Cult Culture: Return of the Living Dead III
Hi, I’d like to talk about Mindy Clark’s ass. I’ve been obsessed with it since 1993. And, I mean, truly obsessed. Like a Jessica Alba level of obsession. I’m so glad they gave Alba’s ass its own show. Of course, it got cancelled after two years because there’s only so much that Jessica Alba’s ass can do as an actress.
Anyway! Mindy Clark, who is currently old enough to be Jessica Alba’s mother, had a great ass back in 1993. She’s Melinda Clark now that she’s all growed up and, I bet, you’ve seen her in countless character roles through the years. She’s one of those “Oh yeah, her!” actresses.
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RotLD3 picks up where RotLD2 left off, where… Well, RotLD2 sucks ass, so it’s not worth talking about. And I mean it sucks Val Kilmer ass, not Jessica Alba ass. Part 3 is a little better: Pretty girl dies, pretty girl becomes a zombie, idiot hero goes to hell to save her, comedy adventure ensues. Right, that’s all that needs to be said. Review over. Let’s talk about Jessica Alba…
Okay, sorry. We’ll talk about Sarah Douglas, who plays Col. Sinclair. She’s a goddamned pretty girl and, incredibly, she has an ass! It’s like some sort of cosmic conjunction…all these girls with asses. She’s another one of those “Oh yeah, her!” actresses. Always good to see her on board. No! Wait, the story. We’ll talk about the story.
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The original <i>Return of the Living Dead</i> came out in 1985 and, tongue firmly in cheek, billed itself as part of the famous Romero series of zombie films. Loosely set after Romero’s <i>Night of the Living Dead</i>, the zombie menace had been successfully controlled by our noble government. The zombies, indestructible, were stored in oil barrels and hidden throughout the country. We saw that plot device copied shamelessly for the update of <i>War of the Worlds</i>, which ran as a TV series from 1988 to 1990.
One night, at a local morgue, two yahoos accidentally wake up them there zombies and guess what? Comedy terror ensues. To become a zombie, you simply need to breathe the anti-marijuana gas in some way. Once that happens, then you die, wake up, and have a powerful hunger for liiiive braaaaiiinnnsss!!! Your quest for live brains takes you through three movies, with a fourth one, directed by Tobe Hooper, in post production! Lord deliver us. RotLD is a comedy. It’s the <i>Saturday the 14th</i> of zombie films. Huh? What’s <i>Saturday the 14th</i>? Well, kids, you know <i>Scream</i>? Okay, so take the same script from <i>Saturday the 14th</i> and film it with a larger budget 15 years later and you have <i>Scream</i>. Amazing. Why do we even need writers anymore? Just change the title, bill it as your own, and you’re good to go.
RotLD ends with the famous “contingency plan” gag, where Chicago or Detroit or wherever the stupid movie is set is nuked out of existence. That only serves to spread the zombie virus through the air, which is where RotLD2 picks up. But we’re not going to talk about that movie. I’d rather discuss Sandy Bullock’s ass.
In an attempt to regain lost profits after part two, RotLD3 hit in 1993. It didn’t do well, but it took a nice artistic turn in that it developed a zombie sub culture.
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Mindy Clark plays what we would consider a “goth chick” in modern times. In 1994, she would be classified as “neo-punk.” Think Samantha Mathis in <i>Pump Up the Volume</i>. Same thing. Mindy runs into some trouble because she’s a rebellious girl who likes sex. Tsk, tsk, young lady. The great Kent McCord plays our idiot hero’s disapproving military father. He was also the disapproving military father in <i>Farscape</i>, so it’s a particular thrill to see him on the screen. Of course, he’s been in everything.
So while Mindy gets naked, the secret yet underfunded Pentagon research center is working on the zombies captured from the previous movies. Sarah Douglas vamps her way through the continuing analysis of the living dead and we learn why they are the living dead and why they need live brains. Apparently, the US government spilled a secret chemical and that started everything. Now, the Pentagon is seeking a “humane” way to cure the problem and see that “some good” comes from the “horrible things” that have happened. Good thing Sarah Douglas has been assigned to the task force, because her job is to build super soldiers. But, ssshhh! Secret!
Just in case you think the RotLD series is losing its comic bent, rest assured. The reason for the creation of the zombie chemical was to combat marijuana in 1969. “We were going to use it as a weapon against the war on marijuana…but something went wrong!” Tee-hee! The gist of the first two films is covered during the weapon against marijuana speech, which lasts about 45 seconds. Honestly, that’s all you need. You can watch RotLD3 without bothering to find the first two on the shelves. Is it a bad thing that two movies can be summed up in 45 seconds? Nah! These are classics!
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So with the dead walking the Earth for the last 30 years because of Nixon’s foolish war on marijuana, you can bet that Mindy Clark’s evening with her idiot boyfriend isn’t going to go smoothly. But not before we get to see how long her tongue is. The plotline makes no sense, but that’s something noticeable from the first seven minutes, so that’s okay. Mindy gets rubbed out because her idiot boyfriend (our idiot hero) can’t drive a motorcycle while getting a handjob. Come on! Every guy learns how to handle that one. Grief stricken, our idiot hero sneaks into his father’s lab and zombifies Mindy. They flee the Keystone Government troops and get in trouble in the sewers beneath LA. What ensues? Comedy, piercing, gore, sex, nipples and brain eating.
Mindy Clark and others provide a stunning commentary on the DVD – discussing nudity before the titles are finished. “Can’t get naked now, I’m a mother. Actually, I guess my child will see this eventually.” To which the director replies, “I wanted to get Sarah Douglas naked, as well. I’ve always wanted to see her naked. She said no.” Now that’s how a commentary should begin.
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<b>Nacho’s gin rating:</b> Ode to Mindy Clark
The sparkling green eyes!<br>
The pillowed lips!<br>
The fantastic body!<br>
The weird hair!<br>
The caked on makeup!<br>
Oh! Mindy Clark!<br>
I love you!<br>
Four stars – one for each of Mindy’s breasts, one for Sarah and another as a general gore bonus.
Watch out for: Mindy tits, paper-rock-scissors and zombie fu. By the way, between you and me, it’s probably not a great idea to bring your punk rock girlfriend back as a flesh-eating, invincible zombie.