Archive Saturday: In Flew Enza
Archive Saturday: Shit from the old webpage.”And In Flew Enza”
It’s always winter somewhere in the world…
Shut up!
It’s always winter somewhere in the world, just like it’s always night
at some point in the day. While influenza, also known as the “flu,”
isn’t necessarily brought about because of the oh-co-chilly weather, 9
out of 10 doctors do agree that the dreadful virus seems to enjoy the
chilly willy times. Those cold months when all the rosy-cheeked minions
of the world shuffle from their pathetic jobs to their pathetic
gameshows every day, nipples erect, breath frosting in the air, legs
unshaved.
“In temperate regions,” says Doctor Martin D. Williamsburg, “that is,
regions possessing a temperature, the peak circulation is among the
22-34 year old housewives. Roughly 4.1 million copies are printed
weekly and mailed out. For the flu virus, the peak circulation is in
the winter months. But don’t be fooled by supposed vitality – the flu
is with us year around. And it can kill! To learn how not to die
horribly like in ‘The Stand,’ you’ll want to subscribe to our
newsletter.”
The interesting thing is that the flu is a constant specter near the
equator. The equator is an imaginary line drawn by Sir Richard de la
Blau in 1403. It represents the course of the Moon’s shadow across the
face of the Earth.
Dr Williamsburg, nude except for his trademark fishing hat, had much to
say about influenza’s enduring presence in tropical areas, “In the
tropics, flu can be seen year round. Let’s assume the Earth is a globe.
In the middle of this globe, one can see outbreaks of the flu at any
time of day or night. But, most especially, Tuesday nights. Now, on
either side of the middle, you get the flu mostly in the winter. Go
figure.”
Flu experts keep up with the virus as it travels around the world. You
can often see them speeding along the flat highways of the American
interior and, if you’re a hardcore traveler, outside of Ronks,
Pennsylvania.
These experts have put forth claims which are often controversial and
always declared false by the Catholic Church. For example, some experts
have claimed that humidity, temperature, and people spending more time
indoors contribute to the spread of wintertime flu.
The official stand of the Catholic Church, however, is that the flu is spread by sin.
The flu, as is known by all who fear God, is a social disease.
Flu Virus A is spread by pre-marital sex. Symptoms include a fever,
gastric disturbance and a bizarre and inexplicable feeling of guilt on
the part of the female participant.
Flu Virus B is spread by the practice of so-called “safe” sex. That is,
sex where the true power of God and the miracle of procreation among
two married individuals is cruelly arrested by Satanic barriers such as
condoms, the birth control pill, and pulling it out at the last minute
then running to the window. Symptoms include, in addition to other
things, the knowledge that baby Jesus has frowned upon you.
Flu Virus C is found in the domain of the sodomites. To them, Humanity
is but a cheap tool to be used for their perverted desires. The
Sodomites – the Painted Men – are beyond the pale of Satanic barbarism.
They live in caves in the wilderness, coming into our cities to corrupt
our young altar boys. They not only tax our nation’s welfare system,
but they spread their insidious literary ideas amongst our youth. This
serves no other purpose but to turn our streets into havens for
wandering gangs of finger-snapping, lyrically inclined sodomaniacs.
May God have mercy on their souls.