Customer Service Transcripts #4

Arguments with Lunatics

(Customer subscribed to a journal, and called complaining about non-receipt. Call was on February 5, 2009.)

Me: The first issue comes out on the 16th of this month.

Cust: Okay, when was the last issue mailed…?

Me: The…last one? For 2008?

Cust: No, for this year.

Me: The first issue comes out on the 16th of this month.

Cust: And when was the last issue?

Me: The last issue was December of 2008.

Cust: For this year!

Me: The first issue – the only issue this year so far – comes out on the 16th.

Cust: But when was the last issue?

Me: Do you mean for 2009?

Cust: Yes.

Me: The FIRST ISSUE FOR 2009 will be mailed out on….

Cust: I got that! When was the last one? Why aren’t you answering me?

Me: There was no last issue. The first issue comes out on the 16th. The. First. One. The issue before that was December, 2008. That was the last issue.

Cust: But what was the last issue for this year!?

Me: There hasn’t been one.

Cust: So, wait, if I’m not getting an issue till the 16th, does that mean my subscription runs through February 16th of next year?

Me: No, it’s always based on the calendar year.

Cust: And yet I’m not getting an issue till the 16th. So I paid full price but I don’t get all the issues?

Me: The one coming out on the 16th is the FIRST one. This is a quarterly journal.

Cust: Quarterly! What a rip-off! You’re only going to send me four of the issues for this year? How do I get the others?

Me: I…uh… Sorry?

Cust: Okay. Maybe I’ll call back and see if I get someone who knows what they’re talking about. I’ll hang up if you answer again. (hangs up)

Powerful Information

Not a funny transcript…just something that is a real pet peeve of mine. I talk to at least one person a week who gives me all of their financial details and openly admits that they never check their credit card bills or bank statements.

(Customer calls and says he is owed an $18 refund on his membership for a discount he forgot to note. And he is…notes back it up, etc. Everything has been processed. He’s pissed because this is the third time he’s had to call and he demands his money, etc. etc. Yelling, abusive…

So I spend most of the day going back and forth with finance to see WTF and finance says, well, we credited it to his Visa card on Jan 14th.

Okay, so I call back and say, blah blah, credited back to your card on Jan 14th. Same card that was used to pay. His reply:)

Customer: Oh, well, I never check my visa statements. I just throw them out when I get them.

And, we end with an email exchange:

Dear membership @:

Please accept my life-long resignation from (edited) an association that has honored me with the much coveted affiliative status of “member for life.”
As difficult as it was for me and my wife and her chimp to reach this decision, and even more difficult for us to brief our children and their pupa of the rationale and rationalization for our having made this agonizingly retarded yet supra-optimal decision, that difficulty ain’t got no comparison to the other thing, that what we ain’t dne orr even are considering doing in the not to distant pas t..-or-life.

I cannot, in good conscience, accept membership for life in any association that would not have me as a regular Fellow.

Sincerely:

(Template response:)

Dear Dr. (edited),

We have received your request for resignation and I will forward it to the appropriate persons in our Membership Operations Department. Please allow ten days for the resignation process to be completed. Once this is done, you will receive a letter of confirmation that your resignation has been accepted.

It is unfortunate that you have decided to resign your membership. If you are not satisfied with member services, benefits, or activities, please let me know and I will try to assist you or forward your concerns to the appropriate staff members. Thank you.

His reply:

Dear (edited)

DROP DEAD.
WITH LOVE,

‘revered member for life’