Monkey’s Film Corner #1
Last night I watched one of the worst films ever made, “Wanted” (2008) starring a somewhat A-List cast of James McAvoy, Angelina Jolie, and Morgan Freeman. Promising, one thinks… as long as you don’t read the movie ‘blurb’ in the TV Guide.
Admittedly, the film played in the background as I watched several miles of 8mm snuff pornography, yet I paid enough attention for “Wanted” to anger me even now, one day and two bottles of red wine later. It was just so… so… very bad. I hope the A-List cast avoided the film premiere – if even it was allowed to have one – like Bill Cosby avoided consensual adult sex. Allegedly. This piece of shit was horrible, and embarrassingly so.
From cursory glances, I gathered this film was about a group of hitmen/assassins and my brain hurt for several minutes during a highly-produced action scene on a train in which every bullet shot by James McAvoy makes perfect contact with bullets fired from his opponent’s gun. Quite early on I realized that not even Angelina’s $100 blowjob-lips can save this trash.
In another scene these hitmen can, by virtue of swinging their arms, counteract the forces of a bullet traveling at roughly 1000 meters per second so that each ballistic round can travel in arcs and even circles. The denouement of one such scene ends when Angelina Jolie uses one bullet to kill several of her supposed hitmen friends standing around the perimeter of a circular hall at perfect intervals, and then dies herself when the bullet enters her head because she doesn’t step forwards/backwards by 30 centimeters and she falls down, dead, with a wry smile upon her fuck-hole… *cough*… lips.
It was abysmal. Oh, and Morgan Freeman said, “This motherfucker,” a few times. In between such cluster-fucks of cinematic intellect-rape are horrible cut scenes to allow for nonsensical timeline jumps between the narrative, and for some reason the ‘bad guys’ – not everybody responsible for this film’s existence – have hollow corkscrew bullets that somehow don’t explode in the barrel of their guns.
Then I decided to read the film’s blurb on the TV Guide.
“Wesley (James McAvoy) survives an assassination attempt only to be saved and find out he’s destined to join a group of magical hitmen.”
Who funded this turd, and why were the agents of McAvoy, Jolie, and Freeman, not garroted in their sleep? If ever there was motivation to encourage North Korea’s nuclear arsenal to be directed towards California, this is it.
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