Sunday Archive XXV: Nacho’s Halloween List
This was first published on Dirtyfreaks.com for Halloween, 2002. The guy who designed Dirtyfreaks, instead of using an out of the box content management system, which I would do for the Greatsociety.org changover in December 02, designed his own CMS. It was a peice of shit that required the contributor to painfully put in all the HTML Tags.
I mention that because this will be the first post from the 2002/2003 archives, most of which have been lost online. So be ready for me to drunkenly miss HTML and fuck up the post.
(I had to make a few edits and notes below, since some of the DVD versions have long been updated/discontinued.)
Nacho’s Halloween DVD List
Now, kids, what are you doing for Halloween? I’m going to sit around in the dark and watch creepy films because, you know, I don’t have any friends and women fear me. Compiling a list of what you need to watch would be impossible, so let’s just take a look at what’s on my shelves right now.
Phantasm & Gargoyles
Every Halloween, back when UHF was still home to the groovy independents, Washington’s channel 20 always showed Phantasm or Gargoyles. I’d come back from my night out, pile up my candy, and watch these bad boys late into the night. And here’s the surprisingly useless Phantasm page for you to visit.
Phantasm is Don Coscarelli’s gift to the horror genre. The Phantasm series spans 20 years and the first one is painfully 70’s, but still a powerful vodka tonic film. That is, you should drink a couple glasses before you begin. Don’t worry, though, the series quickly segues into comic horror ala the Evil Dead series and, just as quickly, transcends into obscure insanity. I’m waiting for them all to come out on DVD but, for now, we have a cheapo version of Phantasm IV out there and an accomplished special edition of the original. I sure hope you know the story because every movie buff should – boy hero, evil tall man, scary shit, flying death spheres, midget slaves from dimension X. Honestly, you can’t go wrong.
Gargoyles is a painful experience in what I call 70’s “small town monster suit” horror. An archeologist and his bulimic 70’s daughter stumble across a colony of Gargoyles in the American Southwest and start to meddle where they shouldn’t so the gargoyles proceed to tear up some shit. Then there’s some…other stuff…and…motel siege…moving car battle…Bernie Casey as head Gargoyle. Uh… The DVD actually spoils the mood. The old Channel 20 version was dark and grainy and that’s the way you have to watch this one. “John! Was that a tit?” (John giggles) “I think so!” It’s not, though, so don’t get excited.
Now, here are some tits! The beautiful Eileen Daly gets naked, fights with swords and guns and covers herself in green blood for artsy lesbian death cult scenes in the strangely pleasing Razor Blade Smile. This is an indie film, so brace yourself for something made on a budget of what appears to be 29 cents and lots of good will. Or, perhaps, the investors were promised a front row seat on the day they filmed the lesbian death scene. Once you look past the appalling production value, Eileen Daly’s gushing acting and a storyline that was typed up during a long weekend in the stockroom of the Liquor Mart, you’ll love Razor Blade Smile to pieces. I rather thought they did a good job with the comedy and, well, this is what you watch if you really want to get that “I can make a better film” feeling. Actually, just watch it for Eileen. Oh my…
John Carpenter has had occasional flashes of pure cinematic genius. His remake of the classic 50’s paranoia film, The Thing, is handled perfectly. All remakes need to follow this path. Carpenter took the overt Soviet paranoia from the 50’s film and updated it for the 80’s. Instead of fearing the Red Menace, now all we have to fear is ourselves. Sure, the Soviets were still around, but the 80’s didn’t have the same kooky weirdness that the World War II generation suffered from. We were in American Psycho mode. Carpenter’s version is gory, scary and, most important of all, effective. It holds up even today. Ever wanted to see Wilfred Brimley in a downright scary, evil role? Tune in, folks. The Thing special edition is a must have for any night you want to pull the covers up to your chin.
It’s dreadful, but it’s better than Redneck Zombies. Or is it? The original idea is okay — In a tiny, European village Nazi zombies rise from the dead to seek out the descendents of the French resistance folks who killed them and threw them in a lake. Tee-hee.
Well, when the film gets to rolling, they got the Nazi zombies okay, but those wacky guys spend much more time tearing apart scantily clad girls.
I don’t know. I rather like the Nazi ghosts seeking justice idea because that’s just, well, wrong.
Dawn of the Dead
I have the 156 minute bootleg funky cut on VHS. There are about a thousand different versions out there. The best of Romero’s Living Dead series suffered from some brutal re-editing, re-filming and re-scoring. All versions, however, hold water…but I’ll never go back. Romero says that he hates the longer versions, and I believe he urges everyone to get the standard 126 minute US theatrical version. He’s said he likes that version for the tighter editing and blah, blah, blah… Take it from the fan – the 156 one is the way to go. There’s much more time spent establishing the mood of our heroes, and studying how they react to their situation. I find Dawn to be an inspirational film. Three Americans caught in the Mecca of our modern world – the shopping mall. From the gripping beginning to the thought-provoking finale, this has always been one of my favorite films. If you can get the version with the original Goblins soundtrack, don’t hesitate. It’s amazing how the music can really change the whole experience…
The Evil Dead Series
Need I say anything here? The classics from Sam Raimi. Watching Bruce Campbell fight the undead is always a good way to spend your Halloween evening. Grab some Evil Dead drinking games and have it. In an act of purest whoremongering, there have been multiple versions released on DVD. My preferred versions are (Edited out because there have been dozens of versions since 2002, and I long ago gave up.)
Near Dark
The lovely Jenny Wright gets to play a redneck vampire from a small clan headed by Lance Henrickson and Bill Paxton. This is cult vampire cinema at its height – 1987, rednecks, innocence lost, and a score by Tangerine Dream. Hell, their music even made The Keep bearable. Well…sort of. There’s nothing like trailer park vampires from rural Oklahoma to get your Halloween going. A must for all of you middle America folks.
Wicker Man
Last and, certainly, not least is the Wicker Man Special Edition. If you’re in DVD region two or are clued up and regionless, you really want the special edition version. (Now available everywhere.)
That’s more Wicker Man than you can shake a stick at.The Wicker Man is the grand daddy of the cult horror films. I’m discounting the creature features and the odd meanderings of HG Lewis. Those built the genre in the sense of how best to bury an axe in an unwary teenager’s skull. The Wicker Man is intellectually creepy and, you know, that’s just a bit more frightening than the axe in the head.
Equalizer Edward Woodward plays a pious cop who has to go out to the far flung Scottish island of Summerisle to investigate a missing persons case. Well, something ain’t quite right on Summerisle and, in case you weren’t sure, Christopher Lee is there to help get that message across. Oh, and there’s lots of kinky nudity and wild, out of control pagan folk songs dominating the soundtrack.
My heart shrinks to 1/4th its original size whenever I hear about the plans to remake the Wicker Man. That’s the rape of quality film, folks. Get the original inside your brain before it’s destroyed forever in favor of Mark Wahlberg in 2003’s “Mahogany Man with a Gun!”
So there we go. I haven’t decided which I’ll be watching on Halloween but, at the moment, I’m leaning towards Evil Dead and Phantasm. I start at 8pm, care to join me?