Stop telling me to get out and vote

First of all, I’m addicted to voting. I think it’s important, I always vote, and I revel in the idea that my little vote is part of a grander, greater voice of potential revolution. At the local level, I vote against judges and council people I don’t fucking know out of pure spite. I write in whatever, I vote for the underdog. All because the whole process gives me a massive erection.

But the one thing I hate the most, come every election day, are the stupid motherfuckers on social media telling me to vote.

So, look, when Lady Gaga says go out and vote, she’s talking to 20 million people. Statistically speaking, she’s going to have an impact on somebody and sway their opinion. But if you’re just some Schmoe on social media, what do you think you’ll actually achieve with your fucking pompous “get out the vote” message? Who the fuck are you? I’m not going to follow you like some lemming you fucking tyrannical crypto-fascist! You have no power over me! Go eat a fucking dick!

First of all, in theory, the people following you are all like-minded individuals. So the best case scenario is that you’re simply preaching to the choir like a pedantic fuck and everyone is rolling their eyes at your idiot waste of words and give you a few indulgent “likes” because we’re all friends and we don’t want to hurt your feelings.

But, more likely, we’re all wondering who you’re talking to. It’s election day. Do you have friends who have decided not to vote? If so – fuck them. They’ve made up their minds. Quit trying to enforce your pathetic fucking will on everyone you overbearing cunt. Or do you think you’re talking to some nameless public like Lady Gaga? Do you think you’re a god? What sort of megalomaniacal lunatic do you think you are? Who’s going to listen to you? You posted a fucking selfie last week where you were shotgunning a can of PBR and now you’re all serious and saying “You’d better vote. Your country needs you.”

Jesus tittyfucking Christ.

I think what really burns me up is that the whole thing is just aping the celebrities. Most of the people who make the get out and vote posts are probably also the ones who stare in clueless horror at their ballots when they get to the hard stuff. They’re voting at the Presidential level and probably haven’t done one fucking second of research on their local leaders and amendments. America needs you! Vote Trump or Clinton! But when it comes to the local candidates who fucking drive highways through your house and tell your goddamned germ bag children what they can and can’t read, everyone’s like, duh, whatever.

Anyway. Sorry. But fuck you.