The Boble VII: Abe, Is-Ak & Joe

Tonight on The Boble:  Rape, abuse, homosexuality, racism, sodomy and religious absolutism.  I shall leave you as you left me.  As you left her. Marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet…buried alive…buried alive…

Chapter Six
“Never Mind The Camel Jockeys, It’s Abe, Is-Ak & Joe!”

Okay, so let’s try and gain some focus here.  It’s been a heck of a ride, and at this point things get even worse.  The Hebo tribe, led by Abrahamilton, settled down in the desert and began to act like decent Human beings. For a change.  After all, how could a people loyal to BOB continue on as nomadic hunter-gatherers?  To top the food chain, they had to develop DDT…then agriculture upon which to use DDT.  But now we enter into Enviro-fascism, and that’s another story. Eine Volks, Eine Reich, Eine Tree!  Regardless of agriculture and apparent sociological advances, the Hebos were still a very isolated tribe.  As a result, Abrahamilton was forced to take on many more wives in addition to Vinyl and the maid who birthed Male.  The genealogy is a little confusing and, if you study it long enough, it becomes clear that there was a considerable amount of inbreeding going on.  Or something.  In previous editions of the Boble, we’ve discussed Abrahamilton’s family tree with the assistance of a spreadsheet and a West Virginia family counselor.  In the Modern Era Comet Catastrophe edition, however, we’ve decided to take that page out.  Mainly to improve the flow of the Boble because people can get distracted by pointless, rambling paragraphs.  Like this one.  So I was watching the new Space: 1999 DVD’s the other day and it suddenly occurred to me that it was actually a pretty awful show.  Yet I couldn’t stop watching them… By the time I had watched 12 episodes, I totally became obsessed with Space 1999: The Next Generation.  I think Juliet Landau should take over her father’s role and act just like she does on Buffy.

Um… Oh, yes.  Abrahamilton had other wives and stuff.  What you need to know is that another son was born unto Abrahamilton, and that son was circumcised according to the great covenant.  At this point, Abrahamilton was nine trillion years old – a young man for the times.  He named his new son Is-Ak, and then he told Male to go away.  Male is important, of course, but Is-Ak is even more important.  Not just because he was the new baby, or better looking than his siblings, but simply because Abrahamilton was so fucking old it was a miracle he had another kid.  Is-Ak’s birth was BOB’s hand at work.  To some, this may be a punishment.  Hard to chase kids around with bad knees, don’t you know.  But whether blessing or curse, it had come from BOB, and therefore achieved a shady grey level between those two possibilities.

Vinyl had gone through much pain to have the child and it had nearly killed her.  Because of that, Abrahamilton loved and nurtured Is-Ak even more so.  He regarded Is-Ak as his favorite son, the light of the world, the only creature who fed his essence.  But it was time for the holocaust, which is the name for the persecution of the Jews under the Nazi regime in… Oh, no.  Wait a minute.  Yes, here it is: “A thorough destruction by fire, often ceremonial.”  Sorry about that.

This time around, BOB had decided to test Abrahamilton.  The old coot was a bit too addled to display love for BOB, so the young and powerful BOB decided that he needed physical and emotional proof of loyalty.  BOB was always young and powerful, so this was a recurring problem with aged followers of Bobism.  The young never “got” the old, even though the old could “jive” just as well.  BOB, being infinite, was only about 27 god-years old.  Whole universes had risen up and tumbled between Christmas and BOB’s 27th birthday, so this small number is multiplied by infinity in Human years.  Regardless, BOB maintained a somewhat youthful attitude.  He was in debt, for instance, and often had to force angels to perform temporary repairs on the Bobmobile.  Far be it for BOB to go to a mechanic.  (In later years, the Great One would create a religious office specifically for a mechanic.)  BOB also displayed an odd fascination with redheads that only the testosterone of youth could summon (and, ultimately, satiate).  For many millennia, it was necessary for all women to dye their hair red upon entering BOB Heavens (where the sausage has digressed from the story).  Lately, though, BOB keeps company with raven-haired beauties, but that’s probably just a passing thing.

“Take your son,” BOB said unto Abe, “and cook him in a pressure cooker.  Then eat him with little bits of anchovies.” BOB was attempting to be funny, of course, as he was fully aware of Abrahamilton’s love for the child. (Omniscient humour, it’s tough stuff to write about.)   Abe, however, tended to take things literally.  It took three days for Abe and Is-Ak to journey to the appropriate sacrificial area.  Once they arrived, Abe made Is-Ak carry the Instalight logs which would be used for the holocaust.  It almost looked like a cross was upon Is-Ak’s shoul­ders, but that would be such obvious foreshadowing that it borders on frivolity.

Once they came to the spot of sacrifice, Abe knocked Is-Ak on the head and forced his son to the ground.  After sodomizing the boy one last time, Abe jammed the poor child into a pressure cooker and let the heat of the brilliant sun slowly cook Is-Ak alive.  Abe watched through the little window as his son clawed and screamed.  He found it erotic, in some way, and reminded himself to force his sexual will upon Vinyl when he returned home.

In the eighteenth hour of the holocaust, a messenger came from BOB and approached Abe.  “What are you doing?” the messenger asked, stunned by the horror taking place.

“Obeying BOB’s command.” Abe answered simply, that crazed look in his eyes causing the messenger-angel to shudder slightly.

The messenger thought about this for a few moments before replying.  “Okay… Um, in that case, were you going to eat the boy with anchovies?”

“I can’t bring myself to eat ancho­vies.”

“Very good,” the messenger replied, “only servants of False Rob – the Eternal Freshman – eat anchovies.  You have passed the test; blessed be you.  Now… maybe you should let the boy out before he dies.”

“I cracked the window…” Abe said slowly, methodically, his eyes glazed and mindless.

The angel smiled uncomfortably, “Okay… Right.  Well, I’ll be going now.  Nice – uh – talking with you…”

Abe did let Is-Ak out of the cooker eventually, during a brief moment of lucidity.

Is-Ak, then, continued to live with his father until old Abrahamilton died.  Male, Is-Ak’s brother, went on to create the twelve tribes of Hebos and build a tremendous community.  But Male was a poor politician, and the twelve tribes scattered across the globe after a fairly small misunderstanding.  So we’ll just skip over that embarrassment.  Likewise, Is-Ak’s life and marriage – while of holy importance – are inconsequential in narrative terms up to the point of the birth of Jake.  Now, Jake and Is-Ak are the real patriarchs of the Hebos.  From their over-ripe loins would spring the entire Hebo race. Well… a lot of it.  Abrahami­lton humped what he could, but these two would put him to shame.

Jake, son of Is-Ak, was a deceiver.  He did many bad things and hated his new step-mother. Is-Ak had freaked out later in life and had gone native. He had married a black lesbian and this truly upset the family.

BOB wasn’t really disturbed by this, though.  But he did take every chance he could to make fun of lesbians, usually to an audience of female angels… They received the jokes coolly, but BOB never seemed to notice.

So the whole strange parental issue thing explains the erratic behavior of Jake.  When Is-Ak was an ancient, Jake decided to take full advantage of the old man.  This, Jake thought, would please BOB.  But BOB had stopped paying attention a few years ago and was preoccupied with avoiding False Rob’s phone calls.  Unaware of such things, Jake continued on his course of treachery.  Is-Ak had had another son, Ecodmante­nde.  This son was straight from the fetid womb of the black lesbian.

Is-Ak, blind in his old age, was too addled to tell the difference between his two sons.  If Is-Ak himself were black, the solution would be simple: One son had soul, and the other son only had soul when he was driving a vintage Volkswagen.  Since Is-Ak was Whytie, however, it was difficult for him to tell much of anything about the world around him. Jake’s deception was flawless.  He received Is-Ak’s blessing and became ruler over the house of Is-Ak.  This upset Ecodmantende, but Jake had him sold to a merchant from the America’s, and that effectively solved the problem.

Jake’s illustrious career can be found in Volume Seven of Who’s Who In The World of Hebo Profiteers, and bears little importance on the world of BOB.  His ultimate gift to the Bobological world was Joe, his meek and somewhat inadequate son.  And we’ll get to meet him next time.

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