The Boble: Title Pages
Right, so, I’m finally getting around to posting The Boble. Remember when I promised that?
Below are the “title pages,” which were last edited in 2002. Like the Sunday Archive articles, I’ve decided not to do any further editing to the Boble. Consequently, you’ll be reading stuff from 97 (the last major edit of the entire Boble) to 02 (when the Old Testicle was last corrected). The first five books of the Old Testicle were written in 1988-1991. So “Boble Wednesdays” will be a bad experience for all of us.
THE MOST HOLY BOBLE
translated from the original languages with critical use of mind-altering devices by:
The High Prophet Werdna
The Bobologists and Bobologians
The First Church of God BOB Scientist
The Boble is a work intended to bring the word of BOB into daily life and to challenge organized religion. The difficulty you may find when reading this work may be due to a personal problem that we are unable to address. Take two prozac and call us when you wake up. Other translation problems may stem directly from the inability to comprehend the dead language with which portions of this Boble were originally written. We, at the First Church, only know three foreign phrases: ‘Where is the bathroom?’ in Cantonese; ‘Surrender your tank!’ in Russian; and ‘Unidentified plane, you are in a no-fly zone!’ in Arabic. Therefore, when approached with the ancient languages of the Bobological scrolls, we were in a quandary. In order to meet our deadline, we fudged a little bit on the content and created many of the episodes contained herein based on the psychic impressions received by Brenda at The Psychic Connection ™. Then we smacked her around when she threatened to charge us extra. Well, that’s what we said we would do before she chased us away with an iron pipe.
* * * *
The Boble is a work based on fact. However, the incidents, characters, and circumstances have all been changed to protect the innocent.
Copyright (c) 1993, 1998, und eins mehr in Y2K
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission of the author. Failure to honour this request will earn you great disfavor when the revolution comes.
No animals were harmed during the editing of this Boble.
Published by Purple Publications U.S.
Purple Publications Copyright (c) 1991
Printed in the Vile United States of Love
From “Archaeological Adventures with Doctor Aquarius: Nazi Sympathiser” printed in Girl’s Hopscotch Quarterly
In 1988, a holy artifact was uncovered near the Red Sea by Doctor Herman ‘The Hedgehog’ Aquarius Ph.D. (a roving archaeologist/gynaecologist). Doctor Aquarius was a renowned expert on the occult and was hired by Argentina-based Nazi’s to locate the fabled Lazy Susan that was present during Christ’s alleged ‘Last Supper’. Doctor Aquarius’ search for the Lazy Susan led him into tombs that had been untouched for millennia. It was there that he found evidence that would, ultimately, tear the Christian world apart. He recovered an artifact that, along with subsequent discoveries, shed light on a religion that had led to the creation of Christianity.
Rusty and decayed, the artifact was pieced together by French people claiming to be scientists who pieced things together. It turned out to be a large paperclip, and Doctor Aquarius believed that it was used to hold stone tablets together. Through various incomprehensible dating techniques, the paperclip was traced back to 2000 BC. Doctor Aquarius had discovered one of the three Lost Paperclips of BOB, hidden in a tomb for nearly four thousand years. They had been used to fasten the tablets upon which were inscribed the Seventeen and a Half Commandments – the foundation for the Bobological world.
Scientists swarmed over the site that Doctor Aquarius had found. They worked night and day excavating the tomb and discovered a number of scrolls. Translated, the scrolls told a tale similar to the Christian Bible. We learned of a God whose name was BOB. A God that was both studly and cool. Related documents told us of the rise of Bobism – put down by Christian monks wielding poultry (at least, that’s what it looked like in the pictographs). We learned of the Hebo tribe and Bob Jr. – the son of BOB – as well as the Three Holy Paperclips, the purple-reflective sunglasses, the green boots of Bobette, and hundreds of other fun facts. The scientists also found a bag of amusing party favours that were all quickly broken.
Sadly, Doctor Aquarius was killed in a flashfire while crawling down his chimney. But, in his memory, all copies of the Boble have been dedicated to him: WE DEDICATE THIS TO DR HEDGEHOG AQUARIUS…AND…YEAH
Jewish automobiles have, sadly, destroyed the ‘Kilroy-wuz-here’ drawings on the tomb where these precious documents were discovered. We ask you to boycott anything Jewish with four wheels. Thank you.
Before we begin, it is necessary to mention those who have assisted in the creation of this Boble. The names that follow are in no particular order of importance:
Werdna (Editor; Prophet; Disciple of BOB)
Minister-To-The-Heathen-Lands Zosish (Founder – Englacian Church; loyal disciple)
Sarah (The New Consort)
Doctor Director Sir Lu Fun Tang, MCSE (Doctor of Bobology, Odd Fellow, SPD, Bevan Commandant Second Class Sausage Retrieval Unit)
Propaganda Minister Nodge (Editor: “The Goebbels Of The Future”)
Nasoj (First Archbishop of Cranberries; claims to have never tucked his penis between his legs and pretended to be a woman)
Hapless the Televangelist
Pope Flip IV The Secretor
The Mechanic/Avatar of BOB
The Mysteriously Reclusive Archbishop Stokes (Englacian Church)
All clergy of BOB
The Krylon Underground Magazine
John’s bug (sometimes we’re in a wind machine)
And the hierarchy of the united Churches of BOB
We would also like to thank Alex because he bought the condoms.
All things are BOB. We must remember that BOB is all things. All things are BOB…
Ze books of ze Book:
THE OLD TESTICLE
Exit, Stage Everywhere
A Bobological Study of The New Promised Land
The Two of Sam
Various Kings and Other Absolute Monarchs
Chronicles of Scary Things in Your Future
The Book of Jobless
The Book of Palms Pronounced Salms (What Idiot Though of A Silent `P’?)
Subliminal Messages On The Cereal Box (Subliminal BOB)
Lack of Wisdom
THE NEW TESTICLE
The Bobsel According to Matdude
The Bobsel According To Kram
The Bobsel According to Luke Duke
The Bobsel According to Nohj
The Letters of Pole
The Chain Letter From Timothy
Letter of Pain to The Japanese Prophets of Economy
The Letter From Nohj to Sir Carnel
Epilogue By High prophet Werdna
Propaganda Page: Coming Soon From BOB!
A Guide To The Various Churches of BOB:
First Church of God BOB Scientist (1988-present)
Leaders of Church:
Co-Popes Mark and Nathan (1989-1991)
Pope Flip IV (1991-1992; reinstated 1995)
Pope Jones (1992)
Englacian (Puritanical) Church of England. (1991-present)
Leaders of Church:
Cardinal Zosish (1991)
Archbishop Stokes (1991-present)
First Reform Church. (1989-Dissolved in 1990) Leaders of Church:
Alternate Popes Alex and Matt (1989-1990)
Second Reform Church. (1991-1992)
Commonly referred to as `The Church of Morton Of The Bad Suits’
Previous Editions of The Boble
The Original Manuscripts: 1988
The Family Fun Boble: 1989
The Boble! In Anarchistic Red: 1990
The Boble! In Intellectual Black: 1990
The Most Holy Boble (First Edition): 1991
The Most Holy Boble (Second Edition): 1993
The Most Holy Boble with New Testicle (First Revised Edition): 1993
The Most Holy Boble (Second Revised Edition): 1997
The Most Holy Boble (Modern Era Comet Catastrophe Edition): 1998
Modern Era Comet Catastrophe: Special Y2K Edition: 2000
The First Quote Is:
“Because BOB is Hooked on Phonics!”
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