Nacho’s Rejected Customer Service Week Activities

October is marred by “Customer Service Week,” where we all get together and play games, solve puzzles, and participate in absurd activities that, at best, call to mind a kindergarten class composed entirely of retards who have had those four hour energy drinks injected into their eyeballs.

There’s nothing more distressing than Nerf bowling down the aisles of our workspaces and a cheerleader squad composed of grossly overweight 60 year olds screaming at the top of their lungs.

The big joke is that Customer Service Week seems to not be about customer service. While my co-workers leap and scream and throw tiny plastic bowling balls for four straight hours, the phone lines are blinking, calls are being abandoned, and all of our administrative work is piling up. Especially frustrating when you consider that Customer Service Week comes at the same time as our high holy renewal season after four months of sitting around idle wondering if the phones are broken. You’d think, maybe, that would be taken into consideration. Maybe they’d move it up for us to avoid the busy season?

But… No.

When not bowling, it’s puzzle and game time. Our email inboxes fill up with trivia questions, clues, responses, and winner announcements. My co-workers form unofficial teams and gather in out of the way offices and cubicles to solve questions that can all be answered with a 10 second Google search. But they never use Google because my co-workers really are retarded kindergartners that have had the contents of those little energy drinks injected into their eyeballs.

As a rule, I refuse to participate. But, every once in a while, I’m asked if I have any ideas for activities. Some of my rejected ideas are below:

• The Most Dangerous Game

Each of my co-workers can choose one defensive item from a selection I provide on our communal filing cabinet/food/party gathering area. They are then given an hour to hide somewhere in the building. Then I stalk them, hitting them repeatedly with a paintball gun when I find them. For each successful “kill,” I’m awarded seven hours PTO.

Some co-workers will be given useful items (paint guns with limited ammo, wooden swords, etc.), and some may be given items that involve some mental capacity – components for traps, etc. If they defeat me, they get seven hours PTO.

Co-workers are encouraged to “kill” each other either to set traps for me or improve their arsenal.

• Baffles ‘n’ Traps

Pizza party! However, to get to the pizza, co-workers must navigate a deadly maze…

• Pie Eating for PTO

A pie eating contest where the winner receives one week PTO.

• Generic Supermarket Flatcake Tossing

In the boardroom, several co-workers are armed with inedible supermarket flatcakes – the bane of our existence. We must toss each flatcake 10 yards at an opponent. If we fail, then our opponent gets a shot at us. Each successful hit is good for 5 hours PTO.

• Director for a Day

Chosen by lottery, one of us will change places with our Director, and both parties will assume all the responsibilities of the other – which are startlingly similar, with the exception that one will be playing solitaire and staring blankly at a cubicle wall and the other will be playing solitaire and staring blankly out of a big window at the office building next door.