I’ve been to over a thousand weddings, as an employee charged with staying in a back office and trying to read a book. But I’ve only been a guest at three weddings…and all of them were alcohol free. Two were Muslim, which is fine. If fucking god tells you not to booze up, then okay. […]
As I enter my third day of voluntary sobriety, I find that the world is stark and boring. Really, though, it’s not that I feel I have a problem, or am speaking out against alcohol, or seeking help, or even putting any importance on lasting 30 days without a drink. I’m just screwing around. It’s […]
I think this compressed schedule is going to kill me. Get into the office at 8am (after leaving home at 7am, get home by 7pm, catch a rat and/or one of the neighbor’s children for dinner, then pass out. The supposed reward for working this retarded schedule is that I get every other Friday off. […]
I’ll start by saying that I really want to escape this life. I want to live on a West Virginia mountaintop, in a Joe Bob Briggs TNT Monstervision-era trailer, and just vanish. But that’s not really practical at this point in my life, so I have to look towards alternate means of escape.
I’ve decided to become an executioner. This is not just because I’ve been compulsively watching and rewatching the brilliant Snuff Box, which everyone reading should immediately go rent/buy/download, depending on your geography and budget. I’ve made this decision independent of television’s influence. I can tell the difference. For example, I really want — but know […]
We all know Two chicks, One Cup (a.k.a. Cupchicks). So let me go ahead and introduce you to the next phase: One orangutan, no cup. Yes, I’m bored. I’m working a 10 hour shift at my second job and I’m really hungover. I was okay this morning, because I was still drunk from last night. […]