Doctor Nacho

I’ve decided to become an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church. Everyone who used to be cool has done this, so it’s nothing big. I don’t know what the pretentious hipster kids do today to be cool but, back when I was in college, the ULC was the way to go. Being ordained goes hand in hand with pipe smoking, berets, and argument for the sake of argument.

God, I hated college. I just sat in my dorm room with vodka and a pistol and tried to hold all the fucktards at bay from my window.

But now I’m 34, so I can be pretentious and it’s perfectly acceptable. (Though I’ve given up my very brief pipe smoking phase and I don’t own a beret.) My inspiration comes from Hunter Thompson, of course. His “Doctorate” is through the ULC. And just about everyone who’s anyone is a minister.

Ultimately, I will get the Doctorate. In order to maintain the correct level of snootiness, I’m holding out for the proper PhD in Religion. It’s a hundred bucks, so I can’t justify it right now because I’m a poor fuck. But I may cave in and get one of the cheaper degrees to hold me over.

And don’t laugh at the PhD in religion! I promise you that $100 and a 30 minute test will give me exactly the same education as those idiot waterheads who spend six years at a real university earning the same degree. Seriously… Remember when I bitched about this whore? Or, well, the whore mentioned towards the middle of that article? She worked on that Doctor of Divinity bullshit for 13 years. Seriously? My god, Laura, how you keep from eating a bullet is beyond me.  I want to eat a bullet and I only knew you for a year.

Hell, I rewrote the Bible. I can do whatever I want. And I will force people to call me Doctor. I’ll call all the junk mail places and have them add the prefix to their labels. Then the goddamned avalanche of Pennysavers and other shit I get every day will all call me Doctor.

Of course, my grandfather did that in 1960 and has maintained the illusion ever since, without spending $100 on a stupid piece of paper. He actually did go to school and is a few hours from his PhD. But that was after World War II, so I think there’s a statute of limitations on your schooling. At what point does it become unimportant? Because, ten years later, my BA in History feels very unimportant.

The ordination as a minister is free, and I’ll get the ball rolling right away. Once approved, becoming a minister gives me full rights to actually do churchy stuff. In Maryland, I’m allowed to conduct legally-binding marriages, funerals, baptisms and hold services right out of the gate. Actually, if I want to adhere to the Catholic sacraments, I can. By law, I’m equal to a real priest when it comes to taking confessions, performing last rites, and so on. I’ll even be able to give communion!

In Virginia, I have to file my credentials and notarized documents with the County Clerk for the same privileges. Free of charge, except for the notary. DC law asks that I become an incorporated entity, which is something I’ve long planned on doing. The Reverend Doctor Nacho Sasha, Inc.

I’m going to go the Catholic route, I think. Anybody want their baby to be baptized? Let me know. And if any of you gays want married, no problem. I’ll do it for free. Beer’s on you. I won’t do last rites, because sick people are a drag.

Ultimately, my goal is to fill the wall of my office with degrees. I’d love an honorary degree from a real university, but I think you have to be rich and famous to get one of those. One thing’s for sure – being a preacher will get me laid. Bless you my child. Get on your knees and prepare to take the host of heaven! Behold! The Lion of Judah!