Boble II: Exit, Stage Everywhere, Part V

Chapter Five
“The Sixteen and a Half Commandments”

Finally, the Hebos arrived at Mount Rushmore, and looked up past old Abe’s nose at a particularly convincing Hollywood lightning display.

“What now, boss?” the Hebos asked of Blo.

“Well…” Blo murmured, not entirely sure of what to do himself.  “I guess I should go up to the top of the mountain and see what’s up with that lightning display,” he glanced up at the stunning special effect – knowing that only BOB could afford such a big budget show.

“You’re going up there?” a fellow Hebo asked.

“Yeah, why not?” Blo replied.

“Because – well, about BOB…” the Hebo indicated a mental state of despair through a complicated set of hand gestures.

Blo bristled, “And what makes you want to call the great one a lunatic?!”

The Hebo shrugged, “Could be that he’s left us out here to wander the desert without any defined goal.  Could also be that the only contact any of us have had with him has been…well, questionable at best.  All he’s done is shout through a bullhorn at us, make hollow promises, and forget about our existence for months at a time.”

“He is a little absent-minded,” Blo allowed, “but that doesn’t mean we should stray from his flock.”

The Hebo rolled his eyes, “Look, some of the boys are getting together and worshipping a meaningless golden idol.  It’s actually strangely cathartic.  Now you can go up to that mountaintop and see what BOB has to say, but we’re going to stay down here and start over from scratch.”

Blo nodded, “I will return with proof of BOB’s loyalty to us.”

So Blo walked through the crowd of Hebos and began to climb the mountain.  He reached the top after two days of arduous travel and looked about.

A camera crew was filming, with Charlton Heston directing.  F/X men with sheet metal and strobe lights simulated a heavenly storm.  In a leather chair, BOB lounged as only the supreme grand being of the universe could.

“My BOB!” Blo said, falling to his knees.  He looked at the grand vision of BOB, whose majestic hair blew back in the simulated wind.  Two darkly clad men flanked BOB, those being his disciples whom he created before the Earth and Man.  At BOB’s feet, Mistress Eve blew kisses towards Blo.

BOB smirked. “Howdy, Blo.  You’ve been a pretty studly guy, thus have I decided to give you…”

One of the disciples stepped forward and spoke in a practiced announcer’s voice: “This luxury manor house in the city of Studly Town!  And…a million dollars towards the purchase of a million dollars.”

There was a long pause, where BOB looked blankly at the grinning disciple.  Finally, he shook his head and leapt up from the chair, striding over to Blo.

“Actually, I want to give you this.”  He handed over twelve coconuts, covered in scrawl.  “The sixteen and a half commandments that the entire human race shall follow forevermore.  Mistress Eve engraved the words with her tongue!”

“Thank you BOB,” Blo replied.

“Now, no matter what my son says in a thousand years, I am a mean and wicked God who is jealous, and I may just become violently angry if these commandments are disobeyed…you understand?”

Blo smiled nervously, and then nodded – unable to speak in the presence of BOB’s full glory.

As the film crew left with BOB, Blo read through the command­ments:

Thou shalt not convert rock music into classical music
Thou shalt not accept Watchtower magazine from Jehovah’s Witnesses
Thou shall trespass as much as possible on Mormon territory
Thou shalt not write a parody of The Boble
Thou shall fornicate profusely
Thou shall tease people named Edgar Wilhelm Bravedick III, Esquire
Thou shalt not read this one
Thou shall spend free time pursuing women (or sex)
Thou shalt not conform to society
Thou shall kidnap and torture any policemen in your neighborhood
Thou shalt never drink diet soda
Thou shalt never question BOB (unless through the Complaint Department)
Thou shall tap dance only in the nude
Thou shall take many Jell-o baths with thy neighbor’s wife and goods
Thou shall wear mainly black, with deep purple-reflective sunglasses
Thou shall be cool and accepting of all that is cool except High School Freshmen such as False Rob
And the final, half-commandment, read:
Thou shalt never touch mon—

The rest is lost because EVE ran out of space.

And so Blo gathered the coconuts and journeyed back down to the Hebos.