His Satanic Majesty, Nacho Sasha

Talked to Satan last week. Looks like I’m going to be your emperor starting May 21st. So best get yourself ready.

Have we all been following this May 21st thing? The prediction from a decrepit fundamentalist radio show host that the rapture will occur on May 21st, 2011? I think, probably, yes, because these freaks have spent tons of money plastering every form of media out there with commercials. Something that, in my opinion, does mark the onset of Armageddon. Our apocalypse cults can buy airspace during children’s programming? They can rent billboard space by all the major highways?

These people are of the same ilk that we saw in Poltergeist 2. All fundamentalist Christians are. They’re singing wildly while they pull the stone over their own grave, then they come back 100 years later and torment Craig T. Nelson. As you do.

Harold Camping is the man behind the current end-times prediction but, as a publisher, I know the truth. He’s trying to ride the 2012 coattails. The public isn’t patient enough to wait for the alleged Mayan apocalypse (also, by the way, entirely fabricated by a fundamentalist goofball and not actually related to the Mayan calendar). The 2012 apocalypse isn’t scheduled until December 21st, according to the original idiot who started that bullshit. Fuck that – I want my apocalypse NOW!

There is, at least, some basis for that whole Mayan thing. 12/21/12 is when we’ll switch the Mayan calendar over to the next long count. Just like you’ll be switching your calendar over on June 1st. How this becomes the end of the world I’m not sure. Nor do I care to find out.

Camping lacks the charming cryptoarcheology vein of the 2012 predictions. He’s based his end date off of a complicated mathematical formula that actually assumes x, y, and z = “atonement, completeness, and heaven.” Which is about right when it comes to algebra. I never took algebra seriously because it always had that pseudo-science feel to it. If the instructor did actually twitch and start saying the number of heaven is X times 14, I wouldn’t have batted an eye.

It should be noted that this is the third time Camping has predicted the apocalypse. He did so for a 1980’s date and again for 1994. Though he now claims that May 21st, 2011 is a date he arrived at in 1970. Basically, though, Camping has started each decade with an end-times prediction and has raked in the cash. He says he’s not getting rich off of this, but read his disclaimers carefully. He’s not getting rich through donations, he says. But he is getting rich off of advertising revenue on his radio show and overall book sales, since each end-times prediction comes with a merchandising program.

What this does is work all the idiots – and we are surrounded by idiots, folks – into a frenzy. I don’t care if some fruitbat says the world will end. But I do care when he’s given voice on a level that reaches the masses. The masses are people who went bankrupt protecting themselves against an imaginary Millennium Bug, and who dug up their backyards to make bunkers during the Cold War. We are surrounded by people who will do what they’re told. And, when it comes to the Rapture, what are they being told?

The Rapture hits May 21st, 2011. Camping vaguely says it’ll happen at around 6pm in each local time zone, but no promises. It’ll be heralded by natural disasters that, at the time of his prediction, are fairly lightweight compared to what’s actually happened in the first half of 2011.

So the good folks will be taken away and then we’ll enter a six month period of despair and madness like in Left Behind. Armageddon – the actual end of the world – is scheduled for October 21st, 2011. Camping and his people don’t talk much about that, but that’s what his original prediction was. Rapture, six months of chaos and hell on Earth, and then fireball to oblivion. Which means, if you buy the line, then it’s every one for themselves on May 21st.

Therefore, I am preparing to take control on May 21st. I have made a pact with Satan and I will become emperor of the entire world between May 21st and October 21st. So, if you’re left behind (and, if you’re reading Great Society, you will be), then best familiarize yourself with my unholy program.

The first thing we’re going to do is comb the planet for all the people on the enemies list that I’ve been keeping since I was eight. If they haven’t been raptured, then we’re going to eat them. We’re going to chain them down and slowly devour them – flesh, muscle, and bone – from their feet up. And we’re going to have surgeons on hand to keep them awake and alive through the whole process.

I have a lengthy enemies list, so there will be multiple cannibal squads assigned this task. We only have six months.

I want to travel across the US in a vintage train car, waving to my new subjects from a caboose like the old Presidents used to do. At each stop, I expect to have sex with every attractive female who has not been raptured. And not boring “scared of Satan’s minion” sex. I’m talking engaging, excited porno sex. Eye-watering, kidney-shifting action. Right there on the platform of each station where my most Satanic caboose stops.

Women of middling quality will be given to my shock troops, who travel in the other cars of the train and are always ready to do the most terrible things to everyone left behind. My shock troops will be carefully selected from the embittered ranks of Christians who are stunned that they were not raptured. Therefore, they will see all other left behinders as sub-human and evil and not mind, say, slowly feeding each of them into a wood chipper.

After all, if you are left behind, then you are merely cattle. The show’s over. Nobody wants you. As you always knew when you looked in the mirror each morning. Now not only will you die alone and unloved, but you’ll probably be cut to ribbons by hedge clippers at the hands of Nacho’s Demon Shock Troops just because we needed to kill a day while the train was being repaired.

While my shock troops enforce my nefarious will – sorry, the will of Lucifer, my Lord and Master – I’m going to visit all the homes of my friends, acquaintances, and co-workers who have been raptured and look for evidence of sinful acts. If I find anything questionable, I’ll report to my Great Master Satan and we’ll have you fucking unraptured. Then you’ll be mine. So, even if you’re up there with Jesus and all the heavenly host, I want you to think carefully: Was I really a good friend to Nacho? Will Nacho have time before October 21st to find those child porn pictures I hid behind the washing machine?

If I find nothing, then I’m going to turn your home into a Death Brothel and we’ll leave dead, mutilated hookers in your bed. Because if you’ve been raptured then you’re no friend of mine. We’ll take family photographs and staple them onto the backs of human centipedes and then force them to go crawling through the streets while everyone throws rotten produce at them. (Wherever I go, I’ll bring along jeering crowds of medieval looking people who throw produce.)

During my Dark Reign, there will be countless natural disasters as we careen helplessly into Armageddon. But that won’t really matter. There’ll be horrible suffering and loss of life – hurricanes and tornados and earthquakes and tsunamis. Per my agreement with His Unholy Lord, I’ll be okay. As will my court which, by October of 2011, will resemble the courtroom in the first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation. That’s my real goal. Of course.

And woe betide any ex-girlfriends who aren’t raptured. You all want to get yourselves baptized and atone a sin or two. Like, right now. Trust me. That’s the last warning because, at midnight, I’m going to assume my cloak of human flesh and be anointed emperor of the Earth by all the minions of hell. The ceremony will be held on the roof at my weekend job. I’m supplying the champagne. Everyone’s invited. And if you get fucking raptured, then I and my minions are going to grab your ankles and pull you right the fuck down onto the hot tar of the angry roof. Nice try, sunshine! Now put on the flesh-cloak and join the ranks of my shock troops. We ride tonight! WE RIDE TONIGHT!!