Thou Shalt Not Kill That Zombie
So my good friend, who has a movie coming out soon, has turned his wife into Helena, the Hussy of Horror. Originally intended for some Horrorfest thing, here’s the first episode via youtube, which is where people on the internet like to go, apparently.
They didn’t win whatever the Horrorfest thing was because, really, the people behind all that stuff are morons. So, instead, they’ve turned it into a little thing. Here’s the second episode, which is an intro for Deadlands part 2.
Which Commandment is “don’t covet thy neighbor’s wife”? It’s the seventh, right? Until I know for sure, I’ll continue to do it.
Actually, I do know for sure. It’s the tenth, officially. I’m not to covet my friend’s wife. Or his ox. Or donkey. Or slaves of any gender. Or anything, actually. I’m not to covet my neighbor’s anything. It’s the most desperate Commandment there is. In the Talmud it reads as such:
You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.
Jesus… Re-fucking-lax, would you?
The Commandments are all over the place, really. We’ll go by the Jews because it’s their shit in the first place so, presumably, they know what the fuck is what. Number one is the “I am the Lord your God” part. This is considered the “preface” by the Anglicans and only a small part of the First Commandment by the Catholics (who are all following a guy who said fuck that shit, listen to the Beatitudes instead).
How is “I am the Lord your God” a Commandment? It’s more of a declaration, really. There’s no Commandment there. I walk around all day saying that I am the Lord your God, but I don’t actually expect shit from that. For an ego the size of fucking Yahweh, that’s just “hello.”
Good morning, Jehovah!
I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD!!!!
There’s just a bit of coffee left. I don’t know if you do milk…?
ARKS! BUILD ARKS!! RAAAIN! AH! BURN BUSHES!
Your psychiatric appointment is in 45 minutes, so…am I driving…?
Number two, for the Jews: You shall have no other gods before me.
Perfect. There’s a Commandment. We’re still with the first one if you’re Catholic. We’ve just hit the first one for the Brits.
You shall not make for yourself an idol.
Still at number two for everybody except the Papist running-dogs, who are sitting at number one. And another good Commandment. Also the first one broken by Mankind, FYI. Especially defeating for the Catholics, because, according to them, we fucked up before we left the gate. Breaking the second Commandment sounds better than breaking the first, no?
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God.
Number three for everyone, but the Papal lackeys are one behind from now on. This is the whole don’t take the goddamned Lord’s name in fucking vain. Which doesn’t mean much. Don’t say the Lord’s name if…it’s a futile effort to call on him? Is God admitting, there, that he can’t help us? It’s futile to pray to me? There will be no effect if you do. There is no value in saying my name?
I’m just defining “vain” here. Most dictionaries go ahead and include the Biblical definition related to the Commandment but, really, it’s a Commandment that subtly undermines God in every way. Don’t pray to me. I’m a fuck-up.
I hear that, bitch.
Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.
Commandment four stroke three. Whatever the fuck the Sabbath is. I’ve been working retail since I was 15, so the “Sabbath” is just the time I have to drag my ass to work and smile at all of you dirty, fucking motherfuckers.
Nobody knows when the Sabbath is. Let’s go to Merriam-Webster for the definition (which is roughly equivalent to asking Hitler): “1 a: the seventh day of the week observed from Friday evening to Saturday evening as a day of rest and worship by Jews and some Christians.”
“1 b: Sunday observed among Christians as a day of rest and worship.”
Honor your father and mother.
But only after they stop raping and beating you.
You shall not murder.
Or, if you’re Catholic, it’s the more Buddhist “You shall not kill.”
The Catholics are great for that. Newsflash: A thousand years of Crusading is…uh…killing. See, “murder” makes much more sense. So the original Commandment reads: you shall not do this crime. The Catholics go and fuck it up, and then break it instantly. You had a good thing going, assholes. War is not murder. Everyone agrees with that.
(Actually, the Catholics were pretty good until Pope Urban II got a bee in his bonnet, eh?)
You shall not commit adultery.
This one is fine, still holds true. Right up there with Jewish number eight: You shall not steal. Amen.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Does God live in a bad neighborhood or something? Because three of the Ten Commandments are about respecting your neighbor. I can see God with Moses right now:
“Tell them not to be like FUCKING FRED from next door! I swear to me…” *Godfist Shake.*
The false witness thing is God telling us to be supportive of our neighbors. Which is naïve and insane because, really, fuck my neighbors. I hope they choke to death on whatever sex toys they stuff down their mouths in their foul pits of filth.
And back to number ten… Stop lusting after Helena, the Hussy of Horror, because she’s married to my good friend. But do go vote on her Youtube whatever things. Or you can email her at Helena@HussyofHorror.com, and she’ll respond in character…which was actually somewhat confusing for me. But, you don’t know her, so it’ll be cool.
(Also, when their movie finally the fuck comes out, I’ll review it on this here Blog of Earthly Delights, and it’ll be a glowing review because I owe them money.)