As we all move deeper into blog culture, there’s something that’s really starting to become a serious pet peeve: That desperate attempt to start a conversation in the comments area.
You know – either the “open threads,” where the blogger puts up a blank post and encourages people to chat away like it’s a BBS or a forum or something. Or the stilted questions: I like sex, food, and sleeping. What about you? I think it would be really bad to get shot in the face. What do you think? I bet you wouldn’t want me to tear out your throat with my teeth…would you? Let me know in the comments below!
The only possible explanation for this is that we’ve all become so addled and lonely that a fucking blog post is our last, best hope for human contact. Otherwise, why would anyone want to hear from the internet at large? Even the vaguely intelligent people are barely paying attention and no longer have the ability or the wit to read 500 words. But the bulk of the people are idiots locked away in their sad little world. And those are the ones who scare me. The ones who actually make an attempt to provide some sort of involved answer to whatever idiot question the blogger has asked. Seriously? Is there a poison gas warning outside, maybe? Are you commenting from the safety of your shelter? Because okay, then. You’re 20 years after the Apocalypse and you’ve read Moby Dick 14 times so you’re losing your mind. I forgive you, in that case, for taking shit far too seriously and writing some deranged reply to the question: “Do you like cheese? Let me known in the comments!”
The internet has given voice to creatures we all should be seeking out and exterminating when we find them: The armchair psychologists. The pedantic college students. The enraged anoraks. If I had the energy, I’d link to all the forums bitching about my assessment of the second season of Space:1999, which I condemned on the old page.
If a blogger is too lazy to update properly, then just take the day off. Don’t spam our Google Reader with your open threads and collecting stray thoughts and funny links sent by mom and asinine conversation starters.
We’re starting to treat blogging the way most of us go about our daily lives – ceaseless yammering because we’re terrified of the silence. Because we’re incapable of looking at our own faces in the mirror. Well, I’m not included in that category. I may post the occasional humorous Piper Palin picture, or drunkenly complain about having nothing to complain about, but I’m not afraid of the silence. I have important things to do. Like watch The Restaurant. Jesus fucking Christ am I addicted to that stupid show.
So is Michele really hot in that skinny 30-something witchy way? Look at that curly-haired freaky, whining bitch. I love her. I want to take her back to Russell’s kitchen and cook her for dinner.
Let me know if you also want to eat Michele Meat Pies in the comments section!