The New Testicle I: The Bobsel According to Matdude, part one
The Bobsel According to
MATDUDE
Chapter One
“Pedigree”
The family of Bob Jr is a metaphysical experience, really. The short way to trace his pedigree is simply through the fact that Bob Jr is the son of BOB: that’s his family right there. No arguments please. But to be as confusing as possible, let’s take the long route: Bob Jr is the son of Bobette and Joe. Their family may or may not trace back to King Dil and King Sockit2him and so on. Actually, every single Hebo is suspiciously related to Dil. Go figure.
Chapter Two
“The Birth of Bob Jr.”
From Gabe’s Desk
To: Bobette, Hebo “virgin”
From: Gabe, Chief angel-type guy
808 Heavenly Way, suite 69
7th Heaven, Cloud 9
Nirvana, Bob Heavens, The Universe, BOBDear “virgin,”
I am glad to inform you that you have been impregnated by BOB. You did not realize this occurrence because BOB is trying some new techniques. Remember that midget with the jar of peanut butter? Anyway, I would like to inform you that your future son is, indeed, the Son of BOB. He is to be named Bob Jr and is to be brought up like your average, everyday Hebo. Of course you can tell nobody of this, because that will screw up everything and I may just have to come down there and shoot you.
Second, your cousin is pregnant with the last prophet – Nohj. Nohj will get his head chopped off, but don’t worry about that. I don’t care how old your cousin is, just go visit her. Let’s see…
Ah yes! In a short time, the evil and oppressive King of your people will kill all the kids…but…well, we’ll talk about that later. Well, this is costing me five cents a word, so I’m gonna blow you off now. Please eat this letter and tell no one of this. Thanks.
–Gabe
Bobette fell back with the force of BOB.
“Are you okay?” asked the messenger who had brought the letter.
“I am fine.” Bobette replied, “For today is the happiest day of my life. But I cannot tell you why. Thank you, please leave.” The messenger left and Bobette devoured the letter. She then felt her womb, and within it was a child. “But I have never been with a man – ” she protested.
The phone rang, and she picked it up. (Matdude used the word ‘phone’ without having knowledge of what it would later mean to us. Perhaps, at the time, `phone’ was a Hebo ritual of sexual activity.)
“Hello?” an operator said, “I have a collect call from Bob Heavens from one Gabe the Angel. Will you accept the charges?”
“Yes!” Bobette replied without hesitation.
“Hello… This the so-called virgin?”
“I am,” Bobette replied piously.
“You can read, right?”
“Yes, angel.”
“And you got the letter, right?”
“Yes, angel.”
“Then what the fuck isn’t clear to you bitch?! BOB got you knocked up, now deal with that shit, okay?”
“Yes, angel.” Bobette hung up the phone and went forth unto her mother. “I have been impregnated by BOB.” She announced, “And I shall name my son Bob Jr – a name which means `Son of BOB’ – and the Hebos shall know the true meaning of their lives. And I have heard of other news: my cousin, Liza, is pregnant as well.”
“But that is impossible,” Bobette’s mother said, “Liza became a man last year.”
“Yes,” Bobette replied, “but the power of BOB is almighty. Is not BOB within thy pants?”
“Why’d I have to have a daughter?” Bobette’s mother bemoaned.
“So that one day you may have a grandson…” Bobette raised her hands into the air and shouted, “And his name shall be Emmy Lou Harris!”
“What?”
Bobette smiled pleasantly. “I don’t know. I’m so wasted…”
Chapter Three
“The Flight”
There comes a point in every historian’s life where he comes across a documented fact which no one can remember. One of these obscure historical moments involved the murder of all of the children the same age of Bob Jr. Now, before we get into the details of such an event, it is also necessary to update you as to what’s been going on.
Of course it was only a few days later before there was a cutesy and excessively melodramatic plot twist. Bobette and Joey were off to another country to avoid the “murder” of the children. This so-called “murder” was supposed to be very “brutal” and “malevolent”. Yet no one remembers any of it!