The Boble IV: Lots of Water (part one)

Last time on “The Boble”:

BOB created Man, the Earth, sexy women, mosquitoes, black syphilis, West Nile Virus and… Well he was quite busy.  Then Stick killed Unable.  Then there was a bunch of sex and babies, but we skipped all that.

Chapter Three
“Lots of Water”

Okay.  Caught your breath?  Let’s move forward…down those corridors of history and into the world as it grew from the seed of Dick.  There was the world, so many years after the Garden and Stick’s dark deeds.  A world kind of like a Mad Max movie. Huge cities had grown up and there was rape and murder in the countryside.  Actually, that’s more like a documentary on the Congo.   The people had become unfocused and they began to stray from BOB.  To top it off, sausages were declared too high in cholesterol.  Yes, things had taken a bad turn.

* * * *

BOB awoke one morning in Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage), fried himself some holy sausage, got himself all fancied up, put on the holy purple-tinted sunglasses and sauntered on down to a city called Hot Monkey Love (HML Southside, baby!).  In those days, BOB still visited the Earth.  He often visited the people of the Earth before that embarrassing incident with the 16-year old girl in 467AD.

“Howdy, folks!” BOB said cheerfully to the rather uptight pedestrians that he encountered.

A man in an orange coat leapt aside.  “Where did you come from?”

BOB cleared his throat then smiled politely.  “From the alleyway.”

“What are you doing lurking around an alley?” the man asked, as a small crowd began to form around him.

“I was…” BOB thought hard for a moment, then shrugged.  “I was materializing.”

“That happened to me once,” an old man snarled from the crowd, “Burritos.”

BOB waved at the gathered crowd, “Hello everyone, I am – “

A passing commuter pushed through to the front of the crowd to see what the commotion was about.  As soon as he heard BOB speak, he crinkled his nose and swung loose wrists in the air.  It was apparent that this man recognized BOB from somewhere, “You are BOB?” the man asked with a heavy French accent.

“Yes!” BOB replied cheerfully, expecting the Frenchman to fall to the ground in awe.

“As it happens,” the man replied coolly,  “we don’t believe in you.”

“Ah, the American’s of Europe.” BOB muttered.  “Right, whatever.”   He turned to a young woman in the crowd and smiled politely.  BOB was hard to deny, especially when he smiled.  Not only strikingly handsome, he also exuded an aura of pure studliness that would make the most macho dockworker fall in love with him.   The woman, of course, was so daunted by this beauty that she stripped naked before the Great Deity without even a second thought. She fell before him and rolled around a little bit so he could see her body.

Now this was more like it, BOB thought, some crazy blonde bitch going nuts for him.  The best answer for women like this was to play hard to get.  He pushed his way through the crowd and headed for a nearby coffee shop.

At the coffee shop, he was staring hard at the poppyseed muffins when a brunette of such incredible lushiness stepped up and knelt before him.  BOB found himself shaking a little as she turned wide green eyes up towards him. She was a perfectly formed creature, wearing a blue-rubber halter-top and a pair of leather pants.

“What… Is your wish?” she breathed.  The tiny muscles in her child-like arms flexed as she ran her hands across her breasts, the rubber of her halter-top shifting slightly with a disconcerting sucking sound.

“Did you say White Mocha?” the clerk asked, pouring beans into the grinder.

BOB and the woman stared at the clerk for a few beats.

“I heard White Mocha.” The clerk muttered.  “Do you want a White Mocha?”

The woman seemed uncertain for a moment, her eyes drifting languidly towards the advertisement for White Mochas.  Then she turned back to BOB, “My lord, I live only to serve you.”

But BOB was thinking hard, “What’s a White Mocha?” he asked the clerk.

“Kinda like a normal Mocha…”

“But white,” BOB hissed.

“Ah, you beat me to it.” The clerk clicked his tongue, “That was pretty funny for the first week.”  He stared into the middle distance.  “Four years ago.”

“I am here to fulfill your wishes!” the woman spread her arms out, jerking her head back and closing her eyes.

BOB turned his attention back to the lovely brunette, “Little baby Isis, I could spend the whole day wishing with you.” He reached down and helped the beauty to her feet. “One such as you has no need to bow before me.”

He bought her a White Mocha and the two of them took in the sites of Hot Monkey Love – including the Hanging Gardens of Ultratrim IV, the Colossus of Bill, the Golden Scimitar of Marzipan, and the various statues of false gods. BOB noticed these latter sites and took special note of them, especially when he and his companion came to the temple of BOB in the center of town. By Bobist philosophy, the temple should be empty anyway. It merely stood as a symbol of his great power. In this case, however, the temple was a mess. Worse still, angry graffiti covered the walls.  BOB became enraged.

“What is the meaning of this?” he asked his beautiful companion.

“Nobody believes in BOB anymore.” She replied, her hand massaging his oh-so-incredible ass.

“But I am BOB!” he shouted.

“Oh, relax.  Isn’t it just a bore to be the Supreme Being?” she breathed.


“So what anyway?  If the people want to worship some screwy god, why not let them?”

“Because I am their creator.”

The brunette pursed her lips, “But we have free will, right?”

“That’s not the point!” BOB shouted.  “I’m sorry I ever mentioned that.  I have your loyalty, right?”

Another small crowd was gathering around BOB and she glanced around nervously.  “Unfortunately, O BOB,” she replied slowly, “I wasn’t a believer until I saw you. I used to go with the blind clockmaker theory.”

“And all these people?” BOB asked.

“They share similar views, and probably a general disregard for your power.” She turned to him and put her hands on his chest, “Look, baby, it’s natural.  People grow up.  They become logical…cynical.”

“I will talk to them,” BOB whispered.

“Oh,” the brunette looked a little frightened, “How about we go somewhere and relax, we could – “

She was too late.  BOB stepped forward and raised his arms, “I am your lord and creator, I am BOB.”

There was a long silence.  Then someone in the crowd asked, “If you are BOB, then why do you allow us to suffer? Why do you allow evil? Why do you allow SIDS and hunchbacked babies? Why do you allow cancer, war, plague…?”

Another bystander piped up, “Yeah, and what’s with the yuppie-look, Retro-boy?”

BOB pointed his finger at the second speaker, a young, strong-looking man. “I don’t look like a yuppie.”

“Okay khaki-boy,”

BOB clenched both fists and moved aggressively towards the speaker, “Everybody wears khakis!” he shouted.

“Khaki, leather jacket, the little GQ button-down.” The second bystander rolled his eyes and shook his hands in front of his face in mock fear.

The first bystander stepped forward, “Look, I had a serious question.  Why all the pain and suffering?”

BOB turned on him, “All these things happen to you because you’re fuck-ups.”

The first speaker stared blankly at BOB.

“I’m sorry,” BOB said, “did I say that out loud?  What I’m saying is… that you have free will, so that’s why – “

“Free will to get cancer?  Alzheimer’s?  Hit by a bus?” the first bystander interrupted.

“And another thing,” the second bystander said, “what is with that jacket?  I mean, the fake shiny leather?  What, is that like a statement or something?”

The first heckler cried out and stepped in front of the second, “Look, man, so you let all these horrible things happen and you think we’ll forgive you because you say it’s because of ‘free will’?  What the hell is that?  Does a 4 year old child choose freely to be caught in the cross-fire of a gang shoot out?”

The second bystander cleared his throat, “Actually, that’s circumstance.  Not free will.”

“Then what’s the point of life?” the first bystander asked BOB.  Others in the crowd were muttering angrily, glancing at BOB and reaching furtively for weapons.

BOB shrugged and thought for a few moments. “Uh… The point of life?  Isn’t it like seize the day or something? I don’t know, I didn’t really have a point when I created you. But I am your master! You must bow down to me.”

BOB’s beautiful companion intervened, speaking with a woman’s voice of reason, “They believe that even if you did create the universe, you have still abandoned us. Furthermore, as confirmed by your own statements today, they believe that you don’t really care about them and that you don’t know what you’re doing.”

BOB squinted up at the sun.  Then he turned his attention back to his female companion.  “You’ll have to run that by me again.”

“Um,” she thought for a moment, “They believe that you created the world without knowing it and have since acted irresponsibly, and slightly cruel.”

“That’s a very interesting belief -” BOB replied at length

“Ah…yes – “ By now, the first speaker was growing edgy.

“But it’s stupid!” BOB shouted viciously.  Then he rose up in a cloud of extremely pretty women and addressed all within earshot. “Do any among you claim loyalty to me?”

His beautiful companion leapt up onto the cloud and laid out flat at his feet.

“Oh baby,” BOB said, “I know your deal.” Then he looked down upon the people of Hot Monkey Love, “Well, do any among you love me as your BOB and master?”

Someone threw a nun at him.  Well, that’s what the original text said.  Probably has a different meaning in the ancient language of the Boble.  Anyway, BOB decided that this town was not very nice.  Of course, they were simply reacting as frightened children would and meant not what they did.  But that’s New Testicle thinking…

Then the people of the town began to shout obscenities at BOB.  It was clear that things were about to get worse.

“Okay,” BOB replied, the cloud rising out of the reach of projectiles. “I can destroy the world you know.”

There was silence for a moment, then the people began mocking BOB once again.

“No, really, I can!”  He hated it when this side of him was brought out, it was so terribly embarrassing. Thus it was that a rather agitated BOB returned to Bob Heavens (where there is provoked sausage).  He sat up there for days asking moral questions about what he should do in retaliation.  All of Bob Heavens (where there is no Jimmy Dean) stayed away from BOB during that period.

And for the lovely brunette, she was respectful of the host of angels.  She kept to herself mostly, awaiting BOB to pass out of his black mood and pleasure her constantly. She’d like that. She was thinking a lot about it. She was, in short, aching for BOB. But BOB locked himself away and sunk deeper into depression and anger…


Next week:  Enter Nowaya.

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