Customer Service Transcripts #9

Seriously…I’m not making this up.

Customer: We are returning two journals sent to us in error and we demand a shipping credit.

Me: Okay, well, don’t bother returning them. We can’t pay for shipping. You can keep them, recycle them, or give them away.

Cust: We have already mailed them back.

Me: Well, I’m sorry, but we cannot reimburse you for shipping.

Cust: That is okay. We don’t want a reimbursement.

Me: Okay… So, I’m sorry, maybe I misunderstood. What do you need the credit for?

Cust: We demand a credit of zero Euros.

Me: Um…sorry?

Cust: Yes. Zero Euros.

Me: Um…okay… Consider it done!

Cust: We need you to generate an invoice which reflects that you have awarded us a credit of zero Euros.

Me: We can’t create an invoice for a zero amount. Or for Euros.

Cust: We demand this.

Me: I’m sorry. You mean zero as in nothing, right? No Euros. A zero balance. Nothing owed. Right? And Euros the currency, right?

Cust: Correct.

Me: Tell you wait. Can I mail you zero Euros? That will be easier. I’ll just give you zero Euros out of my own pocket.

Cust: Yes. That will be acceptable. Please make the check payable to (name).

I love it when I get calls like this. Sometimes I keep them going on purpose…

Cust: So my dues were paid?

Me: They were, yes.

Cust: They were?

Me: They were.

Cust: They were paid?

Me: They were.

Cust: You said they were paid?

Me: They were, yes.

Cust: They…they were?

Me: They were.

(We went on for two minutes.)

He has a PhD, goddamnit!

Cust: I have a complaint about your webpage!

Me: Okay. The contact email for webpage complaints is (email).

Cust: I have a PhD and your webpage makes no sense!

Me: Okay.

Cust: How do I access my subscriptions? THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE!

Me: You’ll need to login to get to your subscriptions.

Cust: Well how the hell do I login! THERE’S NO PLACE TO LOGIN!

Me: On the main page —

Cust: I’M THERE AND THERE IS NO PLACE TO LOGIN!

Me: You’re on (webpage)?

Cust: …no…

Me: Okay. That’s where you want to go. When there, the login —

Cust: NO IT’S NOT THERE!

Me: Are you on (webpage)?

Cust: Yes.

Me: Then the login button is —

Cust: Look, I have a PhD and it’s not there!

Me: Will you let me finish?

Cust: What?

Me: On the right side of the screen, next to the picture, there’s a box marked “Login” that asks for your login.

Cust: Oh….uh…yes. You’re right.

Me: (silence)

Cust: I’m sorry.

Me: That’s okay.

Cust: But, look, on a normal website, the login is up at the top.

Me: It is on our site, too.

Cust: No it’s not!

Me: You see up on the top right? “Home, Help, Login.” Is that what you mean?

Cust: Um…yes. Well. Sorry again.

Me: No problem.

Cust: Okay. Well. Goodbye.

That’s one hell of a shipping delay… (call received January 21, 2010)

Cust: I want to cancel my order for (book). Our PO number was 136014-2.

Me: I’m afraid that I can’t find that number in our system. When did you send it in?

Cust: 1998.

Me: Sorry?

Cust: 1998.

Me: You want to cancel an order for a book that was made in 1998?

Cust: Yes.

Me: We don’t have those records on file anymore, I’m afraid.

Cust: What? Why not?

Me: That was 12 years ago.

Cust: So? We placed an order. And we’ve been watching for it.

Me: You’ve been waiting 12 years for your book?

Cust: Yes! And we’re not waiting any longer, so please cancel that order.

Me: Consider it canceled.

Cust: God. Thank you. (hangs up)