Vanquishing Seasonal Depression
I’ve long suffered from seasonal depression, and written desperately about it here, but, this year, I actually feel pretty good about the holidays. Christmas is around the corner and I’m just fine.
How’d I do this? Simple. I’ve spent the past 20 years embracing a culture of hate and anger and I’ve ostracized my entire family, creating irreparable rifts between all of us.
And, before you say how sad that sounds, remember that this is the family that tried to keep my mom’s lover 100 feet from her coffin during the funeral and actively sought legal reps to get all that in place while I sat there stunned and grieving. The family that condemned me when I was 12 merely because I resembled my father. And that’s all just the very tip of the iceberg. That’s, like, the tamest stuff.
So fuck them. I declare my freedom this season.
Of course, I sort of cheated. I got into the habit of travelling far away for Christmas – this year it’s to New Orleans – so now my family no longer expects me to be around. It’s all about conditioning. The long, slow road towards convincing my family that I do not exist.
Leaving town every Christmas also helps heal the wounds I associate with the city of my birth. I’m forever in the shadow of my family here. Historic markers, and buildings full of ghosts. Someday I’ll leave the DC area. Or die trying.
For a very long time, I’ve felt the wheel of life turning. And, today, I have a new-found sense of purpose. I feel the change happening…it’s time to step forward and fucking spit in the face of opposition once again. I’ve been hiding…slowly paying off debt, always pandering to pain or the memory of pain…always afraid.
The debt’s nearly gone, the pain is gone. And I have good friends. And all those who betrayed me, turned bad, or refused to stand by me will burn. Along with the family, and all the horrific baggage that they come with.
So roll on motherfucking christmas. Someone get me the goddamned eggnog. Let’s boogie down, you filthy swine. Also, here’s my fucking Amazon Wishlist.