Boble II: Exit, Stage Everywhere II

Chapter Two
“Slithery Staff, Bloody Water, Ozzie and Harriet Kill and Kill Again”

BOB continued. “Let’s give this a test run.  Okay?  Ready?  Blo says the words and Erin translates for public consumption.  So, let’s begin: I want you to go to the Fayro and say -”

Blo uttered the words and Erin translated on cue, “We are Hebos; let our people go.”

“Excellent!” BOB barked and the burning bush flared.  “And, assuming the Fayro will tell you where to stick it, have Blo beat his staff upon the ground.  Thus shall I deliver a curse upon the Fayro, and, in witness to my power, he shall let the Hebos go.  I am BOB and I love my people…though I did drown them all once…but…well, there was…well, you know.”

“Yeah,” Erin replied, “We got it.”

“Good, good.” BOB replied, “Because…I mean…”

“Yes, yes!  We know.”

So Blo and Erin went to the Fayro where, because of Blo’s status, they were able to meet with Adolf right away.

The Fayro was pouring over maps and playing with little plastic army figures, “Ah, my adopted grandson. What do you have for me today?”

“We’re Hebos, and we demand that you let our people go, you Middle Eastern pig-dog.” Blo said and Erin translated.


The Fayro’s adjutant looked dumbfounded, “You told the guard at the gate you were selling candy for your college.”

“That was just to get our foot in the door,” Erin explained.

The Fayro nodded, thinking that this woman – despite her Heboishness – was looking very shaftable.  The translators would like to avoid mentioning the Fayro’s pornographic thoughts, as The Boble is a work intended to bring the word of BOB to people everywhere in a friendly and politically correct nature.

“So no candy?” the Fayro leered.

Erin replied haughtily, “No! We are political activists here to demand that you free the enslaved Hebos.”

“Why?” the Fayro asked.

“Why?  Well…” Erin looked around, then thought of her answer and shot it back, “A bush told us to do this.”

“Yeah?” the Fayro replied.

“Our BOB demands it!” Erin added.

“Your BOB doesn’t really watch after you.  He’s off on vacation all the time, he doesn’t watch out for what happens, and he lets evil run rampant throughout the world.”

Oh, he’s got us there. Blo thought.

“Besides,” the Fayro continued, “I don’t really believe he’s a supreme deity.  More like a some guy deity.”

Erin glanced at Blo, who was looking a little worried.  She shook her head, then spoke in harsh words, “Then we will make you believe in BOB’s supremacy!”

Blo beat his staff on the ground and said something akin to `behold’, but it came out real funny.  Erin didn’t bother to translate since a thousand little garter snakes appeared instantly and Blo cried out again.  Blo was deathly afraid of snakes, so he hopped into Erin’s arms and gritted his teeth while the snake-curses slithered around the throne room.

“Neat,” the Fayro replied.  “But, since my regime dabbles in the black arts, I can countermand this curse and show you how it’s done.”  Thus he called his court sorcerers who turned their staves into long pieces of polished wood.

“There,” the Fayro said, pointing to the polished wood, “see?”

Erin and Blo were then removed from the palace grounds.

So Blo returned to BOB.

“Well?” asked BOB.

“What the hell do you think, garter-snake boy?” Blo snarled, his words translated by the grace of BOB.

“They bested us.” Erin reported, “The Fayro called in magicians of his own who brought powerful staves.  The magicians then turned their staves into staves and back.”

“Oh well, we’ll try again.” BOB said, the bush sparking modestly.  “give me a little while to think of something even more impressive.”

So Erin and Blo took five.  Blo went and compulsively washed his hands until they were raw, while Erin called up a girl she knew and tried to talk her into a date.  Erin wasn’t a man yet, but she could still fist a bitch like the best of them.

“Hey, Tabby,” Erin said as soon as the target answered the phone.

Tabby was pissed, “What are you doing calling me on the phone before the damn thing’s even been invented?”

Erin smiled at the receiver, “The Boble is so full of inconsistencies, I can’t see where a little phone call can hurt.  Besides, I’m a key player.”


“Yeah, open up to the book of Exit; Stage Everywhere and see.”

Erin heard the rustling of pages, then Tabby said, “Holy shit, Erin.  I’m in here too!”

“Yeah,” Erin replied, “Say, what are you doing with a Boble so close? Are you one of those born-again types?”

“No!” Tabby laughed, “I’m just like most women: BOB rocks my boxers.”

“Well…right, then.”

“So what do you want?” Tabby asked.

“Oh, I – uh – was wondering if you’d like to go out and – uh – that is, I mean… Would you like to go out and – uh – fuck?  Or something?” Erin was never good at asking women out.  She was even worse with guys, but, oddly enough, guys responded to her more willingly.

Tabby was hesitant, obviously wanting to avoid the situation.  “Oh, I’m sorry Erin…I – uh – have to take a shower…”

“I can join you,” Erin replied.  “Or maybe afterwards?”

“Oh, no… Afterwards, I – uh – have to write a letter to my shampoo company and tell them how pleased I am with their product.”

Erin sniffed, rejected again.  She tried to say goodbye without her voice breaking, and then she went into the bathroom and cried for an hour.  Then she went out for ice cream.

When she returned, she went by way of the burning bush, where BOB had appeared in a deck chair. He was drinking a blue mixed drink and playing pinochle with Blo.

“Oh, Erin!” BOB said, “Thank me, you’re back.  I can’t understand a fucking word Blo says.”

“Griy!” Blo shouted.

“He said `gin’.” Erin said, shaking slightly, as she sat down next to Blo.

BOB blinked, confused.  “But we’re not playing gin…”

“So what’s next?” Erin asked.

“Oh, yeah – “ BOB reached into the pocket of his leather bomber jacket and pulled out a piece of paper.  The sun reflected off the white surface, so BOB put on his purple-reflective reading glasses, “Uh… Go back to the Fayro, give him the same message, and then hit your staff against the floor if he doesn’t cooperate.  Be near that fancy fountain of his that flows throughout the entire palace.”

“Near the fountain?”

“Uh-huh,” BOB grinned malevolently.

So Blo went to the Fayro, and Erin delivered the message.

The Fayro replied, “I kicked you out once, don’t make this a habit.  The answer is, of
course, no.  I need the Hebo’s to build my arch of triumph, through which my glorious troops will march after their baptism of fire. That will be the beginning of the thousand year -“

“Excuse me,” Erin interrupted.

The Fayro composed himself. “Yes, well…  It’s hard to find good ‘field employees’ these days.”

“Then it will be!” translated Erin, “Behold the wrath of BOB!”

Blo touched the fountain with his staff and it turned bloody.

The Fayro, realizing that combating this couple’s dementia was impossible, had Erin and Blo removed from the palace grounds.

The Hebos were no closer to freedom.