Boble III: The Two of Sam, part two
Chapter Two
“King Sawblade and His Merry Shepherd”
As the years passed Sammy learned from and became very close to BOB. He watched the news every night and soon decided that someone had to do away with the true inhabitants of the lands about Studly Town, a people known as the Flipizines (everyone just called them The Flip). The times were troubled.
Sammy had joined the court of a weak king who fell ill and ultimately lost the holy coconuts bearing the sixteen and a half commandments to the Flipizine hordes. The loss was catastrophic, for the Hebos had been routed in the field of battle and now the Flipizines threatened nuclear retaliation if the Hebo’s dared to counter-attack.
“Whatever did we do to them?” asked one of the king’s aids.
Sammy’s answer was simple. He was a prophet of BOB, so he could speak the truth: “We came to this land, decreed it the holy land, and threw the Flipizines out. We’re assholes. That’s what we did against them.”
“But we were here first!” the aid replied.
“Yeah,” Sammy replied, “And I guess it’s their fault for being on our land when we found it.”
“Damned indians.”
“Flipizines,”
“What? Oh…yeah.” The king’s aid closed his briefcase, shrugged sadly, and wandered off.
It was not long before the old king died and a small council held power until a new king could be elected. Many secret missions to the land of the Flipizines proved fruitless, for the Flips had hidden the coconuts in some unknown location. Without the coconuts, the Flips assumed that the Hebos could not survive. Of course, no Hebo followed the sixteen and a half commandments, and the coconuts had simply become a novelty item in the years since their creation. It was for that reason that BOB allowed his people to suffer so.
Finally, Sammy asked BOB for guidance.
In Bob Heavens (where the freshness of the sausage may well outlive the freshness of this story), BOB allowed Sammy to visit and rap a bit. The mortal had to be brought in blindfolded, of course, so that he may not bear witness to the awesome glories of Bob Heavens (where there is extra spicy sausage). Sammy was brought into the dining hall of BOB’s `Imperial’ palace, where the great and supreme being was waiting.
Now, just before Sammy left for Bob Heavens (where there is soviel sausage) the Flip had been repulsed during a small two-day war. We’re not going to take time to discuss the battle as no heads got blown off. Of course, plenty of ancient sub-humans got hacked to death, and that counts for something. But even then, a war between the Hebos and the Flips really lacks the pizzazz that every good history major looks for. It was the defeat of the Flip, however, that led the Hebos to peaceably request a king. Thus, when Sammy sat with BOB at the great dining table, this issue was raised.
“So you boys want a king…” BOB said, digging into a bowl of chili.
“The people feel the need for a leader…” Sammy replied.
“Is that their only problem?”
Sammy thought for a moment, “Well, actually O BOB, there’s the issue of health care reform which has been plaguing us for – “
“Well!” Bob laughed, “If your only problem is that you need a leader, then why shouldn’t I give you one!”
“Thank you, great BOB…”
“I know this little dickhead…goes by the name Sawblade. Herder, everyman, a real nationalist approach. A monarch who came from the people…it’s poetry in motion, baby – poetry in motion!” BOB barked at a red-headed angel and grabbed her breast as he crumbled crackers into his chili. “Take this dickhead on and teach him the ways of state, Sammy. Yer my balls behind the throne, big shot!” BOB threw his chili aside and shoved the red head onto the table. Dishes fell to the floor and shattered as BOB ripped her angelic clothes from her perfect body. He paused, looking up at Sammy, “You can go now,”
Attending angels wrapped a blindfold around Sammy’s eyes and dragged him forcibly from the hall.
So Sammy returned to the Holy Land, where he sought out young Sawblade. The Great Saw was anointed as king of all the Hebos and ruled in passable fashion. The people worshipped Saw, and BOB, and Sammy, and the guy known only as Will. It was Will who, according to ancient texts, was very liberal with the key to the soda machine.
When sacrifice time came around Sawblade was too lazy to go out back and get a pig. Instead, he rounded up three thousand Hebos and attempted to pass them off as three small goats. He was caught, and everyone thought less of him. However, this act was only a minor misdemeanor in temple politics, and Saw’s position was not harmed. But, sensing his wrong-doing, he begged BOB’s forgiveness. As punishment, one of his testicles shrunk. It was this act that made Saw terribly bitter. But he soon found the cure: he began to develop a fondness for little boys.
Thus it came to pass that a boy named Dil came upon the court. He had been hired to clean up the royal bird cage, but had quickly gotten the attention of King Saw who named this child, affectionately, “My Little Drummer Boy.” Saw brought the boy into the throne room and listened to him play the kazoo for hours, even during official meetings. Saw grew fat, and cruel, and molested Dil viciously with his limp penis, bony fist, and shrunken testicle. Thus it was not long before the people clamoured for a new king.
Oh, but that was some time in the future. Let’s dwell on the subject of child abuse, white slavery, and all the things which make suburban gossip so much fun. There was poor orphaned Dil, who had never known woman, and became dissatisfied with the fairer sex over the years. Dil saw this same trait in his father at an early age. His father had joined a “masculine cult,” the object to perfect oral sex within one’s own gender. Disgusted by these acts, Dil’s mother left with a latino “love god” and left Dil alone with his troubled psyche. His father soon became lost in the cult, vanishing one day in a train of camels. Dil became ward of the court.
In many ways, Sawblade reminded Dil of his father. The old, perverted king asked for the same things, forcing himself upon Dil night after night. It was the fisting that finally got to the Dil. The dreaded, “Boy, I just saw this movie from Holland…” which began to haunt Dil’s nights. Soon, as the young boy approached manhood, he became dissatisfied with his life. So, with the scars of a tormented youth, Dil wondered if one day BOB would look upon him.
“Oh BOB,” Dil prayed, “Have you forsaken me?”
Flash to Bob Heavens (where there is hetero, non-molested sausage):
BOB has been cornered by a pepperminty redheaded angel. She steps out of her night gown and shines her radiant beauty towards the great deity.
“You bitch, you’ll never get me…” BOB says softly.
The Redhead, letting her glorious hair fall about her creamy and perfect skin, brings a whip from behind her back. Her perfect breasts heave as she takes a deep breath, her lean body shining in the light of the lava lamps. “Get on your fucking knees slave…I want your tongue.”
BOB falls to his knees, “You bitch, I hate you.”
The redhead whips BOB brutally, “You’re mommy’s little girl now! Mommy’s fucking little girl!!”
BOB quivers with delight as the whip rains down on him.
Meanwhile, on Earth: The Hebos had grown fond of the ever persecuted Dil, and they began to demand that Dil be put on the throne instead of that “large effeminate man.” These protests angered Saw, and he began to punish Dil viciously so that the child would develop a severe complex and be unfit for the throne. Well, more of a complex than usual so that he would be more unfit for the throne. However, Dil was surviving such sexual abuse through the careful ministrations of a kindly beggar woman. She came to him on his thirteenth birthday, no doubt sent by BOB, and taught him the ways of watersports and fecal eating. As she resembled his long-missing mother, Dil eventually developed much more of a complex concerning women. The soon to be child-king eventually fled to the desert, where he raised a paramilitary force and stealthily began to organize a major military coup.