Paranoia

I’ll confess to a little paranoia here and there. I like to think it’s because I’m from an urban environment. DC may be a small town, by most city standards, but the client suburbs hold millions of people. And the increasingly urbanized suburbs are all more then feeder bedroom communities these days.

And, as we all know, people are twisted vessels of despair, hatred, insanity, violence, and disease.

So by “paranoid” I mean “realistic.” People really are out to get me, whether intentionally or not.

I also drink. I drink because I’m paranoid, because I don’t have a girl, and because I’m far too lazy to form a proper drug habit.

So imagine my life when I heard about the Sam Adams bottle recall. All bottles marked with the serial numbers “N35OI” have been recalled by Sam Adams. Why? Because there’s fucking loose glass in the beer from the defective bottles.

We’ve all seen that episode of Oz, right? Where they kill the mob guy by feeding him ground-up glass in his food over a long period of time? I rarely drink Sam Adams, and the chances that I drank from one of these particular bottles produced by one of the country’s largest “micro” brews is astronomical, but I’m still sitting here waiting for a painful death.

Here’s the official statement from Sam Adams:

During a routine bottle inspection at one of our breweries, we detected possible defects in a small percentage of bottles resulting in the random presence of bits of glass, most the size of grains of sand, but some small slivers in some bottles as well. Based on this sample, we quickly began testing bottles of Samuel Adams at all of our breweries and identified that the problem appeared to be isolated to a single glass plant of the five that supply us.

We assembled a panel of food safety, medical and packaging experts including a medical doctor who have thoroughly evaluated the samples. People who bite or swallow a fragment could possibly be injured. While the possibility of injury to an individual consumer is very low and the Company has had no reports of any injury, we do know that the risk is not zero, so we are voluntarily recalling all products in bottles from this specific glass plant that we believe could possibly be affected.

The risk is not zero! See, I’m not paranoid. I know that, no matter what, the risk is always more than zero. Even when I get up in the morning, because I just know that there’s a large black man (played by Tony Todd in the movie of my life) waiting for me in the shower stall with a long, curved blade. And he’s covered in blood. And totally naked. And he rapes me while stabbing me in every vital organ. And then he steals my stuff.

Please, god, don’t steal my stuff.