The New Testicle IV: The Bobsel of Nohj, part one
Yes, I was very drunk when I wrote this. And you can read more about what my mind was like in 1993 in the New Testicle Intro.
The Bobsel According To
In the beginning was the Word;
The word was Sausage;
And that word was with BOB!
The son of BOB was there with BOB
And so, all things were cool
And apart from being cool,
The freshmen were slain.
Whatever and whoever were
Pleasured by him
Saved as Men and Women (and dogs, and cats, and – )
The Purple light
Is above my skull
And there it shines
Into the darkness of Men
A darkness which cannot overcome
The cool black light of BOB.
There was a man named Nohj, who saw Bob Jr rise and was witness to the glory of BOB. Through me, all Men may believe in BOB…and also get a good high. The real light which gives light to the lightless dark souls who are the light of BOB who is the light.
He was the world and
The world was better
Cause The Police were there
And Talking Heads
And Pink Floyd
And Jethro Tull
And David Bowie
All unto him and his light
Yet, at this time, the world did not know who he was.
No one accepted him.
Instead they listened unto
Heavy metal and
Rebellion was expressed with dyed hair and pierced nipples.
Never was rebellion expressed with intellect, and cunning, and being genuine.
But he, our Lord, Bob Jr, changed such things.
To us he came.
He gave us the ability to be the blessed of BOB; to never touch mon- and to donate money to the NOHJ THE APOSTLE PANCAKE BREAKFAST!! EVERY TUESDAY IN NOHJ’S APARTMENT WITH BOBETTE THE VIRGIN AND POLE THE CONVERT!!!
The word of BOB, Sausage, became flesh. Pig flesh! And came unto us.
Nohj testifies that: I am second for he who came first is before me and I am after the first of he who comes first which makes me second after he who came first but now I am first where once I was second as he who came first died first.
But Nohj the Bobist states: He who came first is me and he who came second is better than he who came first even though he who came first proves to be better but I died first so he who came second is first and I am third.
So, as BOB has proclaimed in the last words of his Old Testicle, his son came unto Humanity and was born unto Bobette the soiled virgin in a small suburban community.
II: BEGIN HERE
Nohj the Bobist said unto the questioning officials, “I stand here in the Potomac to bless those who wish to come into the kingdom of our savior, Bob Jr.”
And the officials asked unto Nohj the Bobist, “Is it you who are our Lord, the savior, Bob Jr?”
And Nohj the Bobist replied, “I am he who comes before the savior. I am he who eats bugs and drinks this filthy water to make a point.”
“That’s a pretty way-out point!” the officials jeered.
“Blow me!” Nohj called out, successfully silencing them.
This happened in the Potomac, across from National Airport, where Nohj was Bobbing.
It was the next day when Nohj caught sight of Bob Jr traveling his way. Bob Jr waded into the Potomac, and asked Nohj for a Bobizm.
Nohj the Bobist said, “I cannot Bobize he who is already with BOB.”
“Then,” spoke Bob Jr, “dive beneath the surface and find me a great treasure.”
And so Nohj the Bobist dived into the filthy water, and returned with a black box from an airplane which had crashed a year earlier.
It was then that a chicken flew out of the sky, and swooped down unto the two men, and the voice of BOB was heard:
“This is my son! Touch him.”
Nohj reached out and poked Bob Jr’s chest, whereupon Bob Jr (not having heard the word of his father) grabbed Nohj’s hand and twisted it around.
“Next time you touch me, I’ll kill you.”
Nohj, his hand broken, gibbered in fear and drifted below the surface of the Potomac.
The next day, Nohj saw Bob Jr jogging through the park. He said to his followers, “There is the Bobcat of BOB; go – follow him.”
They followed Bob Jr, and when Bob Jr turned upon them and saw, he said, “I have a gun. One more step and -”
“Blarin,” (which means teacher. Sorry, I just made that word up) “where do you rest your head at night?”
“I have a pad downtown.” B.J. answered. So they went to his pad and spent the day (well, it was only the afternoon) drinking beer, eating pizza, and watching sci-fi shows.
At which point, Werdna traveled forth to seek out his brother Pain. Pain was working at the Olsson’s at Dupont Circle, and there Werdna came unto him and said, “Brother, we have found the Mushroom!” (That means Anointed One, if you know what I mean.)
And so Pain went unto Bob Jr, and he, his brother Werdna, and Stewart sat for the rest of the evening and watched The Prisoner.
The next day, they were marching in Bethesda, where they met Flip.
“Come and join us…” and so, Flip left his BMW, and joined the ranks.
And so they feasted at Roy Rogers and drew upon themselves the angels of Bob Heavens (where there is heartburn and sausage).
And so Bob Jr, his mom, and his disciples crashed a party in Chevy Chase. The Rob-lovers there were about to kick out Bob Jr when the wine ran out.
“Please…you must help!” they whined.
And so Bob Jr went into the kitchen, and said unto the servants (those who made less than 100,000 dollars a year) to fill the kegs with water.
He then spit in each keg, and thus, he turned the water into Purple Passion.
Everyone at the party got so totally smashed, they never even thought about how this miracle could have happened.
Bob Jr then went to the local churches, and found them covered with evergreens which had been cut and wrapped in plastic.
“What is the meaning of this? Why are the houses of BOB covered in mutilated trees?”
And the preachers told him, “It is Christmas. We are selling the trees.”
With this, Bob Jr grew enraged. He threw the trees from the churches, “This is a house of BOB! How dare you kill the trees and throw them upon the floor! Did not BOB create those trees? Are not these buildings the temples of our Father, BOB? Why do you do this?” So, Bob Jr slaughtered the preachers, wrapping them in plastic, and placing outrageous price tags on them while the apostles leaned the corpses up along the fences and parking lots of the churches.
And this angered the Kinkmaster Kiaphas and his Krew. They began to think that Bob Jr. was gaining too much power.
And so a preacher came unto Bob Jr.
“I wish to give up my old beliefs, and follow the new way of BOB!”
And Bob Jr replied,
“Look man, we’re just about to go watch Space 1999. Why don’t you join us?”
And so the preacher, whose name was Nikoli, came and watched Space 1999. There was much cheering as Bob Jr turned off the tape, and reached for some old Doctor Who episodes.
It was at this point that Nikoli saw how cool Bob Jr was and took off his robes. Standing there, naked, Bob Jr was forced to retreat into the back room, and thus he returned with clothing.
“When you are naked, I shall clothe you,” spoke Bob Jr. And so he placed red and white polka-dotted boxer shorts on Nikoli, “Always wear the boxers of BOB, for you shall reproduce and not itch as much.”
And then Bob Jr placed black dockers over the underpants, and a black and purple, paisley, cotton, button-down shirt. Bob Jr then placed a fancy black blazer over the shirt. At which point there was much whistling and clapping. Bob Jr then placed a fedora upon Nikoli’s head, and a pair of round, metal-rimmed, purple-reflective sunglasses on his face. There were cries of BOB and studliness from the apostles.
Nikoli had been transformed.
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