Evil Aliens: Motivational Farming Music
Writing about Jake West’s Evil Aliens begins with the memory of a drunken night in Tunbridge Wells, driving in lunatic circles, looking for the sites where Razor Blade Smile was filmed. Razor Blade was West’s first foray into film and I own it mainly because I really like to see Eileen Daly smother her phenomenal tits in green blood. It’s also an essential for the Vampire Library, if you’re the type of guy who’s building up a vampire film library. You might not be. In fact, it might be weird to do so. It is, however, healthy to become so obsessed with Eileen Daly that the only clear thought you can summon during Razor Blade Smile is: “Gosh, I think I’ve completed my Vampire Library.”
And: “I’ll pause on the lesbian scene and masturbate for a little while. Again.”
Jake West moved on to a star-studded career in…nothing, really. But in 2005, he returned with the self-masturbatory, pop-cult reference-addled Evil Aliens. And, this time, he had some more money, a better idea, and more hot chicks.
Is it safe to say that Jake West is the unsung hero of modern gore-fest goofball nonsense? The second coming of old school Sam Raimi and long ago Peter Jackson? Yes, absolutely. This is the shit people like me clamored for 17 years ago, pouring through stacks of videos and getting dubs of dubs of dubs from that Chinese guy in third period, finally scoring some weird-ass Hong Kong shit, or some 8mm Raimi movie, and peering through the lowest screen quality on Earth on a TV built in the 70’s in a darkened basement with volume low so as not to wake the ‘rents. Look at that, dude! He ate her eyeballs! Pass the Jolt cola!
Nowadays this stuff is casually dumped on DVD and, in the case of Evil Aliens, I downloaded the movie in about 30 minutes. “Why the download?” You ask indignantly, because you’re calling from Jake West’s office. Because it’s not yet on DVD. Like The Descent, we here in the United States of Love have to wail and gnash our teeth till the poor quality vanilla DVD finally shows up in Region One.
Meanwhile, a million movies just like this work of genius are cranked out. Listen to me: Dog Soldiers failed in the US because of this absurd Region One delay. Ginger Snaps ruled the roost and stole the “revival of the werewolf genre” title simply because it was a North American movie. That title belonged to Dog Soldiers.
Anyway, Eileen Daly… No, no. Evil Aliens. She’s not in it. (Emily Booth is our set of tits in this one, and she doesn’t smother them in green blood, but she is a better actress.) We begin in the middle of a stone circle in Wales, a young couple enjoying themselves are picked up and zapped onto an alien spaceship where we get a good, solid ass-drilling and spray of blood. No flinching, either. Keep it rolling…steady…steady. Give me those Jackson Bad Taste flashbacks. Except Jackson’s gore comes from an era when it was still comical. This is a new century, sunshine. Let’s spend the extra dollar on that shit-riddled bloody gore.
There’s an alien invasion going on, and on top of the situation is “Foxy” Michelle Fox, host of the TV show Weird World. She’s a tits-out brunette worth starting minor wars for and is pressured by her blood sucking boss (played by Red Dwarf’s Norman Lovett} into breaking a huge story to build viewership. She sets out for a desolate isle off the coast of Wales to investigate a spate of UFO sightings and abductions. Along for the ride: The low rent filmmaker, the idiot soundman, the cross-dressing and extravagantly homosexual actor, the porn star and the geek UFO specialist.
The comparison to early Jackson isn’t a deep observation on my part. The movie contains obvious nods to Jackson, as well as to dozens of other notable horror, gore and sci-fi flicks. You almost need a dictionary of pop references to follow along. You’ll be fine, though, if you’re a guy who’s building genre libraries and spends Friday nights watching downloaded B movies from England.
And the poor Welsh. The English, knowingly, cast the Welsh into the same shadow that falls over the most extreme view of a West Virginia hillbilly. Multiplied for true comic effect, the Welsh farm boys in Evil Aliens give The Hills Have Eyes family a run for their money, complete with a shotgun crazy, scar-faced, mangled-eyeball brother who communicates with grunts and shouts. A movie like this needs three heroic, inbred Welsh farmers, though. Their stupendously ridiculous confrontation with the aliens is a cross between the best of Evil Dead II and Dead-Alive, with a spaghetti western flavor.
This one has everything you need. The truly gruesome. I flinched a few times, and I’ve seen men crawl up their mother’s vaginas. I’ve seen dwarves rape women with knobby canes and SS wives peel the skin off of American POW’s. I’ve seen eyeballs explode and testicles removed. And that was just Sunday mornings on Channel 50. This one had me warm inside. It restored my faith in gore.
We’ve got our tits-at-large Michelle Fox, a cheap and adorable slut. We’ve got a group of idiot guys getting laid, doing coke and mocking the geek relentlessly. There’s chainsaw-fu, bow and arrow action, a porn starlet with a bandolier and a shotgun, beautiful girls covered in slime, crucifixion, impalement, rape, torture, alien impregnation, copious amounts of semen, S&M alien sex, decapitation, eye-popping, dismemberment, “motivational farming music,” and mass destruction with farm equipment. And that’s all in the first hour.
Curiously, the porn star is only sexy when she’s armed to the teeth. She’s a mouse next to Michelle Fox but, man, give her a shotgun and that determined look and she’s a bang-up baby. She’s even more sexy after her shirt gets ripped off and she switches the shotgun for a killer lawn edger.
Yeah. Find this movie.
Nacho’s rum rating: “This is just Day of the Dead without the helicopter!”
This one gets all four stars. And, remember, if the possessed pregnant lady gets out of hand when she goes into labor, have the ditsy porn starlet deliver some solid fucking punches to her stomach. She’ll go down.