The New Testicle V: Exploits, part one

I was very drunk, if you’re curious.

The Exploits Of The Apostles



I liked Captain Kirk better.  I mean, he was cool!  He was an asshole!  Picard isn’t an asshole…he’s an okay guy.  But, man, if you crossed Kirk, you got a phaser beam up your ass…or he just simply beamed himself back to the ship and blew your planet up.  I mean, really.  You don’t see Riker and Crusher on the verge of punching each other out, do you?  Spock and McCoy…now there was entertainment.  I mean, very little stopped McCoy from jamming a syringe full of shampoo into Spock’s neck.

So, you’re about 30 pages through The New Testicle.  How do you like it?  I hope you do.  You’d better.  If you don’t, then shut up.  I’m sick and tired of you.  I’m sitting here listening to a 40 minute loop of the Gilligan’s Island theme song…I’m feeling a little psychotic right now.

As the exploits were translated, there were a few problems.  You see, since nobody could understand the old Hebos’ writings like Dr. Herman `The Hedgehog’ Aquarius, we’ve had to make up many things.  You know…read the Sanskrit backwards and guess what the hell it’s saying.

“{Insert Line of Gibberish Here}”

And we would translate that as: “So the bitch lied and her kneecap crawled up into her stomach and sliced her innards to death.”  Is that an accurate guess?  No?  Well, I don’t care.  Blow me.

Alright there’s your introduction!  HAPPY?!  I hope you are.  I know that I’ve just spent a month writing three identical stories about Bob Jr,

Chapter 1

Before, we dealt with everything Bob Jr did and taught until he got himself killed.  Then he appeared to his apostles and convinced them that they should go out and die too.  So the apostles, thinking this over, sat in a sauna and discussed the situation.  They were in the company of many women, who performed oral feats and {insert sex fantasy here} repeatedly until the apostles had no more lubricant left within their holy dinks.

At one point during these days of dink lubricant, Pain stood up and said unto the brothers, “My dink is so dry!”

So Pain looked amongst the brothers, dinks hanging out all of them.  He said unto them, “We must find a new dink!  As scripture has it, dinked long ago, there must be twelve dry, blue, dinks.  So I have chosen Dinkias as our new number twelve!”

And there was much dinking.

Transcript from Jackson, M as follows:

Martha Jackson
2467 Rehobeth Street
`Manchester England England Across The Atlantic Sea’

Dear Werdna, Boble Purveyor:

I have been a fan of your perverse and feeble attempts at literature for the past ten years.  However, I can no longer deny myself the truth that you are a total loser.  After reading your Boble, I was stunned at the repeated use of the word ‘dink’ in a manner which suggested that the apostles had ‘penises’.  I know that they, being men, may have had a penis of some sort.  But to slander such holy individuals by having their wet, hard, dinks hanging out of their pants was repulsive!  Obviously your youth and radical beliefs have corrupted and burnt away your mind – leaving a filthy, dink-infested hole.  You dink, you!  I tell you, I’m going to mass right now!  I’m burning your Boble!  I can’t believe in this!  Good Lord, you maladjusted son of a bitch!

Enclosed is my check for thirty dollars.  Please send me The Red Sea Scrolls and The BOB Prayer Book.  Thank you.

A Good Non-Contradictory Christian Type Individ­u­al,

Martha Jackson

Suddenly, as they sat in the sauna (we’re back to the story now), steam came forth from the rocks.  In itself, this was no peculiar event.  But the steam was a bright purple.  The purple seemed to reflect the light, creating purple shadows…or, perhaps, creating some form of light on a spectrum which normal Human eyes could not possibly perceive.  The purple tongues of steam rose up, and encircled each of the apostle’s dinks.  And the apostles suddenly knew what they had to do: Go forth unto the heathen dinks and teach the good news of BOB unto them.  At which point, they will all die very painful deaths.  Yes, it seemed like a valid proposal.

The apostles, however, doubted.

“How do we know this word came from Bob Jr?” they asked.  No one was sure, Nohj had been over in the corner smoking something and playing with his dink.  In fact, a majority of the steam in the room wasn’t steam – it was the soft, effervescent glow of the smoke of whatever Nohj was smoking.  Frankly, the apostles were having a damn hard time remembering their own names.

Thomas Howard
38 Mandlebrat Way
Los Lunas, New Mexico

Dear Sir,

I would like to thank you for your constant outflow of creativity.  When I have read the works brought forth from your company unto us, I have become, quite honestly, aroused.  The whole Purple Publica­tions/BOB thing has been marvelous!  Keep up the good work!  I’m so glad that you have sunk hundreds of dollars into the publishing of half-witted material.  Sorry… I’ve been reading The Land of Scum too much.

Your writing style is marvelous, your cohorts are wonderful­ly devious, and you are excellent with your `I’ve sold out but I’m still pretty damn talented’ personality.  I’m sorry that the girls never date you!  Boy, what are they missing out on, eh?  I mean…you’re handsome!  You’re six foot two, 145 pounds, blond hair, green eyes!  You have nice skin…and a cute ass (ahem).  You’re not too thin, and you have long legs.  No facial blemishes whatsoever, and you wear cool glasses.  You don’t look like a nerd…gosh… If only the girls would get into your hip culture, man!  I fucking LOVE you!  You’re the cheese, do you know that?!  You are absolutely the fucking cheese!

With my balls on your chin,

And so they devoted themselves to community life (The apostles.  From the story before that letter.), put their dinks back where they belonged, and went forth unto the world to preach of Bob Jr.  Yuck…Pain just burped up that damn Mexican dinner he had at the cafeteria.
One day, Pain and Nohj were going to find Carnel Sue, who not only gave free dink rubs, but also supplied Nohj with the ‘shrooms he desperately needed to write his `glorious idea’.  As they approached the Libyan Tent of Disbelief, they were stunned that a cripple had been left to die outside the gates.  Pain and Nohj affixed the cripple with their purple-reflective sunglasses.

“Help a poor, dying man…” the cripple breathed.

Pain grinned, “I have no money to give unto you.  But I will give you something else:  In the name of Bob Jr, stand up and walk!”

And so the cripple stood up, and could walk as any other man.  He began jumping around and shouting out.  The crowds in the temple saw this, and they were floored.  I mean, they just didn’t know what the hell to make out of this one – mainly because the cripple had no legs.  The crowd rushed in and surrounded the three men, and Pain said unto them, “Why are you so surprised?  Our BOB, the BOB of Abrahamilton, the BOB of all our people, gave power unto his servant Bob Jr to perform such miracles.  The same Bob Jr which all you bastards killed.  Are you happy?  You losers.”

And so Pain and Nohj and the cripple were brought before the priests.  The priests asked them:

“What the hell is going on?”

And Pain replied, “We are the servants of Bob Jr, and -”

“Christ…” the priests mumbled, “we can’t get rid of that dinkhead!”

So they (T) looked at the three, and passed their judgement.  Pain (1) was killed right there (the X marks physical abuse).  The cripple’s (2) imaginary legs were snapped, and his brain removed (the X marks physical abuse).  And Nohj (3) was run out of town with the threat that his Dink would be removed if ever he was seen again (the O marks verbal abuse).  Nohj then ran to the rest of the apostles, and they all broke off and journeyed to other lands (the Y marks the RESULT of X and O).
So: T + X + X + O = Y
T + X2 + O = Y
100n = 57.45 A.D.

n = 00.45 A.D.
Y = A.D. 57

So this dates and ends the first Chapter of Exploits.