The Finger

I have finally completed my 20 year study on why women think it’s acceptable to stick their fingers up your ass. The results are below.

I first encountered this phenomenon in high school when Natasha, the chain-smoking, heroin-addicted gal I met behind the teacher’s parking lot wall every Tuesday and Thursday after Intro to Psych would suck me off and, gently, probe her flo-jo nailed finger into my ass. I figured there was just Something Wrong With Her or, as my grandmother might say, though not in a similar situation, she was “touched.” I chose not to complain because I could feel the back of her throat and, more or less, was preoccupied with an irrational fear that she might sneeze.

In college, the same sort of situation was repeated. With my first college girlfriend, I just assumed that this was normal. Girls stuck their fingers up your ass at various points during foreplay, oral sex, and during sex. With my second college girlfriend, I became worried that this technique was designed to dampen the mood and create an asexual environment where I would be afraid to touch her below the neck lest she jam her goddamn finger up my ass.

She left me because I “seemed to not be turned on” by her. Though, really, every chaste, closed-mouth kiss came with the horrible image of three inches of finger probing me.

I started to wonder: Why do women feel the need to do this? So I started asking them, and the answers I received were varied. Several women swore that the “male G-Spot” was in our asses. I asked about specific anatomical references here and, of course, they could provide none. Some women said that they had been asked to do it by every boyfriend they’d had. A bizarre turning of the tables which, frankly, I do not believe. The rare, honest few said they did it to punish men for being anally obsessed and that they took extreme pleasure from the resulting discomfort.

Eventually, as I asked about this, I started to recognize a very subtle through-line. The majority of women I’ve spoken to about this over the years have implied that there is a sort of shared consciousness about such things. That some secret delta wave exists with all females in the universe, and that collective unconscious tells them that they must stick their fingers up a guy’s ass to make him happy.

As a guy who went to a co-ed Catholic school, I know well that women are not of the same species. In fact, they are so alien that they must always be segregated. And slipped into short skirts and knee-high stockings and patent leather shoes in their early teen years.

When it came time for sex ed, the girls were separated from the herd and taken to some dark and secret place deep within the school while we boys sat in a class and had nuns scream at us Pink Floyd style about how even touching a pussy would result in terrible, wasting diseases.

The girls would be released, giggling, and look knowingly at us.

And, now, it is all clear. They were told, in those secret chambers of girldom, that it was okay to stick their fingers up our asses.

That all seems a bit too easy, though. I knew, because I’m a scientist, that there must be more to it. I continued my investigations and, finally, I have collated all of the information. My own observations, countless interviews, and furious internet surfing. The answer is shockingly simple.

Beautiful girls perpetuate this lie in an attempt to further undermine girls who are not traditionally beautiful.

Beautiful girls, even at a young age, have a natural awareness of how fleeting and fickle life can be. Today they’re a model, tomorrow they’re scarred, old, wasted, damaged, cancerous, or they’ve lost their tits. This happens to all of us. Somewhere around 15, a great, impenetrable darkness settles on a beautiful girl’s soul. She knows she’s on borrowed time and, starting on her 16th birthday, it’s all going to be downhill. She starts to plot and plan. How can I, she asks herself, guarantee that I’m happy and not alone at 40?

A tall order! Because, with men, as we move through our 30’s, we start to realize that there are only two choices in life. 15 year olds or ugly women. Or go gay. Or just cut it off and illuminate manuscripts. Four choices. Sorry.

Or sheep. Five choices.

Anyway… The beautiful women are fading by 40. They start to resemble the mountain of skin care products and their plastic containers. Men turn towards the unassuming plain janes. Perfectly natural. But, what if those unassuming plain janes stick their fingers up your ass? Suddenly not so desirable, eh? Maybe that ex-beautiful girl is the way to go after all…

Generation after generation, beautiful girls whisper into the ears of their inferiors: Guys really like it when you stick your finger up their ass. All as an attempt to destroy those inferiors once and for all.

By my estimation, this has been going on for centuries. The uglier women look up to the shining examples of their gender and take the false advice to heart, pass it on to their children, and on it goes. The horror of a comely girl’s deeds.

The historian in me wants to know who the First Woman was who suggested this. Was it Helen of Troy? So desirable because her lesser contemporaries had an ass fetish? Maybe it came later. It’s probably why Queen Elizabeth I was unmarried. So much is explained in women’s history with these results…I scarcely know where to begin.