The Cardinal Sin of Book Review Blogs

As part of my business, I subscribe to about 50 book review blogs. Partially to spam them with my books, and also to scan their content for past reviews. Because there’s no way of telling if they reviewed your book or not. Solipsism is the cardinal sin. Here are some of the major points for improvement:

1) What’s with not having an Amazon Associates account?

It’s been around for 12 years, it’s free, and it’s a great source of revenue. Now, I get it if you’re one of these retarded anti-Amazon people but, if you link the book you review to Amazon, why aren’t you an Associate? Here, retard. Just through very select and casual use, I pull down anywhere from $20-100 a quarter. It’s not even on GS anymore, unless you go to the tomb. I only have a handful of books liked up on the author pages for my company.

2) Post your review at Amazon/Barnes & Noble/everywhere.

If it’s a positive review, then help the book out, you idiots. The small group of people reading your dime a dozen blog are already converts. Go and put that nice review up at Amazon where thousands – or more – will read it. Those customer reviews sort of determine the casual impulse buys. They do for me… I put more weight on them than the media reviews. Plus, it’s a great ad for your blog. More people coming to your blog is a good thing. Especially if you’re selling books through your Associates account.

Publishers, publicists, and agents all look down on book review blogs because these isolated little reviews don’t translate into sales, or even buzz. You could change that if you branched out. Because those same industry professionals go fucking ga-ga over Amazon reviewers. The top 1000 Amazon reviewers are courted more aggressively than the New York Times. Sit in any room with anyone from the book industry and get them talking about the target review audience and the number of times they mention those Amazon reviewers will make you want to bite their faces.

If the prolific review bloggers crossed their shit over, it would change the face of everything. You’d have to buy a baseball bat to keep Random House off your doorstep with their free books, t-shirts, and offers to fellate you.

3) Only newspaper types write bad reviews. And, even then, they only do so because they have a quota to fill.

You can find plenty of lukewarm reviews, but the “I hate this book” review is reserved for schlock shit. If you don’t like the book, don’t review it. The book industry sucks. Bestsellers are a lie. The public doesn’t read. Authors don’t make money. Not really. The only books you should be tearing apart are self-published or vanity press novels (because those amateur fucks ruin it for the rest of us). Of course, a real reviewer won’t even touch those books. They’re thrown out as soon as they arrive. But, you know, if you’re looking to spice up your blog with negativity…

The industry ignores quality, so the readers should ignore shit. That’s our only defense. Because the joke’s on you, bad reviewer: The industry pros don’t believe in bad press. “Your review….[is]…a…stunning…[triu]mph.”

4) Link the book to a reseller.

What the fuck? You review the book and don’t link it to Amazon, B&N or wherever? You’re just being an asshole, then. Even if you’re some wild “support the physical stores” fuckhead, then at least link to the store locaters. Or Booksense, where you search for the title by zipcode to locate indie stores. If I mail you a book for review, that’s inventory lost and five bucks or more out of my pocket… Just for you to not use your spellchecker, not link it anywhere, and give it away to your readers. This goes back to the second point – having publishers take you seriously so, at the very least, you never pay for books again…

5) Inform the goddamned publisher that you wrote a review.

Oh my god… What? Tell the publisher. The website’s probably right there on the book. The publisher will love you, and probably send you a bunch of other books. Now, I’ll be the first to warn you that publishers can also be fuckheads, because our brains have turned into vodka-soaked oatmeal, but that will all change. There are good eggs now and, as the economy and the book industry continues to scream downwards into some dark abyss, the flakes will be peeled back to reveal really cool publishers who are insanely grateful for your time and effort.

I’d go so far as to say it’s rude not to let the publisher know about your review. I’m certainly upset when I see one of my books reviewed and no one lets me know. Publishers have to employ clipping services (or put-upon interns) to scour the papers and internet for reviews, because nobody communicates with anyone in this industry. It’s sick, really, and you’re a part of it.

Whatever happened to community? We’ve lost all focus. From the writing, to the marketing, to the reading of books…we’ve become inhuman machines. The average “life” of a book, in terms of receiving marketing support, is just a few weeks. After the first month, the book’s direction has been decided and it’s left for dead. How could that change if book review/news blogs coordinated their content with folks in the industry? It would change dramatically. As with everything, getting the diseased and demented book industry back into line begins with the people…

(Posted without using spellchecker and without talking to any publishers.)