Customer Service Transcripts #8

A lack of understanding, sir!

Customer: I want to renew my membership, but I will not pay the extra assessment.

Me: Okay, that’s no problem. We can remove that assessment.

Cust: Sir?

Me: Yes?

Cust: I want to renew my membership, but I will not pay the extra assessment.

Me: …okay. That’s no problem.

Cust: I don’t understand you.

Me: You do not have to pay the assessment.

Cust: I don’t know what you’re saying. Just take the assessment off.

Me: Okay. I. Will.

(we go through the renewal process, credit card, etc)

Me: Okay, and how does your name appear on the credit card?

Cust: Sir?

Me: How does your name appear on the card?

Cust: I don’t understand what you’re saying.

Me: I need to know how your name is written on that credit card.

Cust: I have no idea what you’re saying. Please charge my card now, thank you. (He hangs up)

No sense of humor (call received at 4pm)

Me: Service Center, How may I help you?

Cust: So you’re closed!

Me: I’m sorry?

Cust: Does this mean you’re closed?

Me: Does…what?

Cust: “Service center.” So you’re service. You’re telling me that you’re closed.

Me: No… We’re not.

Cust: What is “service” anyway? Who is “service”? Is it —

Me: Sir, how can I help you?

Cust: Oh, no sense of humor at the “service” center that’s closed!

Me: I’m here for a few more hours, sir. Now, please, how can I help you?

Cust: You can’t! You’re closed! (hangs up)

In a similar vein… (caller selected “order a book” on the phone tree)

Me: Hello, this is the book order department, how may I help you?

Cust: What is the ‘book order department’?

Me: I’m sorry?

Cust: I need you to tell me what ‘the book order department’ is.

Me: It’s the option you selected. The book order department.

Cust: (in a rush) I’m from Rhode Island and I have an abusive husband and I want to report a doctor who abused me and….

Me: Stop. This is the book order line.

Cust: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!

(I terminated the call)

Conversion Attempts

Cust: (shouting as soon as I start to speak) Are you a Christian?

Me: No.

Cust: YOU WILL BURN IN ETERNAL HELL!

Me: Will I?

Cust: It is my duty, as an evangelist, to tell you that.

Me: Okay.

Cust: Are you willing to become a Christian?

Me: No way.

Cust: Why not?

Me: Because of you, right now.

Cust: You fear me because I am with God!

Me: I do fear you, yes.

Cust: You must accept Jesus.

Me: Well…not really.

Cust: Then you will burn for all eternity.

Me: Well, you know…better to rule in hell, right?

Cust: (pause) What’s your name?

Me: Steve.

Cust: Spell that.

Me: (spells it)

Cust: And your last name?

Me: Clomholder-Smyth.

Cust: Spell that.

Me: (spells it)

Cust: I will pray for you every night, Steve Clomholder-Smyth. (hangs up)