Miyagi

You know who had the perfect life? Mr. Miyagi. The original one. He works in that weird maintenance shed by the Dumpsters, hidden away from all the other apartments. He never seems to have anything to do during the day except work on his hobbies. At night, he walks home to his weird slice of Okinawa-in-exile that’s in the middle of an inaccessible junkyard and completely walled in. 

I want that life! A weird, isolated, care-free existence. Becoming strangely intimate with underaged boys and —

No!  Wait! Not that part! 

Seriously — what was Ralph Macchio’s mom thinking? If I were in her shoes, I’d be like, okay, kid, I don’t care if you go gay, but lay off the old, creepy Okinawans who take a fucking week to fix my goddamned sink.

That’s all I really get from Karate Kid. Miyagi’s the worst maintenance man ever. Who hired that guy? Can I please have that job?

“Nacho! Get to work fixing the sewage backup.”

“No, sorry, I have to focus on my bonsai.”

“But…you’ve been sitting in your office for the last 40 hours watching reruns of 70’s sci-fi shows and drinking vodka.”

“I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND BONSAI!!!”

Instead of hanging out with underaged boys and beating the shit out of their high school bullies, I could hang out with…. Underaged girls! 

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have one particular girl in mind — Jennifer Connelly circa 1986. I know everyone is like, hey, she was only 16. Dude, have you seen Labyrinth? In that, she’s 16 going on….I don’t know what. But Jesus Christ. Stay back, woman-child, you’re dangerous. I think 16 year olds like that should live in a cave in the mountains and not be allowed in town.

“Hey, how about that Jennifer Connolly?”

“Hah! The witch? You should stay away from that.”

“Yeah. You’re right.”

“Stay out of the hills!”

Judging from the collection of historic cars, and the work he’s done on the junkyard house, Miyagi’s job as caretaker for Generic Garden Apartments must have paid pretty well. And talk about vacation time! He fixes a sink, he bonds with his new boy toy, and then he takes off a couple months to train the boy toy to be an expert in karate capable of defeating people who have been training, monk-like, since infancy. (That kid in Karate Kid II probably went home and blew his head off.)

I’ll go ahead and put it out there then. This will be my version of Monster.com. Nacho Sasha: Seeking job as groundskeeper/maintenance staff at low-rent yet luxurious apartments with an ocean view. Ample free time to lurk in the workshed, focused on tedious hobbies, required. Must be within walking distance to a junkyard that has an acre at its center inexplicably zoned for residential use.

Capable of beating up gangs of white-bred yuppies, but only at night, when they’re distracted, and if I drunkenly launch off the top of a Dumpster and crash into them. Prone to last minute, unannounced flights to Okinawa during typhoon season.

References available on request.