Van Damme Action

You can always tell when James is in a bad mood, because he does crazy
things when driving. Earlier this evening, he veered his blue Nova
towards a couple of Canada Geese. Every spring, you get those damn
birds wandering around parking lots and shopping malls acting like they
own the place. You can drive right up to them and they’ll just give you
that “fuck you” stare that animals like to do.

We ended up at this bar with a name that you can’t pronounce.
It’s actually an internet café, but they serve booze and we hadn’t yet
been in there. The place was full of those low-grade wanna be hippies
that vote for Nader because they’re too witless to approach politics
responsibly. I don’t know how the place stayed in business because all
of those Nader kids avoid alcohol, either because of imagined
alcoholism or because they get weepy after one beer which makes guys
like James and I start pummeling them with bottles.

The bartender refused to give James two Rolling Rocks at once. He said
you had to finish one beer before you ordered another. The first
attempt to outfox this strange rule failed when James asked for a
Rolling Rock and a Bass, but our side won through when James ordered a
Rolling Rock, a vodka tonic, and a JD with coke. The bartender was
momentarily confused, then he set about to mixing the drinks. James
finished his Rolling Rock before the JD was ready, ordered another and
stuffed the harder stuff into my hands. We selected a seat far away
from everyone else and glared at each other for a moment. Then James
told me that he’d like to cut through this place like Jean Claude van
Damme.

“And what happened to old J.C., anyway?” he asked.

“Ah!” I said, knocking back the JD and coke, “He’s alive and well and direct to video.”

Even though Jean Claude helped usher John Woo into America with Hard Target
(back before Woo got lazy and betrayed us all), his mainstream release
career fizzled shortly after Jean-Claude Van Damme aaannnddd…Jean
Claude Van Damme in Double Team. He had a minor comeback in the remarkably painful sequel to Universal Soldier,
but that was an exception to what had become the rule as we entered the
new century…where Van Damme has no place on the big screen alongside
superstars like Vin Diesel. But, since 1998, he’s put out some
fantastic direct to video releases. Superior, in fact, to most of his
mainstream flicks.

When judging Van Damme’s multitude of direct to video releases, there
are three distinct tiers. The surprisingly great flicks worth your
time, the films designed to give Van Damme fans like me a chance to see
his ass and the utter shit. Sorry, I meant that my ex girlfriend Eileen
likes to look at his ass. I would never look at his ass.

The high quality movies include the superior Knock-Off
where Van Damme plays a criminal with a heart of gold, dealing in
knock-off swap meet clothing illegally exported out of Hong Kong or
somewhere. The film, itself, is a knock-off of early Jackie Chan kung
fu comedies, but it works through and through. Even with Rob Schneider.
Legionnaire is a stunning moment of film – a gritty, impressive
tale of the French Foreign Legion getting themselves into rough times.
It’s an unexpectedly well constructed period drama, and recommended
even for non J.C. fans.

Desert Heat is one of those go to see his ass flicks. You also
get a couple of hookers, one of whom gives us a fairly graphic scene.
The blue eyed lead chick is way hot, too. Desert Heat is an update of Last Man Standing which was an update of the Kurosawa classic Yojimba. Marnie Alton is beautiful, though never naked, in the PG-13 Replicant
which is homosexual sci-fi from hell. Anytime we get lingering shots on
J.C. cumming in his pants, you’ve got to wonder. That one edges down to
crap, but Marnie and the otherwise entertaining sci-fi stuff saves it
in the end.

The Order pits J.C. against weird Illuminati type folks in
Israel. A strangely pleasing waste of time, with Charlton Heston,
swordplay and plenty of fight scenes. Derailed, however, is like spewing someone else’s vomit.

There are a few others, but those are the leading examples of post
action star J.C. He cranks a couple out each year, so we’ll be seeing
more of him, I’m sure.

“He must have a strong fan base…” James muttered, leaning back in the
booth and watching a granola girl who looked like Connie Nielson in One Hour Photo.

“It warms my heart, James. You just don’t expect people to give a damn anymore about the low grade stuff.”

Then James smiled and told me that the Jean Claude Van Damme twin movie was Double Impact and that Double Team
was the flick with Dennis Rodman. With a sinking fear, I realized that
one of the “strong J.C. fans” was sitting right across from me. I’d
been tricked!

We had to spend the rest of the night talking about Van Damme ass shots.