No-Alcohol Weddings

I’ve been to over a thousand weddings, as an employee charged with staying in a back office and trying to read a book.  But I’ve only been a guest at three weddings…and all of them were alcohol free.

Two were Muslim, which is fine.  If fucking god tells you not to booze up, then okay.  But one was some sort of Christian fundamentalist thing, and I will not stand by that because, of all the deities Humanity has cooked up over the years, Jesus comes in at the number two boozehound spot.  Hell, all Bacchus did was party.  Fucking Jesus used up a miracle just to make sure there was enough booze at the party…And he was 12!  What the fuck is that?

If he pulled that shit at 30, then we’d be ho-hum.  But here’s this little kid who turns everything at the party into wine.  Even I would find that inconvenient.  Oh, it’s 2am, how about a soda or some coffee or something?

NO!  WINE!  All these barrels?  WINE!

If I pulled that shit at 12, I would have been shipped off to youth services.

Now, Nacho, about the wine…

And it’s not just some funny Messiah’s Childhood story, Jesus couldn’t leave that wine alone, could he?  Drink this in memory of me… DRINK IT!

I’ve known plenty of drunks like that crazy bastard.  This wine is my blood… Yeah, yeah, I hear you.  Look, I’ll get the next one, but that’s it.

The primary reason that fundamentalist wedding didn’t have booze is because the church let my friends use their little rec center.  So, really, my friends would have had booze if they could have afforded to get married in a real place.  I’m just generally offended when everybody’s favorite drunken god is invoked as an excuse to force me to sit through a fucking wedding without alcohol.  So offended, in fact, that I premixed several bottles of “special orange juice” and stowed them away in my big, big, troubled high schooler winter coat, which I have had since high school and have used fairly often to smuggle alcohol into booze-free zones.  I look forward to when I can wear that big coat.  I fill it up with bottles of beer and wine and mixed drinks and then head out somewhere and just let my friends feed off of me.

Yes!  I am the liquor worm!  Feed!  Feed!

I’ll stop now because I’ve been drinking scotch for two hours and I’m supposed to be hard at work here at my oh-so-serious job.  If I keep writing, I’m going to start reading out loud as I type.

I AM THE LIQUOR WORM.