The Boble I: Genesis, The Beginning
The Boble
(In Technicolor!)
THE OLD TESTICLE
GENESIS
“AN ACCOUNT OF THE BEGINNING OF ALL UNDER BOB”
In the beginning, there was BOB and Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage). But it was dark and BOB kept bumping into things, so he said: “Let there be light!” And there was light! BOB saw that this was a good thing, even if he did say so himself. But at night BOB still bumped into things, so he said: “Let there be moon and stars and psychedelic black light!” And there was! Thus passed the First Day and began the First Night where BOB attempted to set up a discotheque, thought better of the idea, and just went out for some ice cream instead.
On Monday – that being the inevitable ‘next day’ – BOB sat in a super-comfy lounge chair and looked out at the void before him. Feeling that something should share this vast space or, rather, feeling that he might as well finish the job, BOB said calmly: “Let there be planets that orbit the stars! Let there be galaxies! Let the planets be equipped with water and soft-drink machines! Then place slime in the water and give it two quarters! Thus shall I allow the slime to crawl forth unto the fertile soil, grow into little fuzzy beasts, and buy soda. Got it?”
And, lo, did it all come to pass? You bet your left handed masturbation break it did. The slime crawled forth unto the fertile soil and grew into fuzzy beasts that frolicked in the fields amongst the less-fortunate slime. The planetary soda machine, however, demanded seventy-five cents. The fuzzy beasts were one quarter short. In what was undoubtedly the most stunning example of caffeine withdrawal, the soda machine was lobbed into a volcano.
But, in Bob Heavens (where there is great sausage), BOB had grown lonely. Thus he created his disciples: two beings that wore mainly black, but not as a fashion statement or a sign of teenage angst. They wore black because BOB Heavens (where there is mythological sausage) was located above the dome of the Earth and, therefore, if you read your Torah, above the sun. So it was very cold up there. Of course, realistically, this was probably a random choice. Anyway, purple’s the new black these days. But black will be back, so we’ll keep it in the Boble. I’m more of a ‘Spring’ myself.
“Go forth,” BOB said unto his new disciples (taking a sip of seventy-five cent soda), “and preach to the fuzzy beasts of my existence. Mate with the less fuzzy fuzzy beasts, and taketh many wives. Populate my worlds with your offspring! But concentrate mainly on Earth!” BOB paused dramatically, then continued: “Here, you’ll need these.” BOB reached into an inner pocket of his jacket and pulled out two pairs of super-cool, purple-tinted sunglasses.
“Wear these at all times!” BOB commanded.
The two disciples then donned the reflective sunglasses, obscuring their eyes behind mirrors of purple. “Cool,” they breathed in unison. Their awe was mainly in reaction to the psychedelic black light, which they could now see with the glasses.
“Now go away and leave me alone,” BOB growled, deciding that he didn’t really want company anyway.
And they did! The disciples took many wives, populating the universe with little disciples. Then it was night.
On the third day, BOB created a bunch of well-endowed women and took them to…. a movie! It was quite a good flick, a foreign jobby. BOB liked those foreign jobbies.
On the fourth day, BOB made a garden. There were tomatoes, and carrots, and snow peas, and…
On the fifth day, BOB made a bigger garden! He filled it with a lot of animals and plants, and then he grabbed a fuzzy beast by the tail and pissed down upon it. Thus the fuzzy beast was formed into what will hereafter be referred to as ‘Man’.
BOB spoke to his new creation, “You are Man!”
“Are you sure?” asked Man. It was meant to be a joke, really. Man knew what he was because he had an uncontrollable urge to go pick up some crazy chicks. Either that or go get some cheeseburgers and catch that action flick at the cinema. You know, the foreign jobby? That heist flick? The one with…and the gun…well, you know.
“What?” BOB asked, “I…of course I’m sure! What kind of question is that?”
So Man knelt before BOB. (Yeah…crazy chicks…cool…)
“That’s better,” BOB murmured. He put on a pair of spiffy, purple-reflective sunglasses and said. “Okay, I’ll quiz ya on this later: Holy number is 808; holy color is purple; holy eyewear is purple-reflective sunglasses. Women play a key part in your existence, yet long term contact must be avoided. You are sort-of, indirectly, my son… A type of under-developed, inbred slime produced on the back steps with the chambermaid. But a son nonetheless.” BOB looked about the garden. “Like all children I love, but fear to be publicly associated with, I’m going to leave you on this newly formed planet. This garden is your new home. A paradise unmatched in all the cosmos.” BOB paused, thought better of his comment, and added, “Well…this part of the cosmos. Be happy and be free. Be thou sure that thou dost not eat of the Sacred Tree of Eternal Hemorrhaging. And thus, I shall take my leave.” BOB was about to make a dramatic exit when he remembered something. “Oh! I nearly forgot. Your task – as Man! – is to name every single plant and animal in this garden by morning. Good night!”
“No crazy chicks?” Man asked.
“No crazy chicks.” BOB replied.
“But…”
“Good night.” BOB repeated, a little tersely.
And with that, BOB left.
Man shrugged. He stood and glanced at the Sacred Tree – it looked fruity! But Man was horny, so he wandered off into the garden and tried sex with all the animals therein. A day later (BOB having forgotten the whole quiz in the morning thing), Man tended to various bruises and gashes. Once physically able, Man went to work on naming everything. He started with coffee because the whole morning thing? That was a bit too much. He made a quick note to talk with BOB about this, and then he composed a list of what he found in the garden…
Next time on “The Boble” – Women, Menstruation, and Falling From Grace