Lists

Okay, so I got in a fender bender today and it’s pretty much preoccupied me all day. It was one of those deals where you’re nosing through a stopped line of traffic trying to cross a busy street and you think someone is waving you on but in reality they’re trying to warn you of an oncoming car you can’t see, one you’re about to pull right out in front of and get hit by at 5 miles an hour. Then I had to wait for the cops, bullshit with the guy I pulled in front of, worry about how much it will cost to repair my bumper, and whether this could all have been avoided if I’d just taken a side street. In fact, “Always take side streets” is now my new motto. So no glowing memoirs, no interesting stories, no essays today. Instead you get a bunch of lists that I made years ago under the influence of God knows what liquor. I’m going to go worry about my insurance coverage now.

Things Bears are Not Scared Of

Repeated verbal warnings

Metrosexuals

The outsourcing of American jobs

Wes Craven movies

Porn Star Names of Yesteryear

Madame Brinkley of Westfordshire

Rosemary Trellis

Edna Pinetart

Lil’ Miss Vonstroven

Madeline Cornswallow

Things in a Clown’s Pocket

Backup red nose

Expired condoms

Tic-Tacs

Other clowns

Good or Bad Names for Cats

Hypertext
Good Gracious
Lannagan Jones
Pretty Mouth

Dimwiddle

Shitlist
Gregor Samsa
Chop Socky
Heathen-puss

Victim

TV Shows Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller are Considering Adapting for the Big Screen

Kate and Allie

BJ and the Bear

McMillan and Wife

Diagnosis: Murder

Headbanger’s Ball

Small Wonder

New Yankee Workshop

Connor “Bright Eyes” Oberst’s Five Stages of Grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Ben and Jerry’s

Garage Sale Taboos

Box of sex toys set next to box of real toys

Kandinsky print displayed upside down

Price tag placed on wife

Guns and rifles assumed to be unloaded

Freezer chest not emptied of body parts

Held on Yom Kippur

Unpopular Tattoos

Unicorns/Fairies with Down Syndrome

Portrait of Eisenhower

Macintosh logo

Sonny and Cher lyrics

Sumerian symbols

Barb wire cutters

Alternative Times of the Day

Twilightish

Mid-dawn

Beer Forty-five

Forenoon

That time when we let it all hang out

Ashton Kutcher’s Favorite Salad Dressings

RaspDemi Vinaigrette

Thousand IslanDemi

Honey Demi Mustard

Ranch

Emotions Leroy, my Tiger Woods PGA Tour2006 avatar, is Unable to Express

Brief optimism

Valiant perseverance

Christ-like magnaminity

Haunting dejection

Life-affirming joy

Elephants in the Room

Susie’s chin mole

Davey’s ignorance of the fact that Rhonda is cheating on him

Someone put Bjork’s Medulla on the stereo

Chili-cheese dip is way too “bean-y”

Jared, an actual elephant from work that no one remembers inviting to the party

Movies Ray Charles Ironically Didn’t See

Blind Date

Blind Justice

Blind Fury

Blind Passion

Zatoichi: the Blind Swordsman

Blind Melon: Live at the Metro

Ray

Less Popular Child R&B Groups of the Seventies

The McMurty Seven

The Whittaker Three

The Jefferson Nineteen

The Middleton Nine

Los Hernandez Cinco