Smokes

I read today that a Phillip Morris-backed study has managed to “engineer” one of the big cancer causing agents out of tobacco.The article was preoccupied with informing us that smoking is bad and, even with this new GM tobacco, everyone who smokes deserves to die.

I can see why journalists would take this attitude.First of all, the study itself is questionably funded.Secondly, it’s focused on only one of the 15 cancer-causing agents in tobacco.

But here’s the thing – the majority of those other 14 chemicals are added by the tobacco companies to enhance your pleasure, as the ads might say. Or to enhance the ability of that tumorous growth in your esophagus to devour your stomach, as the ads do not say.

So, if that’s the case, then smoking regular old tobacco would be fine, if you go with the Phillip Morris GM crop.Is that how it works?

I think the tobacco industry is lacking a true organic alternative and I don’t mean to point at the best portable dry herb vaporizer, although that is a candidate. I know there’s American Spirit, which is Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company. But they’re really owned by Reynolds, which is one of the top three tobacco giants. And Santa Fe Natural Company is first to admit that, no, they don’t do anything different with their cigarettes. See, it’s like book covers. There’s no such thing as a “bestseller” in the way they mean it. Same thing for all the propaganda on cigarettes. When confronted, a couple years ago, Santa Fe Natural had to tell the truth – yep. Reynolds cigarettes. Just put a new label on those Pall Mall’s and charge extra.

So a true organic company. That’s what I should start. I’ll grow the cancer-free GM tobacco, do all the whatever you do to it, then I’ll ship out the leaves as they are. You cut them up and roll your cigarettes yourself. By the way, I have no understanding as to how cigarettes are made and, in fact, could not identify a tobacco plant even if I was being chased through a field of tobacco by an angry, possessed scarecrow. Well…especially then.

But how will my non-addictive, non-cancer causing tobacco leaf industry pay off? What a stupid question! Who asked that? You, there in the red, get out.

Here’s the thing – everybody wants to smoke. If I provided guilt free cigarettes that caused no harm, people would be knocking my door down. I’d be like those two ladies here in DC who started up a cupcake shop and discovered something incredible – people like homemade cupcakes! Believe it or not. I also predict that people like brownies. I hate to go out there like that, but I learned long ago to listen to my hunches. (The two cupcake ladies have expressed surprise at their popularity in a recent article. Duh.)

I’m dying to smoke. If I live till 80, I’m going to start smoking multiple packs a day… But with cancer free tobacco, I can start right now. Then I, too, can be cool. I can go out on smoke breaks with all the pretty people, and I can learn how to talk like a 1940’s actor with a cigarette bobbing around in my mouth. I can lean against walls and look like I belong, I can spend hours beating on the pack to “settle” the tobacco much to the intense annoyance of everyone around me.

(By the way, smokers, please stop doing that.)

I can do that frantic sucking down multiple cigarettes thing while debating with my inferiors. You’re absolutely wrong, Tony, Obama is an Oreo!

I grew up watching One Day at a Time, so I hope I’m forgiven if I roll my cigarettes up in my sleeve like Schneider.

I’m sure that I’m not alone in these desires.Except for the idolization of Schneider.I know that’s wrong, but he’s the reason I wanted to become a handyman and, strangely, never make a pass at Mackenzie Phillips.That would be hard.Well, not today, because she’s, like, 150.But when she was TEEN MEAT (key search term for Google), she was… “nice,” as they say.Neat, even.

I could make One Day at a Time references all day.Probably because I don’t smoke… If I did, I’d be outside right now with the cool cats.One foot against the wall…

Hey, Nacho, you run those reports?

No, motherfucker, I’m smoking!

Amen, motherfucker.

Can I hear it?!

YES MOTHERFUCKER!

That’s how smokers talk. Oh, how I admire them.