Psychotic Monster Screening Quiz

I recently took all the quizzes on Psychcentral to see if it was okay for me to have killed and mutilated all those illegal Mexican girls when I was living in the small border town of Antelope Wells, NM. Good news: It was okay! Because I have a “disease” that can be “treated.” Much in the way I treated the corpses of those girls with lye, I imagine!

I was confused by one result, though. The anxiety quiz said that I had little or no anxiety but the depression quiz said I was mildly depressed. I would have though the results would have been vice versa. Or is it possible that I only feel anxious because of my depression? Perhaps Psychcentral should look into somehow creating a way to cross-reference various tests?

Though I’m not entirely sure they really put much effort behind the creation of these quizzes. Let’s take the “Suicide Screening Quiz” as an example. It consists of only one question:

1. Over the last 2 weeks, how often have you been bothered by thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of killing yourself?
Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly every day
Every day

Of course anything besides “not at all” raises the red flag and gets an “OMG motherfucker!!! Seek help immediately!!!!!” response. So, basically, the “Suicide Screening Quiz” asks “Are you suicidal? y/n.” I find that to be sort of a nasty joke. A suicidal person logs on and finds this quiz and, cheered for a bit, decides to take it. Maybe they’ll be told that it’s bad out there for everyone? Maybe the quiz will give them hope? Maybe the ranking will say that they aren’t at risk and they shouldn’t pull the trigger!

Then up comes the one question, written by an idiot, and the only way to answer is either “I am so totally normal and happy I’m like a dick right before it explodes in a sweet, sweet orgasm” or “I’m so fucked, I’d better just do it so I stop tying up your servers with my pointless browsing.”

Well done, Psychcentral. Well done.