Murky Argument

I’ll throw in on the Murky Coffee thing, which has dominated the DC blogs I subscribe to.

Why bother adding yet another opinion to the fray?  My keen advertising mind knows that I should get on the ground floor of any big controversy and use it to promote my books.  To do this, I need to latch onto important keywords like McCain, Obama, terrorist, New Yorker cover, redhead XXX, Asian girls, sex virgins, fisting lactating mothers, and gay Osama bin Laden porn.

Okay, that last one doesn’t seem popular.   Only 300,000 hits on Google.

In DC, the current keywords are:  Murky Coffee is run by elitist fucks.

When you’re an elitist fuck, you’re quite often plagued by other elitist fucks, like Jeff Simmermon from the link I provided above.  He wanted an espresso on ice, Murky Coffee refused because we’ve let our coffee shops get out of hand and should probably work really hard to shut them all down, and Simmermon wrote his little wannabe Tucker Max “I showed them” post.

But since we’re in the new age of blogs where people actually pay attention to the shit that people like me are swilling, Simmermon’s post became some big thing.

I wake up, hit the porch, watch the poor people rush to work at 5:30am, drink my coffee, sign onto Google Reader, and OMG!   Murky Coffee attacked by terrorist cell!

I skim past that stuff.  But, then, Murky Coffee replied on their webpage.

The reply starts by saying it’s just policy.  Okay, that’s fine.  And anyone reading thinks that Simmermon is an asshole, so the defense isn’t really needed.

But in the same breath comes their snooty shit:

Okay, we don’t do espresso over ice. Why? Number one, because we don’t do it. Number two, because we don’t do it. Mostly for quality reasons. Also, because more than half the time, it’s abused (Google “ghetto latte”).

Really?  Ghetto latte?  Personally, I don’t trust anything in Google that has fewer hits than “gay Osama bin Laden porn,” and I don’t really find myself comfortable with the passive racism implied by the Starbucks fuckheads who coined the term, and Murky Coffee who proudly comes out against the practice.

Suggestion for Murky coffee:  Maybe, instead of saying “no ghetto lattes”, you could just politely say, “Pardon me, but could all the black people please stay away?  Thank you.” Because that’s really what the term is implying when you read a bit deeper into the history.

But, still, like I said, Simmermon’s an asshole.  Except the corporate response ends with:

To Mr. Simmermon, you overplayed your hand with your vulgar tip-schtick. While I certainly won’t bemoan you your right to free-speech, I have to respond to you in your own dialect: Fuck you, Jeff Simmermon. Considering your public threat of arson, you’ll understand when I say that if you ever show your face at my shop, I’ll punch you in your dick.

Respectfully,
Nick
Owner, murky coffee

Time for Nick to take a vacation, eh? But leave it to Murky Coffee (which serves a substandard product and should be avoided, by the way) to answer fuckheads with wild aggression, defend their policy with subtle racism, and take things way too seriously.

Reading the original post and the Murky response, my conclusion is that Nick is the one who needs to be punched in the dick.  Just give the asshole his iced fucking coffee, you retarded, racist motherfucker.  He paid for it.  When did “the customer is always right” get replaced with “the customer should be punched in the dick”?