Archive Saturday: America’s Killer

It’s archive Saturday, where I print crap from years ago.

You know, I really liked all this weather stuff from my old webpage.  But everyone’s like blah blah blah, you’re stupid.

America’s Underrated Killer

It’s summertime – and that means one thing: Death by Lightning. As your
children play in their innocent, naïve little fantasy worlds, as your
beloved husband rides home, his cock clenched between his secretary’s
teeth, and as you garden in the back yard like a good little slave,
lightning is waiting to strike. At any moment, a brilliant white flash
could interrupt your life. When and if you wake up, you’ll be a
gibbering vegetable burned beyond recognition.

Lightning is America’s number one killer – nearly 73 people a year are
killed by lightning strikes. Now, I know what you’re thinking. In the
last year, cancer killed thousands, car accidents killed tens of
thousands, 100,000 alone died of violence in our schools. But none of
that matters. In 1803, the law went on the books saying that lightning
was America’s number one killer, and there it stays. Nobody has thought
to repeal it, and that’s why the Lightning Avoidance Research Center
(LARC) continues to receive the lion’s share of government funding.

In cooperation with the LARC, Yesterday’s Weather is proud to present
this important public service announcement: How to avoid lightning.
Even though more people die a year by choking on Susan B. Anthony
dollars, lighting remains “America’s underrated killer.”

“Lightning death statistics are startling,” said Mediate de Mediate, a
four-time Professional Golfing Association (PGA) TOUR (tour) champion.
He is joining the PGA (Professional Golfing Association) and NOAA
(Native Of Active Adirondack) to raise awareness about lightning
dangers and safety. “Whether you’re a golfer, or someone who just
enjoys being outdoors, we can all guard against being hit. Education
and preparation are key,” said Mediate. “When you see a bolt of
lightning headed towards you, run South Southeast and do not look back.
Never look back. There will only be chaos.”

The 73 people who die annually from lightning strikes didn’t run fast
enough. They may have even looked back. If the lightning didn’t take
them, then the madness of what they saw destroyed them within three
months. While lightning casualties occur year around, they peak in the
summer and, especially, during Goldenrod season. But, experts say,
there’s more to be concerned about than death. Ninety percent of
lightning strike victims survive the ordeal. These ruined husks of men
moan and cry out in strange tongues. They draw pictures of warriors
dancing from the lightning bolts, and mutter fantastical tales about
the “Queen of Chaos.” Once a year, usually during the Autumn Equinox,
they imagine themselves able to communicate with the dead and have a
tendency to bite off the faces of nurses.

Those who did not look back but, instead, were simply poor runners,
suffer extreme mental and physical problems. “The most damaging
consequences of a lightning strike are seen in the lives of the
survivors,” said Dr. Mediate de Mediate, director of the Lightning
Injury Research Program (LIRP) at the University of Illinois at Chicago
(UI-Chicago). “Many survivors must re-learn basic motor skills.”

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Lightning Avoidance Techniques:

If a thunderstorm threatens, go quickly inside a completely enclosed
building, not a carport, open garage or covered patio. If no enclosed
building is convenient, get inside a hard-topped all-metal vehicle. If
that is not available, burrow three feet beneath the earth and, if a
deep voice from all around you asks you questions, always reply, “I am
a grub.” Unless the voice asks if you are a god. Then answer “Yes, I
am.” Then be vague if further inquiries about your godhood are pressed.

Lightning is an electrical discharge produced to balance the
differences between positive and negative charges within a cloud,
between two clouds, or between the cloud and the ground. Just so you
know what’s killing you.

Lightning is more likely to strike certain areas of the country, such as Detroit.

Lightning always accompanies thunderstorms, so your first line of
defense is to keep an eye and ear to the sky. Occasional “Swamp
Lightning” may leap up and crawl down your chimney without warning, but
it rarely results in death. Though any infant children in the house
will be replaced by 10 foot green beasts demanding virgin blood. Also,
some mystical Chinese warriors are able to conjure lightning from thin
air. But if you’re face to face with one of those guys, the lightning
will be the least of your worries.