What’s wrong you idiots? Trump is the best possible thing that could happen to this country. We need him in the White House! Think about it – everyone in Congress will unite against him. His mere presence will dissolve the two party system and we’ll move into an era of egalitarian utopia as congressmen, senators, governors, and even your local postal worker unite into one beautiful, triumphant, and progressive Anti-Trump Party.

Yes, it will be embarrassing. The world will laugh at us… But, FYI, assholes, the world’s been laughing at us for years. We’re at the point where we could elect a My Little Pony doll and everyone out there in the world would just nod their heads knowingly, unsurprised.

So let’s all take a breath. Do you really think Trump would have any power? He’d be a virtual prisoner in the White House. Nobody in the government would side with him, and DC itself would rise up and surround the walls.

Now, if we had proper competition, I’d be singing a different song. But let’s look at our options:

Sanders is actually a comedian in disguise, which will eventually be revealed before he gets much further in his campaign.

Hillary is a liar who doesn’t know how to use the internet. Do we really want the access code to the nation’s nuclear reserve to be 1234?

Fucking Cruz gives me this Dead Zone feel. If you want to rally against someone, it should be this guy. Because if you people oust Trump, then there’s the very real possibility that Cruz will be the next president…and, trust me, Cruz will do and will be able to do all the things you’re afraid Trump will do. Congress will love Cruz, and Cruz wants nothing more than to destroy us with atomic fire.

Mark my words.

Now, as to the people who are surprised that Trump is running and has actually made it this far. Have you not had a history class? Ever? This is about the most American election you can get.

Anyway, blah. I guess what I’m trying to say is that you should all shut the fuck up because you’re retarded.

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