Customer Service Transcripts #8
A lack of understanding, sir!
Customer: I want to renew my membership, but I will not pay the extra assessment.
Me: Okay, that’s no problem. We can remove that assessment.
Cust: Sir?
Me: Yes?
Cust: I want to renew my membership, but I will not pay the extra assessment.
Me: …okay. That’s no problem.
Cust: I don’t understand you.
Me: You do not have to pay the assessment.
Cust: I don’t know what you’re saying. Just take the assessment off.
Me: Okay. I. Will.
(we go through the renewal process, credit card, etc)
Me: Okay, and how does your name appear on the credit card?
Cust: Sir?
Me: How does your name appear on the card?
Cust: I don’t understand what you’re saying.
Me: I need to know how your name is written on that credit card.
Cust: I have no idea what you’re saying. Please charge my card now, thank you. (He hangs up)
No sense of humor (call received at 4pm)
Me: Service Center, How may I help you?
Cust: So you’re closed!
Me: I’m sorry?
Cust: Does this mean you’re closed?
Me: Does…what?
Cust: “Service center.” So you’re service. You’re telling me that you’re closed.
Me: No… We’re not.
Cust: What is “service” anyway? Who is “service”? Is it —
Me: Sir, how can I help you?
Cust: Oh, no sense of humor at the “service” center that’s closed!
Me: I’m here for a few more hours, sir. Now, please, how can I help you?
Cust: You can’t! You’re closed! (hangs up)
In a similar vein… (caller selected “order a book” on the phone tree)
Me: Hello, this is the book order department, how may I help you?
Cust: What is the ‘book order department’?
Me: I’m sorry?
Cust: I need you to tell me what ‘the book order department’ is.
Me: It’s the option you selected. The book order department.
Cust: (in a rush) I’m from Rhode Island and I have an abusive husband and I want to report a doctor who abused me and….
Me: Stop. This is the book order line.
Cust: FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
(I terminated the call)
Conversion Attempts
Cust: (shouting as soon as I start to speak) Are you a Christian?
Me: No.
Cust: YOU WILL BURN IN ETERNAL HELL!
Me: Will I?
Cust: It is my duty, as an evangelist, to tell you that.
Me: Okay.
Cust: Are you willing to become a Christian?
Me: No way.
Cust: Why not?
Me: Because of you, right now.
Cust: You fear me because I am with God!
Me: I do fear you, yes.
Cust: You must accept Jesus.
Me: Well…not really.
Cust: Then you will burn for all eternity.
Me: Well, you know…better to rule in hell, right?
Cust: (pause) What’s your name?
Me: Steve.
Cust: Spell that.
Me: (spells it)
Cust: And your last name?
Me: Clomholder-Smyth.
Cust: Spell that.
Me: (spells it)
Cust: I will pray for you every night, Steve Clomholder-Smyth. (hangs up)
what would i do without these to remind me i am relatively sane?