The Boble II: Dick and Candi
Here we meet the Evil Bishop, who was the vice principal at my high school. Blue and gold were our team colors. False Rob is also mentioned for the first time — the Devil in The Boble.
Last Week on “The Boble”:
BOB created the universe and Man. He charged man with the task of naming the plants and the beasts of Paradise. And all this before Buffy, The Vampire Slayer came on!
After a brief sexual interlude, Man set to naming the plants and beasts of Paradise. Meanwhile, the last Battlestar, Galactica, led a… Hold on. That’s all wrong. Ah yes, here it is –
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Man’s List
Scientifically researched by Man
Things that do not move:
1) Trees
2) Green Things
3) Prickly Things (see entry on Green Things)
4) Little Things (apparently left by the trees – come back to this connection. Could have something to do with little elves that tried to attack me after I drank that stagnant water.)
5) Black Stuff Everything Grows In
6) Hard Things (apparently sedimentary deposits, with some metamorphic and volcanic veins found in the mountains above the garden. I’ve yet to find a suitable name.)
Things That Do Move
1) Me (bad start, but a philosophical point must be made! I move, therefore I am).
2) Things in Sky
3) Things With Large Teeth (some ran away and others put up a fight. It seemed the proper thing that I hunt as many down as I could and bash in their brains.)
4) Angry Growling Thing (after the hunt, I was approached by a different species who fancied a bit of revenge)
5) Happy Fuzzy Thing (I spared the life of this creature as it was friendly, and damn cute)
6) “Crawlies”
7) Loud Irritable Thing (well, this one wasn’t loud until I trapped it and put it in a cage).
Man completed his list and then spent the next few days naming different parts of water. The entries were bland, at best, as water’s single-most definition is ‘wet’. However, the final entry on Man’s report concerning water is what interested the technical angels looking over him the most. It read: “Blue, wet part with shimmering naked crazy chick waving back at me.” The always-alert technical angels rushed Man’s report to BOB. They were not only concerned about Man’s mental well being, but also for his safety. Occasional delusions were not uncommon in the world of BOB, as the Great God himself was often prone to dementia. But if one saw naked women beckoning one into the deep end of the pool, well, something would just have to be done!
When given this information, BOB suspected that Man might be growing bored, as well as slightly obsessive. But what to do? It took three bottles of Cabernet, four pints of McEwans, and two tumblers of whiskey before BOB came upon a brilliant idea – Woman! BOB then slipped into the garden under darkness and hit Man over the head. With Man conveniently unconscious, BOB liberated a dishpan from some unknown source and placed it on the ground. He undid his zipper and let loose his all mighty love instrument, then he urinated upon the dishpan. Thus, Woman was born!
“Your name is Candi,” BOB said unto Woman. “Do nifty things and make Man feel good.”
“What about me?” Candi asked.
BOB paused, glanced sideways at Candi, and asked “What about you?”
“What makes me feel good, O Creator?”
BOB smiled, “You won’t have to worry about that for thousands of years.”
Candi grinned sheepishly, “Well, that’s a relief…right? I…I’m not…”
“No more questions!” BOB snapped his fingers and looked away, his arms raised in the air. “Gotta go!”
And with that, BOB left.
In the days that followed, Candi and Man – who became known as Dick – enjoyed yoghurt baths and had 492 children (not all at once, of course, and Candi was the only one who actually had them).
Then, one day, Candi was walking across the garden when she found herself standing before the Tree of Eternal Hemorrhaging. She looked up and beheld a great serpent with colors of blue and gold. The shimmering beauty of this serpent entranced her.
“Hey, babe!” cried out the serpent. “I’m the Evil Bishop!”
“I get that one all the time,” Candi replied.
“No!” the serpent hissed, “The Evil Bishop. You’ve heard of me.”
Candi thought a moment, searching her pretty little red head for information. “Sorry, O Serpent, I don’t know you from Adam.”
“Adam?” the serpent asked.
“Not so loud,” Candi muttered out of the side of her mouth, glancing nervously back at the camp she and Dick had set up.
“Oh, the bloke down the street.” the serpent grinned.
Candi nodded. “Everything has to be a competition between these men. Bigger gardens, better tools, more sacred Sacred Trees. It’s a joke. What’s a tempestuous and strikingly beautiful redheaded model of a woman like myself to do but fuck everybody in the neighborhood?”
“And does that make you feel good?” the serpent asked.
Candi gasped, “There it is again! No, it doesn’t. Nothing makes me feel good. Isn’t that weird?”
The serpent thought for a moment. “Well, no. Not really. But maybe you’d be happier if you were a bit more, well, chaste.”
“Oh sure,” Candi rolled her eyes, “Whatever.”
The Evil Bishop cocked his triangular head, “You come off as a vain bitch. You don’t think that’s a terrible thing?”
Candi shrugged, “’Sticks and stones’ little snake. At least I have a spine.”
The Evil Bishop flicked its tongue out once then spoke again. “Well, regardless of your personality, I’m still here to see you. You see, I’m the servant of False Rob, the Eternal Freshman.”
“Freshman?” Candi asked.
“Yes,” the Evil Bishop replied, “once a great angel, he was cast out of Bob Heavens – where there is not egalitarian sausage – and doomed to live his immortal existence as a High School Freshman.”
“Sounds awful.”
“It is. Anyway, in the process, False Rob decided to become the AntiBOB.”
“So he’s evil?”
The serpent cocked its head, “Now that’s a matter of opinion, I should think.”
“So you’re not actually this False Rob, then?” Candi asked timidly.
“No. I’ve… said that already.”
“So are you another fallen angel?”
The Evil Bishop laughed, “Oh no, no. Not me. I’m just a school administrator.”
“What is it, then, that you want, O puppet-demon of the worthless High School Freshman?”
“To tempt you into oblivion.”
Candi cleared her throat. “Pardon?”
“Sorry, did I say that out loud? What I meant to say, in my own little way, is that I want you to try something for me.” The serpent looked Candi up and down, “But first, maybe we should get to know each other a little better.”
“I spread for no snake.”
“You’ll never believe what these scales can do…”
“Cut to the chase!”
The Evil Bishop laughed. “Fine, forget about all the sex stuff then. Though being the servant of a Freshman does involve a definite lack of sex… Perhaps if I didn’t look like I needed it so much…if I wasn’t so desperate,” the serpent turned away sadly, “I am an idiot aren’t I? And idiots don’t need sex, Candi. Unless they drive a fancy car and have lots of muscles,” he turned quickly towards Candi. “But where are guys like that after they turn 30? Fat! Bloated monsters with illegitimate kids, a Trans-Am with a burnt out clutch and an addiction to Tylenol-3! Oh no… I don’t even want to think about sex! What I really want is for you to eat this pear…” Hiss.
Candi raised an eyebrow and examined the pear. “Why?”
“Taste test.” If snakes could smile, the Evil Bishop would have done so.
“Hmmm…”
“Survey for a popular newspaper…?” the serpent said with his best salesman voice.
“Well…” Candi examined the fruit. “It wouldn’t happen to be from the Sacred Tree, would it?”
“Sacred Tree?” The Evil Bishop looked around in mock confusion. “Just because I’m twisted around the Sacred Tree with all this fruit, you assume this pear is from the Tree? I expected more than loose stereotyping from you. Come on babe! Try it out… It’ll make you feel good, hmm? First one’s free…share it with your friends…”
“But BOB said – “
The Evil Bishop laughed. “Do you see BOB here? No! He’s up in Blob Heartburn sucking on sausages!” The Bishop glanced around nervously as a few bolts of lightning lit up the sky. “Anyway, don’t you have free choice?”
“Well…only if we eat from the Sacred Tree. Free choice is our punishment – loss of innocence, knowledge of evil…that sort of stuff.”
The Evil Bishop thought on this a moment, “But you can freely choose whether or not to eat from the Tree?”
“Yes.”
“So…you already have free choice? Right?”
Candi bit her thumb, then nodded.
“And you know the tree is Evil?”
“Uh-huh.”
“So, you already have knowledge of Evil?”
“Okay…”
The Evil Bishop nodded, “Then I see no choice but for you to take this pear and eat it.”
“Well…I guess you have a point there.” Candi grabbed the pear and took a bite, “Mmmm!!” Her full, pert lips made the Evil Bishop shudder.
Suddenly, in a puff of naive smoke, Candi found herself garbed in a leather and rubber outfit. In her hand was a whip, and beside her lay a collection of sexual instruments that would make even the most demented Freshman cringe (or quiver with excitement).
Thus it was Woman who first defiled the world. It was Woman that first created sin, which explains why women are cursed with their ‘little problems’ and men are free to be completely irresponsible. Evil, vile, terrible…and yet amazingly attractive Woman went unto Dick and said:
“So, Dick…” she stressed his name in a way the Dickman had never heard before. But he understood.
Dick stopped in his tracks (he was collecting rocks with the idea of building an outdoor fireplace) and took in the lovely image before him. He stared at the remarkably transformed Candi. “You gone lesbian or something?” he asked.
She smiled, then pursed her lips and winked. “Dickman, I think I’ve been naughty. I think I need a spanking.”
Dick dropped the rocks he had been holding, sweat breaking out all over his body as he took in the skin, leather, rubber and chains of the New Candi. “BOBdamn, bitch, I’ll spank you all night…” he took a step forward, but she stopped him with her whip.
“Do you really want me?” Candi purred.
The Dickman smiled, enjoying this little game. He leaned in as close as Candi would let him “I want to do you so hard that your grandmother has an orgasm.”
Candi grew red with rage at the mention of her enfeebled grandmother (whom Dick had molested once before) and balled up her delicate fist.
Dick, seeing the immediate danger, was quick to stand up and confront her, “Look you red-headed psycho-bitch! What the-”
Candi lunged at Dick. In a marvelous fight that Arabian countries would never witness, Candi attacked and suppressed Dick, and then she had her wicked ways with him.
(Unidentified pilot, you are in a no-fly zone, baby.)
Dick cried ‘rape’, but that hardly matters when a guy says it. Oh no. It was too late anyway – he couldn’t yell for long because his face was soon buried in the red heaven of Candi’s sweet, peppermint-flavored –
(Pornography? In the holy book of BOB? Surrender your tank!)
And so Woman corrupted Man with her perverse, yet somehow intoxicating, sexual deeds. Thus BOB decided to banish them from the garden and force them to live in a cave and work for the government. And BOB also disconnected their cable, so great was his wrath!
“Well, cable’s outmoded anyway.” BOB said in a recent interview. “I mean, the whole she-bang’s gonna be replaced by satellite and fiber-optics and crap like that in five years so why worry? Besides, I gave them a membership to the local video store. How could I deny that sweet little red-headed bitch?”
“But cable TV was the only thing that kept them sane, O BOB.” The interviewer pointed out.
BOB replied very simply. “Cable can suck me. He was a dweeb and she was a hose hound, they didn’t deserve it. Besides, who did the creating, huh? Yeah…I thought so.”
In the end, of course, Candi noticed that Dick could supply mild pleasure every once in a while and it wasn’t long before they ended up with two kids who were destined for the psychiatrist’s office…
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For those of you who do like pornography, Candi’s sweet, peppermint flavored Holy Land was a haven to many engorged love pistons in her time. She was pumped and blasted and speckled like the wall behind the coffee machine. She achieved her peppermint goodness by eating a large quantity of peppermint chocolate at the office… But, often, she would find herself in the middle of a snack when one of the janitors would come up from behind and bend her over the counter. He would lift up her flimsy summer dress with the hook that had replaced his left hand after the war, then he would dork Candi into moaning oblivion. Finally, the janitor would loose his club-like manservant upon Candi’s sweet tunnel of Jell-O, and he would plow her fields so deep that it’s a wonder he didn’t interfere with her digestive process! After two hours of kidney-shifting action in the tearoom, Candi would burst in a violent, screaming epiphany! The janitor, himself about to realize the shape of the universe, would pull out and let fly an incredible stream of creative fluids across Candi’s anxious face. Then the nameless janitor, who had a patch riveted over his right eye, would leave the thoroughly spent Candi panting on the tearoom floor.
There. I think I found a new talent.
Fleeing the Cylon tyranny… Wait, I did it again. Here we go: Next time on “The Boble”: Brotherly Love, Questionable Pursuits, and a whole lot of begetting