Archive Saturday: Climate Change
Archive Saturday returns. This is from my old “Yesterday’s
Weather” spot on dirtyfreaks.com. I wrote all of these in 10
minutes or less and you can tell!
Coral is Record of Climate Change, Researchers Say
Milo C. Otisman, roving Appalachian reporter.
The Gleason Mount Diner sits four miles off of I-68 in Flintstone,
Maryland. It is a favorite rest stop for truckers and travelers in the
know, and the blue plates are hoppin’ every Sunday after church.
Gleason Mount is a Mountain View diner, assembled in Oakland, NJ in
1953 and shipped to its current resting place in 1955. It’s seen storm,
fire and adventure. It’s watched the construction of the interstates
and, through it all, it’s stood as a local landmark. Cherished by
travelers and locals alike, Gleason Mount is famous for its
crumble-crust hot apple pie and meat loaf, with a steaming dollop of
Doris Gleason’s cloud-like mashed potatoes on the side.
Most important of all, Gleason Mount is home to Miss Coral. Miss Coral
received her typing degree from Frostburg Secretarial School in 1957
and took a job waitressing at the Gleason Mount for the summer. She
never left.
Scientists have flocked to Gleason Mount in recent months after a new
report showed that Miss Coral was an important record of climate change
in the last half of the 20th century. Researchers say that current
findings could help us better predict future climate changes due to
Miss Coral’s keen observation of weather patterns.
Armed with over 1000 samples of Miss Corals wisdom, dutifully recorded
in her daily “Weather Almanac,” researchers were able to trace weather
patterns back 112 years and accurately predict the next 14 years worth
of crop yields and human fertility cycles.
Data also revealed a 13 year cycle in which the light from the autumnal
equinox passed over an Indian hieroglyph carved some 2000 years ago and
located 13 miles outside of Flintstone. Miss Coral believes that if a
woman conceives a child beneath this stone at a specific time then the
child’s sex will be male.
Climate researchers had previously visited Miss Coral in the hopes of
finding patterns in the 3 to 7 year cycle called El Nino, but to no
avail.
“I don’t know nuthin’ ’bout no Mexican lady. But I do know that them
storms come fierce – yessirree – fierce and cold if you be turnin’ your
face from God now, ya hear?”
Researchers agree that Miss Coral’s weather wisdom may provide more important answers to the changing world of global climate.
“This new, highly accurate Coral record shows that there are processes
that connect weather on time scales longer than El Niño,” said Chas
Newman, a distinguished geology professor who first discovered Miss
Coral in 1972 while on his way to Morgantown, West Virginia. “The
findings from Coral are vital for long-range forecasting and
predictability.”
While the current presidential administration has forbidden scientists
to research the wisdom of Miss Coral in relation to global warming, a
rogue team of young researchers at the University of Maryland has made
an informal study.
“They were brilliant,” said faculty chair Edna Galbraith of the UMD
College Park campus. “There were eight of them in the beginning, and
they first began to study the evidence of global warming in Coral’s
records several years ago. When Bush was elected, however, and the
government ban on global warming meetings went into effect, things
looked grim. But those dear hearts continued their research in secret.
Then, one by one, they began to vanish. Their leader, senior Ken
McDonnell, reappeared a week later. He told me that he ‘Loved the
Visitors’ and that he felt the ‘Imperious Leader was fair and kind.’ He
was also using his left hand instead of his right hand, which was odd,
and he kept cursing the other rebel scientists. He also had frequent
dinners with Diana, the second in command of the mothership hovering
above Los Angeles.”
Coral’s Weather Almanac:
February 12th, 1965: Gona be dem big uns. Storm a-coming and I can feel it in my leg!
June 14th, 1972: Dat wind is callin. The wind be gone through straight and narrow, just whip them all away – see if it don’t!
November 27th, 1980: There be rain, rain. Nothin but dat cold rain come on down.
March 5th, 1985: I ain’t never see no storm this hard before. It late
for snow, but that snow come anyway. You can’t say no to God and snow.
May 12th, 1994: The new city’s stars have aligned. It will fall in
flames, and speak with the dragon. The shadow will walk the earth and
the prince of the east will shake hands with the bear.
Kids Korner: Where is the Tropical Pacific Ocean?
Hello kids and welcome to Yesterday’s Weather. Today’s question: Where is the tropical Pacific Ocean?
The tropical Pacific Ocean is located between the Tropic of Cancer and the Tropic of Capricorn. There you go!
Next time on kid’s korner: Where are the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn?
Oh, I can’t fool you! They’re on opposite ends of the tropical Pacific Ocean!