Get Stuffed, Comrade!

I’m not the first to say it, but I do want to go on record. The coming
problem – the future crisis – isn’t in some desert oil nation. No, our
dalliance with the Mideast is only a minor distraction in between
serious trouble. Our coming problem is the new boss, same as the old
boss. Russia.

People laugh when I say that and, admittedly, I am typically
American. I read the first sentence of a news article, say fuck it, and
move on to something calm about dogs being slaughtered and eaten in
southeast DC as part of a Satanic suicide cult ritual. So maybe I’m
wrong. Best to assume that. But Russia’s turning bad, and I think we’re
doing it on purpose.

Oh, we’re friends now, right? Not really, sadly enough. We were moving
well with Bush I and Clinton, but then we sort of stalled. Not because
Bush II is a cunt, but because Russia is dominated by a man our media
openly refers to as a “benevolent autocrat.” That’s a cute one! Hey,
Hitler did good things, too. And, man, did Stalin know how to run a big
farm. Great moustache trimmers, those two. Loved them to bits. Can’t go
wrong.

Hearing Putin apologists is shocking to me. Not only is he an
authoritarian fuck who has quietly moved the country away from
democracy, but he just looks evil. At the very least you’d think we’d
distrust him because of that! Hell, we don’t like Fidel because of the
beard, how can Putin get away with his hatchet face? What are you doing
today, Weasel Man? Killing millions? Excellent, excellent. You’re very
benevolent, tra-la-la.

Now, by and large, who fucking cares? Good point. Except we’re doing strange things.

At the end of March, we added Bulgaria, Romania, Slovenia, Slovakia,
Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania to NATO which, I suppose, is reason to
celebrate or something. Yay NATO. I always wonder what NATO plans to do
if one of the member countries actually does get into trouble. You
know, World War style. If Estonia does something retarded or the
non-NATO world comes in on a secret treaty to blow up Latvia, what’s
the rest of NATO going to do? Are we going to rush in to help? I know
what the American public will think. You’ll have to tell us Bin Laden,
Hitler, Attila the Hun and Ted Kaczynski are having a summit meeting
somewhere in the Estonian countryside to get us in there.

What upsets me is that every NATO guide showing a map of member nations
also lists “the former Soviet Union.” Now, ain’t that a kick in the
teeth? And what about the new NATO states, all former Soviet dominated
countries? Are they the former-former Soviet Union? The most formerest?

NATO hasn’t existed for “North Atlantic security” since the 50’s. It’s
a Cold War hammer and everyone knows it. That means that our slow
encroachment right up to the borders of Russia is either (a) A clever
joke which Russia does not grasp or (b) A desperate attempt to get an
army in Moscow before next winter. I don’t see any other possible
explanation why we need to join up with Estonia, Bulgaria, Stinkyvania
or any of those corrupt shadow quasi-democracies whose primary export
is black market human organs. So this must be some sort of April Fool’s
thing we’re playing on Putin. “You’re surrounded! (long pause) Ha, ha,
ha! Come on, Vlad, I’ll buy you a drink. Whew, boy! You shoulda seen
your face!”

I wondered this same thing when the Czech Republic came in — why do we
need landlocked European nations in NATO? Nations that, historically,
have always been a buffer between the west and Russia? The only thing
we’re doing is boxing in snarky non-NATO people. I have no doubts that
Putin’s “benevolent autocracy” is going to freak out at some point.
Being a cynic, my conclusion is that NATO’s encroachment through Europe
is a big fuck you. Like, go ahead, Ivan, go nuts. We’ve got you for
real this time!

Now, I wouldn’t have noticed or cared except for the first sentence of
an article I read on March 29th. Russia, of course, is a bit miffed
about the NATO thing. Most places report that Russia is “uncomfortable”
with the expansion but “quietly tolerant.” That doesn’t jive with what
Konstantin Kosachyov, head of the international affairs committee in
Russia’s lower house of parliament said: “If significant NATO military
bases appear near Russia’s borders and change the balance of forces in
this region, then we can’t exclude the possibility that Russia will
consider the possibility of taking corresponding action so that the
balance is not breached…”

Asked, does he mean nuclear expansion, his answer was, yes, if necessary.

Oh my fucking God!

And that slips right by? The reporter is like, hmmm, so, anyway, I love your little dolls. Meanwhile, in Iraq…

I mean, as soon as he said yes, I expected to hear plates hit the
kitchen floor in the newsroom. We’re not worried? Here’s this hardcore
ex KGB fuck running a country where democracy is quietly failing
(because the people are monkeys), is impoverished, suffers from
widespread corruption and maintains a large military which has a “low
morale.” I like it when they say that. Aw, poor guys. Poor, murdering,
heavily armed, convinced that they should conquer the world in the name
of Communism former Red Army guys. Oh, and Putin’s sitting on the
remnants of a military machine which, while admittedly outdated
(though, thanks to us, not entirely so), can still burn the world to a
cinder. I feel the need to remind everyone of that fact. Like, if you
have the same amount of ICBM’s as Saddam had Republican Guards, which
should you fear more? You have ten minutes to complete your answer.

Rule number one: Don’t trust a country which constantly complains about
low morale in their bloated military. Let’s put the shoe on the other
foot. What would the world think if America were, say, tied up in a war
with Cuba in an obvious attempt to control territory and keep their
well-armed, low morale military distracted while, meanwhile, the
country was taken over by a “benevolent dictator” and, then, he turned
around and said that the encroachment of an European alliance was
pissing him off and a “serious threat”?

Go ahead. What would the world think? It would be mass hysteria. Yet, Russia falls below the radar.

“NATO’s steps have had an unfriendly character toward Russia.” Konstantin Kosachyov, again.

Is he just rattling a saber? Not really.

As you read this, we’re moving a fighter division into Lithuania.
What’s their job? Glad you asked. The American fighters will be
conducting regular reconnaissance missions near Russia’s border. Why?
No one knows but the Candy Man.

Also, as you read this, Russian jets are being moved into position.
They’ll be flying regular missions along the border, too. One, big,
happy family. Right?

Maybe Kosachyov is just a big, bad Ruskie, eh? No, he’s moved by this: “This is a development no one wanted.”

Well, somebody wants it, no? Perhaps Bush II is setting up the ultimate Kingmaker – a new Cold War.

“If a NATO plane violates the air space, shoot it down without ceremony
and be done with it. A warplane is a warplane. After all, they are not
flying for their own pleasure.” General Anatoly Kornukov. Pulls some
weight with the Russian Air Force which, of course, suffers from low
morale.

Meanwhile, Russia is also being boxed in by the EU, which expands dramatically in April, as well.

Now, this is as much their fault as ours. They’ve fallen away from
working closely with the West, and they seem to want nothing to do with
us. They’re glad for partnership, but not for these organizations. I
can understand that, but the more they cold shoulder us, the more we do
this kind of shit. While I don’t expect Russia to go nuts tomorrow, it
is beyond irresponsible for us to ignore the plight of these nations.
If every nation from the Ukraine to Central Asia turns into a tripped
out authoritarian state run by dictators and sitting on an
extraordinary amount of nuclear and conventional weapons, and ruling
over the people who can build more, then there’s an issue. Let’s talk
in modern terms. These are nations that could provide the ultimate home
to terrorism. Those aren’t little dust bunny countries over there,
kids. Imagine if, say, Georgia was home to Bin Laden and Bush went in
to topple them… Well, day one, World War III. Not only does Georgia
have full nuclear capability and a strong army, but an American, UN or
NATO attack would have to walk on eggshells or they’d pull all of those
former Soviet Republics right down on top of them. Would Putin stand
idle if we had to strike deep into what he and the people of Russia
consider their sphere of influence?

Already, Georgia and the Ukraine are the next nations to stand on the
balance. They are viewed as rightful parts of Russia and it’s just a
tiny hairline that keeps Putin from going after them. Hell, it’s just
the crisis in Chechnya that keeps him from moving in. And these are
nations that have quietly begged us for assistance, but we casually
ignore the situation. Europe doesn’t, but the US does, and that still
hurts when we blow something off. We got mad at Georgia and Ukraine
because we felt they weren’t using our financial aid to its full
potential, so we let them run dry and ignored further pleas.

Georgia just went through a non-violent revolution that re-introduced
democracy, but they’re a wreck after 14 years of gunplay and goofing
around. If they don’t get help, they’ll sink. Plain and simple. They’ll
either return to Russia or become the next freaked out shithole that
we’ll have to get involved in because they’re killing too many
children.

Ukraine has elections in a few months that could very well spell doom,
if they’re mishandled, or success for democracy, if the west takes
notice. There’s a weighty movement in the Ukraine to return to Russia,
and all Putin needs is an excuse to roll in there. An excuse such as,
say, a tinpot tyrant fucking people over. Keep the peace. Take over.
Easy. Hell, we do it for breakfast.

Oh, I’m sorry. I’m acting like I’m living life at the end of the
American Century and everything I believed in is crumbling around me in
the new and fearful America the Vincible. The truth is, though, that
it’s morning again in America! The Russians have just threatened a
military buildup in response to NATO encroachment, Putin’s democratic
values are called into question with every passing minute and everyone
has an axe to grind. Any day now — Cold War II! Terrorism falls by the
wayside and we stand toe to toe with Russia, Inc. Let’s pretend.

Then…what happens? A new economic bubble rises and we all start
making money again. We’ll be given a new sense of purpose and duty. The
poor and the disenfranchised will be drafted and head out to Estonia
and Bulgaria to shore up the borders. Cocaine will come back into
fashion. Bush will become lovable and amusing instead of terrifying and
evil. Red Menace movies like Red Dawn and Gotcha
will come back into fashion (WOLVERINES!!!!), we’ll get the chance to
wear friendship bracelets and buy Eastern-Europe-Aid CD’s featuring all
of our favorite artists.

Under the threat of M.A.D., we’ll be able to adopt a legitimate
fatalistic “Ground Zero” attitude that is the source of endless party
jokes and a cavalier attitude towards life.

We’ll stop reading about Iraq and start reading about Russian, Inc. spies every day.

Maybe there’ll be a skirmish in Latvia? A U2 shot down! You have 30
days to return the pilot…. Warships on the move. Where’s the pilot?
Today, we have footage of USAF Lieutenant Jerry Smith. “I love you
Stacey, I love my daughters.” Release Jerry Smith now! Smith, Smith,
Smith! Jerry Smith has been released today and welcomed his family at
the airport in Berlin. The Jerry Smith story and America’s struggle
with Russia, Inc. Tonight on Dateline.

There are approximately 1200 Russia, Inc. tanks on the Romanian border.
But can we support a conventional war, Dr. Martinak? Well, Jim, I’m
glad you asked that question….

My fellow Americans, we once again meet the Evil Empire face to face…

Are you now or have you ever been a member of Russia, Inc’s Corporate
Chain of Command? Today, CEO Marty Davies denied that he had been part
of Russia, Inc’s Corporate structure, however he did stay at Putin’s
summer mansion for two weeks in 2004. Is this true? Yes, sir, it is
true. To the roar of a crowd, Marty Davies was led away to…

Mass protests today in Sofia as Bulgarians insist on leaving NATO….
This is Jacob Rosenstein in Bulgaria. Can you hear me Tom? Tom? Am I
coming through? There are riots in the streets here…I….I don’t know
if you’re seeing this…but…

My fellow Americans. Today, as you know, Bulgaria and Romania have left NATO. This cannot go unanswered…

Hello America, this is David Yan in Latvia. With NATO failing in
Eastern Europe, and Russia Inc moving to occupy former NATO nations,
the Baltic’s are growing nervous. Latvia is home to an ancient people…

Save Latvia! Save Latvia!

NATO forces, today, stream into the Baltic nations as the Czech
Republic falls to Russia, Inc’s financial terrorism. Poland and the
Baltic’s are all that remain between Russia, Inc and Western Europe.

We don’t like that distinction, James. Europe is one entity. We are not
Eastern and Western. It is this thinking that has brought NATO to its
knees in the east…

My God… My God… That’s… There’s… Shooting. There’s something. I don’t know if you can see the skyline. There’s…

That was John Chen in Berlin an hour ago. We have since lost his signal…


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