Like These…

There’s a great moment in the film Pump Up The Volume where Slater’s character is about to throw in the towel after he realizes the power of his pirate radio show, and is stunned by what it’s led to. “You see I didn’t plan it like this,” he says. “My dumb dad got me this […]

The Death of a Hometown

Oh, Bethesda, my Bethesda. A quarter of a century ago you were a sleepy little suburb, the end of the subway line, a quiet little community with no skyline and you curled up and went to sleep when the sun set. There were groovy head shops and record stores where I discovered the last vestiges […]

Hell is Other People

Oh, it’s so exhausting bleating on about how much I hate people. It’s like Blogging 101 to hate people. I say we should all just take the next step and embrace this hatred and take positive action to obliterate a large percentage of humanity, either through direct action, or simply by supporting acts of genocide […]

And on the fifth day, the Lord created the kender

I do quite a bit of business at my local UPS Store and, no, it does not involve mailing the body parts of hookers to my friend in Dead Indian Bend, IA. That was a young man’s game. These days I do a brisk trade in dried ears severed from Japanese soldiers by America’s Greatest […]

Heads Will Roll

I’m always a bit shocked when people say they hated history in school, and don’t devour it now in their spare time. What’s the matter with you? History is awesome, and I feel like I should convert a part of this front page into telling you how awesome it is. Basically, every moment of your […]

Mortality Slave

The only reason I follow you on Facebook is because I’m secretly hoping you’ll die or experience some horrible tragedy. Sometimes, that’s the only thing that keeps me going. The hope that one of my Facebook friends has been visited by some awful dark angel and, right there in front of me, I get to […]

On Nacho…

I have to update the GS blog because Amazon says they’ll ban me if I don’t. I don’t know if I actually care about it. It was just such a chastising sort of email. Like I’m the bad guy as opposed to the fact that they are Satan incarnate. But…that’s fine. Here’s the goddamned link […]