Thanks to the so-called snowpocalypse, I’ve had a six day weekend and counting as the snow continues to fall. Outside my window right now, we’re at whiteout conditions. Public transportation is shut down, and the only way to survive is to polish off the last of the rum for breakfast and have a few toaster strudels.
Personally, I’m glad for the holiday. I don’t care if the world needs to fall into Hades, I’ll do anything for a day off. And blizzard conditions are the best sort of conditions for an unplanned mid-week holiday. Nobody’s out there. Everything has stopped. No mailmen, no smokers, no weird neighbors standing beneath my window and staring up at me like Pod People. No loud trucks or speeding cars. It’s a wasteland out there. Truly a snowpocalypse. Or “snowmageddon,” as Obama calls it. These old white men we elect to be President are so out of it!
Oh, wait! My fault. Obama isn’t an old white man toeing the line. It’s confusing sometimes.
One thing I hate is how the Post (and the, perhaps misquoted, director of the Office of Personnel Management) go on and on about the cost of a snow day. Allegedly, it costs the taxpayers 0 million to close the government for a day. Which…doesn’t really make sense. Remember when the government used to save the budget, in those olden days of the 80’s and 90’s, by shutting down for a few days? How can both scenarios be possible? Just generally speaking, wouldn’t having all those buildings go quiet for the day save money? Lights and computers off, thermostats turned down? I would think that alone would save taxpayers 100 million a day.
Or is it $100 million in lost labor? Because that’s not true, either. Are Federal employees not allowed to have smartphones, PDA’s, or laptops?
Last I heard, Obama wanted government workers – in his dream world – to go 50/50 with telecommuting. Many of my government worker friends are already forced to stay home as part of the “go green initiative.” The FDA has put everybody on a four day week, with one day telecommuting. And “closed” is not really closed, you know. Those government worker friends of mine who have already begun telecommuting have all been tapped to work from home, despite that closed status. OPM has written such stipulations into the status message, as well. They say:
Telework employees may be expected to work from their telework sites, as specified in their telework agreements.
So… everything’s the same. The work is going on, as it normally does. The buildings are quiet. I really don’t see where the $100 million cost is coming from. Except, of course, the diseased American work ethic. We can’t possibly have a six day weekend because the fucking Zoloft will wear off and we’ll kill each other… Which will cost $100 million a day because the police have to commandeer plows to get into the neighborhoods so they can shoot us if we’re having a snowball fight.
Here’s an idea: Close for the week and let’s all have fun. Get to know our neighbors. Abuse Netflix Watch Instantly. Read a motherfucking book, you illiterate cunts. Enjoy yourselves! And if the taxpayer is getting stuck with a bill…well, at least it’s not a bill for a drone that accidentally shot up an orphanage in Afghanistan. I think $100 million for a day off is worth every penny.
But who am I? I’m drinking rum at 7am.
For those looking for Snowpocalypse pictures, you can find them in the forums. I can’t take any today because there’s a corpse just outside my door and feral neighborhood dogs – still wearing the tatters of their canine Snuggies – are tearing it to pieces and attacking anything that moves.
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