The New Testicle III: The Bobsel of Luke Duke, part one

The Bobsel According to

Introduction (1993):
The Bobsel According to Luke Duke was written many years after the birth of Bob Jr.  The author, Luke Duke, was a confeder­ate licensed by the new government to retell the story of Bob Jr as he believed it to have happened.  Of course, the result was a little upsetting.  However, as all the original Bobsels were lost, Luke Duke’s Bobsel was added to confuse and confound the world with false information.

There once was a man called Norm, direct blood-line descendant of King Sal.  Norm was a carpenter, the best in Hazzard County.  He had his own PBS TV show.  His wife, embarrassingly known as Marilyn the Virgin, was a simple country girl.

A time came when Boss Hogg, the evil Viking leader, organized a census of all the people of Hazzard County, and Norm and Marilyn had to camp out in a Sani-John outside Cooter’s garage.  One night, a glowing figure appeared to Marilyn.  He looked very cool, and he wore shades and a big badge that said:  “Bob Jr is coming”.  The following is their conversation:

“Hi, babe!”

“Oh my!  An angelic vision.  You’re so bright – can I borrow those sunglasses?”

“Of course,” at which point he generously gave her his ultra-cool sunglasses.

“So why come to me, oh shining dude?”

“Well, it goes like this:  I’m the archangel Crabriel, God BOB’s right hand man.  We’re up there in Bob Heavens (where there is funky sausage) and we notice how boring the world’s gotten recently.  We need some sort of ultimate messenger of funkiness here on Earth.  We chose you to give birth to the son of BOB.”

“I think my husband’ll be jealous.  But, then again, losing it to God BOB is a great privilege.”

“Sorry honey, there’s no actual sex involved in this.  BOB can impregnate women at a distance; such is His manliness.”

“Oh, well…how long will this take?”

“It’s done, honey.  Remember, don’t give this kid a dopey name like Victor or Egbert.  His name’s Bob Jr.”

And so it was that Marilyn the Virgin became pregnant with the most holy seed of BOB.

A while later the same angel, wearing funky, purple-tinted sunglasses, appeared to Marilyn’s sister Liza.  The angel told Liza that she, too, was pregnant.  Liza was a down and out singer who was struggling to save her career.

The angel said unto her, “Hey, doll.  You’ve got one wild family now, you know that?  You, my dear, are now pregnant with a holy child:  Nohj the Bobist.”

Many miles away in the city of Raleigh, three wise air traffic controllers saw an unusual blip on their radar screens.  They thought that an uncharted plane might have crashed, so they located the blip and found it to be in Hazzard County.  They set off immediately, bearing gifts of Cheez Whiz, Cinnabons, and Kielbasa in case they had to feed an injured plane crew.  After three days and three nights (one for each of them), they reached Hazzard County and found the site of their unusual blip.

There, in a Sani-John, an infant lay swaddled in flannel.

“That’s not a plane,” One of the wise-men wisely noted.

“Ahem…” the chief wise-man said unto Marilyn.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“We are three wise men from the Raleigh National Airport.  We have come on a long journey, following The Unusual Blip. And here,” he gestured to the sky, where a neon blip glowed, “we have found The Unusual Blip.  We have brought gifts for you and your injured plane crew.”

The wise men gave unto the child of BOB the gifts for The Injured Plane Crew, then left abruptly because it was really an NTSB matter and they were operating way outside of their jurisdiction.

“Who the hell were they?” Norm belched.

And so the child grew to be a wonderfully cool and studly man.  He was baptized and tempted, and began to preach the word of BOB.  Now, at this time, Luke and his brother Bo were in the General, playing games with Sheriff Tony P. Caiaphas.  The Sheriff was a little upset that day…

“I’ll get them Duke boys!” Caiaphas screamed madly, chasing after them.  Then, suddenly, the Duke boys made a jump that Caiaphas had no hope of matching.  He spun through the air and smashed into a lake.  Remarkably, he was unscathed.

So the Duke boys were heading back to Uncle Zachariah’s house when a man stepped out into the road.  The man looked like a city-slicker, but the Duke boys stopped anyway.

“Whatcha need?” asked Luke.

“Come and follow me,” the man spoke, “and you shall be one hell of a lot cooler.”

The Duke boys shrugged, overwhelmed by this man’s coolness.  They allowed him to get in the General, and drove him to visit the masses.

The man introduced himself as Bob Jr, and spoke unto the Duke boys, making them realize their foolish ways.  Bob Jr said unto them, “Remove the country music from the radio,” and Luke quickly removed the tape and tossed it out the window.  Then Bob Jr reached forward and placed within the cassette player a real high quality tape.

The General made it down the back roads, blasting Hendrix and seeming to rock with overwhelming Bobliness.