The New Testicle V: Exploits, conclusion

Chapter 2

And so the Word of Bob Jr continued in exile. A man named Ambition harbored the followers of Bob Jr in a small shack outside of Rhineland. Ambition was a great man. All the clever ideas were his, and he instilled in the apostles a feeling of power – and an urge to gain more power.

Ambition was truly filled with the grace of BOB and Bob Jr. But those who were opposed to the cause of Bob Jr disliked him.

“This man speaks too much, and instills ideas of eager desire for power, wealth, or fame (ambition: noun) within the minds of the apostles. He must be silenced.”

So, one day, when Ambition was traveling to the supermarket to pick up some condoms and Vaseline, the Hebos who were opposed to his cause and the cause of those around him, set upon him with squirt guns. It was a brutal step of violence, which forever will be remembered. Especially since it was snowing and about 10 degrees below zero.

Ambition fell to the ground, frozen. His last breath was spent in a few short words: He looked unto the crowds and uttered, “You….Klingon….bastards….” And with that, he died.

There was at this time a man called Pole Cat. Pole Cat uttered deep curses against those who followed Bob Jr, and he sought them out. He aided in the murder of many great Bob Jr followers. Then, on a Sunday afternoon, a light from the heavens shone down upon him. He blinked his eyes, and saw that it was a spotlight, and that the world around him was no longer recogniz­able. And then he looked up and saw BOB! And standing slightly to the right of BOB was Bob Jr.

“Hey there.” BOB said unto Pole Cat, “I know that I’ve been damn quiet since that whole Old Testicle bit… But I tell ya, I’ve gotten damn bored up here. I was thinking to myself: Why don’t I send my son unto the world. You see, I figured it would be exciting. Instead we get these crappy Bobsels which are impossible to read…”

BOB looked over at Bob Jr, and then cracked his whip across his son’s back.

“Ow! Damnit, Dad!”

Pole Cat was stunned, “You mean…you mean…Bob Jr really is your son?”

“I don’t know…it’s so hard to say. But he might as well be. Whatever he is, he happens to be living the good life…and you, you’re down there freezing your ass off in the winter and being all depressed. Loser.”

Pole Cat stumbled backward, “I am speechless, Lord.” he said.

“So am I. Can’t say a word.”

Everyone was quiet a moment, pretending to be speechless. Then BOB finally got fed up with it, and kicked Pole Cat around a few times shouting obscenities. Finally, BOB said, “Go into the city. It is there that you will know what to do.”

And then everything went black. Pole Cat had been blinded. Those who were with him had to take him into the city, where he did not eat or drink for five hundred days. Sorry…minutes.

It was there, in the city, when Pole Cat was approached by a man.


“I can’t see you. You’re not there.”

The man took Pole Cat unto a water fountain and squirted water in his face, “You just had some black stuff smeared across your eyes, man….”

Pole Cat was ecstatic, “It was a lie! A trick! Ha! I knew it!”

It was then that a purple light came down from the heavens, “This is BOB’s secretary,” a voice said, “I am to inform you that your new name is Sole instead of Pole. Rubber Sole. And you are to serve the cause of BOB and Bob Jr. Thank you, please leave a donation with our church as you leave the city.” And the light faded.

“Shit…” Rubber Sole muttered.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the movie, Pain was praying on a roof. I’m sorry…is Pain dead? Oh well, I don’t care and neither do you. If you do care, then relax and learn not to care. I’m doing this for the story. I’m perfectly justified!

Pain was praying when he grew peckish. He said: “I would like some milk and some cheese, please.” in a silly voice.

While the servants prepared the dairy products, Pain fell into a trance (he had been sniffing Nohj’s drugs a bit much). The vision went thusly:

A blanket came from Bob Heavens (where all the sausage is high) and said unto Pain,

“There are ten more commandments which you must preach to Mankind. These are commandments which should help all of BOB’s children rise up and take the life which belongs to them. Behold:

Ambition. Tell the children to take charge. To never be satisfied with their lot if they can do better.

Enterprise. Make the best of every situation. Always be ready for the right moment.

Creativity. Never plagiarize. Make sure everything they do, say, or write has a unique quality and flows from their hands, their hearts, and their minds.

Thought. Always think about it. Plan it out. There is always more than one way to do something.

Foresight. Try to be aware of your actions, and respect the future as much as you respect your present.

Wisdom. Use it, but more importantly, strive to acquire and absorb it from those around you.

Knowledge. You can never stop learning. Every turn you take in life is a new lesson; make sure that it is.

Care. For yourself and for everything you share life with on this world. Never look into yourself so deeply that you lose track of what’s around you.

Responsibility. Keep the world clean, keep your neighbor happy, learn and manage everything that is yours – and make sure others are as fortunate as you.

Respect. You are not alone. Everyone around you is your equal, and deserves as much attention as you. There is no lesser and no greater in a world of hardships and difficulty.”

Pain was stunned, “Wow…that was pretty deep…”

The blanket shrugged (well…it more or less ‘fluttered’), “Ah well… It sounds damn good. Alright, there are two beautiful women coming to sleep with you. Go see them. Bye. Hail BOB.”

“Hail BOB!” Pain replied, and then he ran down unto the gate to greet the women. But the women were not of the Hebo race.

“Lord BOB,” Pain said into the heavens, “and my savior Bob Jr, these women are not of my race.”

Bob Jr replied, “Pain… The realm of BOB is open to all. These women are of a different culture, but are to be accepted into the world of BOB – as are all beings on this planet.”

“Cool,” Pain muttered because the women were very beautiful. And so Pain descended his holy monster upon them and doinked them dry. Then he sat, naked, talking to his sister on the telephone while the women fingered themselves.

K.L. Feldspar
2546 Lancrest Lane
Santa Cruz, CA

Dear Werdna,

I hardly think that it is appropriate to describe the sexual habits of the apostles. Your phrase ‘And so Pain descended his holy monster upon them and doinked them dry. Then he sat, naked, talking to his sister on the telephone while the women fingered themselves’ is hardly appropriate. I was reading the Exploits of the apostles, and then I reached that little daddy. For BOB’s sake, man! I’ve followed BOB for years…but this is too much. This is pornography! How can you say such things?

Were these women redheads? Long, red hair cascading down their alabaster skin…glistening with sweat… Did they lick their lips and cast sultry blue eyes over at Pain as their long finger­nails, and slender fingers explored their….ahhhh….

Anyway, sir, I hardly approve of these fine…pert breasts…tight little… Ahem… Where was I? Uh… Oh dear… Ah…Ahhhh….ahhhhhh……yessssss.

So there is much change in these formative years. Pain dies again and Rubber Sole travels about preaching the word of Bob Jr. He builds churches for the people, and travels across the globe – working at odd jobs to pay his way.

At one time, Rubber Sole was thrown in jail. But he used his fake badge to con his way out, and was eventually on his way again. He visited Florence, booked himself into the Marriot, and lived the easy life there!

Then Rubber Sole went down to Jamaica. It was here that he learned to sing and dance. Rubber Sole would later become painfully famous for his act in which he would sing Belafonte naked, wearing only a tulip tucked into the folds of his belly.

In Hawaii, Rubber Sole got a bitchin’ tan on the black beaches and, might I add, got laid so many times all the begets in The Boble wouldn’t be a match for it.

In Brazil, Rubber Sole went on a spiritual odyssey into the jungle, and discovered many exquisite ruins from ancient cultures.

In Africa, Rubber Sole traveled throughout Zaire, Kenya, Madagascar, and the Congo. He viewed many exotic animals, and sent a few rare orchids back to Bobette.

He spent a few days in the red light district in Paris, and then went on to London where he ran into a visiting Zosish, giving a concert for his old university.

Rubber Sole waited patiently until the Cardinal was finished, and then stepped up to the stage and introduced himself.

“Do I know you?” Zosish asked.

“Yes, sir,” Rubber Sole asked, “I’m from The Boble!”

“Uh-huh…” Zosish looked a little puzzled, “From Werdna’s Boble, right?”

“That’s right!”

Zosish sighed, “Well, then, you’re not supposed to be talking to me! Why don’t you go talk to Werdna?”

Rubber Sole shrugged, “I heard that he was in Hawaii. But the girl that he was supposed to be staying with said that he was going to be awful busy.”


“Yeah…some sort of movie deal.”

Zosish was puzzled once again, “Movie?”

Rubber Sole smiled, “Well, theoretically, if Purple Publica­tions ever gets off the ground, then Werdna will start up White­castle Productions. This will be in about fifteen years, but Whitecastle Productions will put out a number of his movies. In the end, all of the pain and hardships which Werdna has been through with Purple Publications will pay off. Finally, all those people who laughed at him and his company will be working for him. This is all theoretical, and may never happen, of course.”

Zosish was shocked, “Is this being recorded for The New Testicle?”


Zosish panicked, “By the brown back hair of BOB! Get out…get away! Werdna will have my hide when he hears all this…damn!”

And, with that, Rubber Sole left. On his way home, he was sitting in the coach section of the train and thinking. It would be some hours before he would make it back to the great land of the Hebos (insert culture joke here). As he stared out the window, he suddenly saw the crucifixion of Bob Jr being replayed as if it were a dream.

“Holy shit…” Rubber Sole muttered.

Then he witnessed Bob Jr rising up and ascending to Bob Heavens (where there is hallucinatory sausage). Rubber Sole grabbed the guy next to him, “Shit…did you see any of that?”

The guy was BOB JR!!! Rubber Sole’s brain short-circuited; he woke up three days later in a hospital in Vienna. He looked up at the doctor standing over him, and the doctor was BOB JR!!! Rubber Sole, blubbering and slobbering, was dragged away and imprisoned. He looked on as the guard locked the door. Slowly, the guard removed his hat and it was BOB JR!!!!

Rubber Sole, unable to take much more, began humming tunes from Jefferson Airplane.

The guard smiled, “Hi there, Rubber Sole. I just thought I’d drop by and say howdy. Okay, gotta split. Bye.”

After Rubber Sole gained control of his bowels, he petitioned Festival for his release. The reply was, of course, favorable. And Rubber Sole was released in three days. From there he went to Saudi Arabia and began teaching them of the Talmud, just as a joke. When they were about to kill him, he quickly retreated to Rome and spent an overall comfortable holiday preaching the words of BOB and Bob Jr and all that had been learned in their name. Damn Straight!