Boble IV: Various Kings epilogue, from the 1997 “Second Revised Edition”
Throughout the life of the Boble, I printed several “editions.” All done by hand — spiral binding from the office supply store and a xerox machine. The first editions of the Boble that were distributed were the “Anarchistic Red” and “Intellectual Black” copies (referring to the color of the binders, which I shoplifted) in 1990. Then I did the spiral binding in 91 with the First Edition of “The Most Holy Boble.” A Second Edition came out two years later, which sold for $5 a copy and actually earned $500. Which, considering the cost to produce it, kind of outstrips my current book sales.
1993 also saw the completion of the “New Testicle,” and so the First Revised Edition was released, only selling a few copies. Over the following years, I went back and fleshed out the last of the Old Testicle with the plot to install Bob Jr. as the messiah, and this took the form of several sections set with Bob, or in Bob Heavens, where he and his cohorts put the plan together. Or some, like the below, were just pure filler (I was obsessed with page counts in the mid 90’s). I edited out a page of shit that didn’t make sense, so if you’re one of the two people who still has an old Boble, you can see what I’m hiding from you!
Various Kings & Other Absolute Monarchs: Epilogue
(Camera Two)
Dean: …and we’re back. Uh, BOB, I’m wondering if you can clear up this whole buttermilk biscuit thing…?
BOB: Well, Dean, it’s actually quite simple. It all began on Tuesday night when EVE was mixing –
Dean: Oh! Sorry, Big Guy, I’ve got a caller on line one. Sheila Parker, and she desperately needs to talk to you.
(Camera One)
BOB: Certainly, Dean. Go ahead Sheila. This is BOB.
Caller: …lo? Hello? BOB? Am I speaking to BOB?
BOB: Yes Sheila, this is BOB.
(Camera Two)
Dean: And Dean!
Sheila: Well, BOB, are you the one who calls all the shots?
BOB: Yes, Sheila…
Sheila: I mean – I mean, Are you…God?
BOB: Well, Sheila, we try not to use that term anymore in Bob Heavens –
Dean: Um-ummm! Where there’s ROBUST sausage!
BOB: Um, yes Dean. Anyway, Sheila, we try not to use that term anymore. I’d rather you consider me your Big Brother. Perhaps “Supreme Reality”.
Sheila: Well then, BOB, are you the Supreme Reality?
BOB: Actually, on second thought, I try to stay away from reality. Today, let’s use the phrase “Undetermined Totality”.
Sheila: Then, BOB, are you the Grand Supreme Undetermined Totality of the universe?
BOB: Yes. Yes I am.
Sheila: Well, then, fuck you! You killed my husband!
BOB: Oh, thanks Sheila. You call up god and tell him to fuck off and then think you can laugh about it afterward? I’ll get you. I know where you live. I’ll come over there and eat your dog, you little…”
Dean: Um, BOB, Big Guy, alot of critics believe there is some discontinuity in the last few chapters of the Boble.
BOB: Besides…Sheila the Damned… Your husband was asking for it.
Dean: Um…
BOB: Yes, Dean. To your question… There is a certain cryptic feel to the last part of this particular chapter. Damn thing hardly makes sense to me, actually. But I like to read it. Gives me a funny headache. Makes me want to do funny things and, being god, I can do funny things. I can bug you without even touching you, Dean.
Dean: (laughs) No you can’t.
BOB: Yes I can. Does this bug you Dean? I’m not touching you, Dean…
Dean: Okay… Okay. Stop. Please?
BOB: Anyway, any other questions?
Dean: We have another caller.
(Camera one)
BOB: Ooohhhh…
(Camera Two)
Dean: Go ahead caller.
Caller Two: This is Justin.
Dean & BOB: Hello Justinian.
Justin: Just Justin. Anyway, I was wondering about women. Um, BOB. How does one attract red-headed angel-minxes with pepperminty goodness between their legs.
BOB: For mortals, a fine female will do. Take any flavor, Justine…but if you’re obsessed, I suggest a bottle of red hair dye and a peppermint flavored douche.
Dean: They make those? The douche, I mean? And it’s Justin.
BOB: Cherry, peppermint, all flavors. If you go to the right stores you can find one. Take a shower, peppermint douche, your boyfriend will be eating you out for hours girls.
Justin: So how do I attract them?
BOB: Try licking your eyebrows.
Dean: Old joke.
BOB: Okay, okay. Sorry. Try rewriting the Boble into a clever and sarcastic text. Work on it for over a decade, then mass produce it without editing it. If the right girls suffer through it, they’ll flock to you. They’ll write fan letters asking for signed copies and, before you know it, five thousand copies of your parody Boble will be spread across the globe and you won’t have earned a cent. But if you get laid, more power to you.
Dean: And with that, we’re out of time. Thank you for joining us today. BOB, thank you.
BOB: Thank you, Dean.
(Camera Two)
Dean: And goodnight, America.
BOB: (Off camera) Up yours, America.
(Theme music, credits, fade to commercial)