Boble V: Chronicles of Scary Things in Your Future, part two
Chapter Three
The Great Temple
Once the sixteen month waiting and processing period to retrieve the Holy Satchel was completed, Dil placed it in what would soon become his great temple. For the moment, however, it was simply the House of Luan.
Dil paced around the Holy Satchel every day, staring at it with awe. This holy relic had suffered through a great history, and now he possessed it. He would display it for all the Hebos to witness, but first he needed to figure out any religious zoning laws. Thus it was that Dil called upon the prophet Nate.
“Nate the snake, big bad prophet!” Dil gave him a high-five.
“Blessed be,” Nate replied, flipping on his purple-tinted, rectangular sunglasses of prophethood.
Dil screwed up his eyes, glancing sideways at Nate. “Your witch girlfriend is getting into your head, eh?”
“What did I say?” Nate seemed lost for a minute.
“You said ‘blessed be’.”
“Damn, sorry. Look, she may be a witch but she has incredible abdominal muscle control.”
Dil was silent for a moment, staring blankly. Then he blinked and returned his gaze to the Satchel. “Nate, what are the exact principles involved when it comes to building a temple? I mean, I don’t want to have the whole thing kicked out from under my ass like the Tower of Bobel.”
“Square and functional. Ugly is okay, BOB won’t look upon ugly structures.”
“How about a three story square block with a flat roof and a beige paint job?” Dil asked.
Nate shuddered, “Well…that will protect you from BOB’s notice, sir…but…”
“Then it shall be done!” Dil decreed. “But first we must be absolutely certain of peace! Prepare the imperial armies.”
Nate leaned close to Dil’s ear, “But, my lord, we’ve already wiped out all the opposing tribes in the area – “
Dil raised his hands to the ceiling, “They are still out there, my friend. Pollutants, threatening our wives and daughters. They must be purged. We must be purified.”
Nate hurried off to prepare the imperial army.
On the third day of the Feast of Amman-Ra and the Fourteen Screen Cineplex, Dil lead his troops out to battle. The story is a gripping tale of war, survival, sex and adventure. You could hardly put this book down if we were to include such a story – it would be better and more exciting than anything you have ever known.
Therefore, we’ve taken it out. In fact, for your own safety, we’ll take a brief interlude to Bob Heavens (where there is anti-climatic sausage).
BOB was sitting on the Holy Leather Couch in the Holy Sitting Room staring at the patterns on the ceiling. Beside him were two angel-minxes. On his left, a mousy little angel with fake red-hair read Angel’s Day magazine with apparent rapture. On his right, a much more solid looking naturally red-haired angel-minx methodically masturbated on the edge of the couch. After a while, BOB brought his attention to the writhing angel on his right. He hit her on the arm, shoving her off the edge of the couch and back into the cushions.
“I told you to stop that!” BOB snapped. The angel-minx cowered.
There was a moment of awkward silence while BOB rubbed at the edge of the couch with his napkin. Suddenly a door burst open and in came a vision of red headed loveliness.
BOB and the angel-minxes looked up as a third angel-minx strode into the room. She had a body to kill for, though it was hidden by folds of flowing, blue robes (the angel-minxes outdoors garments, rarely used). Her shock of red hair ran down over alabaster shoulders, and her unblemished face shined in the soft light of BOB’s sitting room. Her eyes were a magnificent green, glinting this way and that as they scanned the room for any other entities. Finding none, she swayed in front of BOB and saluted saucily.
“Binaca,” BOB muttered fondly, “Back so soon? Report.”
Binaca grinned widely, proud to have been charged with a mission. “I’ve finished the poll, oh BOB.” She cleared her throat, “A number of mortal women have pronounced feminist tendencies – “
“Lesbians,” BOB muttered.
“They seem to have taken in a false god.”
BOB stood up, pacing around the couch. “Tell me about this false god.”
“Well,” Binaca replied, ‘it’s more of a goddess, actually. An Earth Mother.”
BOB cocked his head sideways, “Earth Mother? What does she have to offer them that I don’t?”
Binaca cleared her throat again, “They, the mortal women, feel that they must escape your cruel masculine yoke. That’s, uh, what they said…” She looked nervous.
“Nonsense!” BOB roared, “I’m fair to women. I’ve given you all positions of authority.”
The mousy angel-minx looked up from her magazine, “That’s because all the male angels are either on extended vacation or were told to ‘work from home’ which, by the way, they aren’t doing.”
“There is going to be very little sausage for you, girl, if you don’t shut up!” BOB snapped viciously.
“You see, that’s what they’re talking about,” Binaca said.
BOB turned on her, but then stopped himself. He looked down at his feet, “Maybe you’re right. Been stressful up here the past few hundred years… I could stand a vacation myself. I should be the one working from home, anyway…” BOB looked up at Binaca, “I’d like to meet this Earth Mother goddess whatever thing.”
Binaca rounded her full lips, “Ooh…” she was so sexy, “I don’t know about that, boss.”
BOB stepped up, grabbed Binaca’s creamy, exposed shoulders and massaged them gently. “Binaca, my sweet red-headed pepperminty angel. Have our legal angel call this Earth Goddess Mother person. I want to meet her… And I want you to follow this basic logic,” BOB clicked his tongue, spun Binaca around so they were both facing the most distant wall in the room, “I am BOB. I created the Earth. Thus, the Earth Mother is a subordinate. Now get to it!”
“Her name’s Kraal and – “ Binaca was saying, and BOB froze.
“What?”
“My BOB?”
“What’s her name?”
“Kraal.”
“Kraal?”
“Yes, my great BOB!”
“Are you sure she’s an ‘Earth-Mother’?”
“That’s what she said, wondrous BOB.”
“Kraal the Earth-Mother?”
“Yes.”
“Hmmm. Okay. Well, get to work!” he pushed Binaca away from him and she kept up the pace, sprinting out of the room and out of sight.
* * * *
Back to the story! Dil was advancing in years, ruling the unified lands of the Hebos with an iron fist. Dil’s reign was long so when his son – Sockit2him – came of age to rule the throne he was forced to stand by idly. Thus it was that Dil’s son traveled West and became involved with the porn industry. His stage name – Suck Hymen – is used liberally throughout the original Boble texts. Suck Hymen was a fair and kind man, and he would surely fit into the monarchy well. Suck Hymen was greatly favored by Dil, and given charge of the great temple which Dil was building for the Holy Satchel. For Dil knew that his reign was soon to be finished.